tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post8833917790597329075..comments2023-10-25T05:30:54.507-04:00Comments on Oh Get A Grip!: What I Did Before I Knew BetterAshe Barkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03390519279886657608noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-86724321445134226012014-07-22T21:18:06.398-04:002014-07-22T21:18:06.398-04:00Hi Annabeth!
That's pretty raw stuff, very ho...Hi Annabeth!<br /><br />That's pretty raw stuff, very honest. Like Fiona says, some of the confessions here can be pretty startling.<br /><br />I know what you mean about southern towns because I live in one.<br /><br />I'm trying to resist the male impulse to give you advice when I should know better. It is what it is. I've found my natural home in the Unitarian Universalist church where I live because it gives so much lattitude to the individual to simply be their best self without a lot of conformity. Just sayin' is all. You would be a really interesting perso nto have coffee with.<br /><br />There's an interesting article in Atlantic Monthly online this month about polyamory. You should look at it. I suspect that I may know at least two polyamorous couples in my church but I'm scared to ask.<br /><br />GarceGarceushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11160407485298015371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-5241248312469156132014-07-21T13:33:04.875-04:002014-07-21T13:33:04.875-04:00Thank you! I think it would have helped if I'd...Thank you! I think it would have helped if I'd been educated about polyamory at the time. Back then, I thought I was inventing it. Annabeth Leonghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455191827664110878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-14481196648002324242014-07-21T13:32:26.306-04:002014-07-21T13:32:26.306-04:00This makes me grin. I like your take on all this a...This makes me grin. I like your take on all this a great deal. Annabeth Leonghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455191827664110878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-86644725792700085852014-07-21T13:31:46.523-04:002014-07-21T13:31:46.523-04:00Thanks so much, Kristina! :)Thanks so much, Kristina! :)Annabeth Leonghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455191827664110878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-51139446115658663712014-07-20T19:48:44.908-04:002014-07-20T19:48:44.908-04:00Annabeth, your life sounds amazing so far. I'v...Annabeth, your life sounds amazing so far. I've never seriously tried polyamory (as distinct from the odd one-time multiple-body pileup, heh), and I'm always interested in hearing how it works -- or doesn't. I'm also glad you trusted your instincts and didn't take on a man who turned you off simply to make your friends feel comfortable.Jean Robertahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08805088081675965859noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-38535568241854335042014-07-19T13:20:54.609-04:002014-07-19T13:20:54.609-04:00I can say from long experience that "maturity...I can say from long experience that "maturity" is strictly subjective, and can be avoided in most of its forms for many, many years. I suppose it's maturity that makes one face up to responsibilities for those who have a right to depend on us, but that doesn't mean that other aspects of ourselves can't remain flexible and even frivolous. At least I hope so. My life is pretty heavy on the maturity side just now.Sacchi Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10801164916418570059noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-85082571166553178612014-07-19T10:17:17.949-04:002014-07-19T10:17:17.949-04:00This is such a beautiful piece of writing! This is such a beautiful piece of writing! Kristina Lloydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01260838019243820610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-46473505335494279762014-07-18T07:03:29.407-04:002014-07-18T07:03:29.407-04:00Thanks so much for the link! That post of yours is...Thanks so much for the link! That post of yours is beautiful, and full of that poetry and honesty you were talking about. <br /><br />Thanks also for your kind words about my posts. I like writing in the personal essay format I tend to use here, and it's wonderful to have supportive readers such as yourself. <br /><br />My sex life has been absolutely characterized by change. (I often feel as if it's where I express other changes that are preparing to come out of me). I guess there are common themes, but part of why I tend to feel bad about it is that I feel as if I'm changing "out from under" my lovers. I don't want to abandon or bewilder people.<br /><br />And I can't give religion a total pass because, as I think I said in the post, Christian fundamentalism is sort of in the air in places like that town where I used to live. But for me personally, religion (as I practice it) was a relief compared with the policing I'd been getting elsewhere. I think there's some sort of bad group dynamic where people feel free to tell you what they think of what you're doing (in a supposedly caring but actually invasive and punishing way), and I've had that experience in a number of groups. Many people have had that experience in religious groups. Part of the trouble is that it's hard to distinguish between that and actually caring behavior (because sometimes I do need a person to challenge me about something I'm doing). Chalk that one up as another thing that's hard for me to figure out. Annabeth Leonghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455191827664110878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-2409611418875712802014-07-18T06:53:48.004-04:002014-07-18T06:53:48.004-04:00Every time that has happened to me, it's had t...Every time that has happened to me, it's had to do with smell (and I've also had the opposite, where the smell immediately made me want someone). I've always taken both of those as primal information coming from my animal brain, and therefore very important. Annabeth Leonghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455191827664110878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-12431491171805062282014-07-18T06:52:39.995-04:002014-07-18T06:52:39.995-04:00Thanks! When I was writing this post, I was thinki...Thanks! When I was writing this post, I was thinking about how the 90s:me::70s:people a bit older than me. I had never thought of those times as similar, but I think they were both times where there was a greater sense of exploration in mainstream culture, and there were significant, vibrant countercultural movements.Annabeth Leonghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455191827664110878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-89846344272723208592014-07-17T23:13:58.418-04:002014-07-17T23:13:58.418-04:00Annabeth - Your posts tend to leave me speechless....Annabeth - Your posts tend to leave me speechless. They are simultaneously raw with honesty and glowing with poetry. <br /><br />We can't stop changing - even if we wanted to. Even when we think we've discovered "who we really are", that truth (or illusion) is only valid for a certain period of time.<br /><br />I used to be an extremely sexual woman. Now I haven't had sex in months, and miss it far less than I ever would have guessed. <br /><br />Your comments about conformity made me reflect on my own path. I'd always been incredibly obedient, the ultimate good girl, the one everybody approved of. Yet in my twenties somehow I found myself becoming a sexual outlaw (this is perhaps an overstatement, but I do love the way it sounds), following the lure of desire despite the dictates of society. I'm really not sure how that happened, though I do remember one critical moment, which I wrote about years ago here on the Grip. <br /><br /><a href="http://ohgetagrip.blogspot.com/2011/07/epiphany.html" rel="nofollow">http://ohgetagrip.blogspot.com/2011/07/epiphany.html</a><br /><br />Of course, I didn't have the religious crap to contend with. So perhaps my conformity was less overlaid with primal guilt.<br />Lisabet Saraihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05162514190572269660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-81530355935973171752014-07-17T20:20:03.174-04:002014-07-17T20:20:03.174-04:00When we change, we're simply adapting to a sit...When we change, we're simply adapting to a situation. Humans are, if nothing else, the "adaptable" animal. People who refuse to change may wind up stagnating. It's a matter of inertia.Daddy Xhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12927663248424944119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-79498077776741685842014-07-17T19:25:17.457-04:002014-07-17T19:25:17.457-04:00Oh, and I also experienced meeting someone and kno...Oh, and I also experienced meeting someone and knowing immediately that I didn't want to have sex with him...ever. Glad you followed your instincts on that one. Instincts are given too little attention these days, in my opinion. They're trying to protect us so we all survive another day. There must have been a reason for it, and you were right to listenFiona McGierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13495707848048468428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-28729625290813546012014-07-17T19:22:45.112-04:002014-07-17T19:22:45.112-04:00We all spend our lives in a process of "becom...We all spend our lives in a process of "becoming" that ends only when we do. Anyone who insists on being static is living a lie made up of forcing themselves into a rigid pattern. (Not to be confused with the excellent book, "Static" by L.A.Witt about people who can change at will from male to female and back again). <br /><br />I'm always amazed at how deeply personal and private are the stories told here, to faceless friends on the internet. I can't let my husband know anything I post here, because he's always accusing me even in "real life" of "not having any sense of decorum about keeping things that are private, private." Even in front of our kids! I'm more of a sharer...it's how I have kept a few close female and male friends since college. I don't fear that telling someone else about my life's experiences will make me vulnerable, since at our core we are all afraid of that. I think of it as sharing what I am so you feel comfortable to share what you are, and in that exchange, we all grow and change some more.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing what the 90s were like for you. That sense of not knowing who/what you are happened for me 20 years earlier. But though the music and the clothing/hairstyles were different, that sense of being adrift in a sea of conformity is the same. It does my heart good to hear that others went through it as well. I only hope you are, perhaps not "happy", but "content" with the many choices you've made along the way.Fiona McGierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13495707848048468428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-54586941289664354302014-07-17T18:33:19.357-04:002014-07-17T18:33:19.357-04:00Glad you liked this!
"So sad we are expected...Glad you liked this!<br /><br />"So sad we are expected to define ourselves once and be that person for the rest of our lives. How could that be if we are affected at all by emotions, needs or life experience?"<br />I've been thinking about this. I tend to feel guilty when I change, but lately I've been wondering, isn't change inevitable? <br /><br />"Conformity can be a quick-fix, but doesn't allow for your own self-worth."<br />Well-said. Annabeth Leonghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455191827664110878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-91462013679728694882014-07-17T18:32:18.963-04:002014-07-17T18:32:18.963-04:00Thanks. Yeah, this is definitely the sort of thing...Thanks. Yeah, this is definitely the sort of thing I'm talking about. I'm going to have to roll that Zeigler quote around for a while to see how it sits with me. There are a lot of people selling hope these days, as you point out. Annabeth Leonghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455191827664110878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-34597358183166294232014-07-17T14:34:21.696-04:002014-07-17T14:34:21.696-04:00A heartfelt post, Annabeth. Thanks for sharing.
&...A heartfelt post, Annabeth. Thanks for sharing.<br /><br />>the shape of her name still makes me shiver.<br /><br />What a lovely passage, among many others as good.<br /><br />So sad we are expected to define ourselves once and be that person for the rest of our lives. How could that be if we are affected at all by emotions, needs or life experience?<br /><br />Conformity can be a quick-fix, but doesn't allow for your own self-worth.Daddy Xhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12927663248424944119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-20905021691555688932014-07-17T11:49:54.659-04:002014-07-17T11:49:54.659-04:00I was a positive motivation junkie in the 80's...I was a positive motivation junkie in the 80's. You name the guy I probably had his tape, his book or went to his seminar. I chuckled recently seeing a Facebook post of Wayne Dyer on the beach with his daughter in wedding attire-both decked out so handsomely. That guy has made a fortune selling me hope but I never got better. What a country. My main man was the late Zig Zeigler. He was a bible thumping born again Christian motivator. Of all the things that didn't work, with all the things I tried, he did have one great piece of wisdom that doesn't require the born again card to benefit from. He said: "You're what you are and where you are because of what's gone into your mind. You can change what your are, you can change where you are by changing what goes into your mind." Looks like you've done that.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15484640447109164744noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-72343330297875453042014-07-17T07:50:33.687-04:002014-07-17T07:50:33.687-04:00Hi Spencer,
"I'm wondering who convince...Hi Spencer, <br /><br />"I'm wondering who convinced you to make these changes"<br />Some of it came from the idea of "maturity" that I and many others get from somewhere. There's a lot of stuff that's so pervasive, it's as if it's in the air we breathe. But really, most of this came from me attempting to get help for depression, and joining groups in the course of that (which is why I'm really cautious of groups now—believe it or not, my brand of religion gives me a lot more mental privacy than those groups used to). I think the baby got thrown out with the bathwater, basically. Also, I think there's a self-help trend to see oneself as the source of all of one's problems—if you're not happy, it's because you're choosing not to be. And I really tried that, for more than a decade. Conformity helped on the surface and in the short-term, but in the long-term, I found myself deeper down than I'd ever been. I see it differently now. It's really not easy to do things differently from the approved mainstream way, and there were plenty of terrible things that happened in my life that make sadness a rational response. So far, I deal with things a lot better from that perspective, and as a bonus, I get to act more like myself. Your Rev Billy Bob example is about right, except imagine that taking about 12 years... So, the short answer is, supposedly non-religious self-help groups (that were still rife with fundamentalist values). <br /><br />Thanks so much for your kind words about the post. <br /><br />"I went though my life conforming because I never had the tools to negotiate my way in the adult world." <br />Agreed. There's a lot of messaging from just about everywhere beating on us all to conform. Sometimes, even if you're not conforming to the mainstream, you're still supposed to conform in some other way (see all the discussions erotica writers have about imposed formulas on our work). I'm sorry it's happened to you, too. <br /><br />As far as your last question, I certainly feel that life has meaning (suffering included). I don't know that I'd name that joy (considering the way it works in my own chest). I've felt I'm going through some sort of second adolescence (am I too young for a mid-life crisis?), with all the accompanying emotional ups and downs. So, maybe I don't feel joy, but I do feel fierce, for what that's worth. <br /><br />Glad you enjoyed reading this!Annabeth Leonghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455191827664110878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9156334464585894857.post-68559187420408758022014-07-17T04:24:31.073-04:002014-07-17T04:24:31.073-04:00Annabeth:
One thing jumps out at me about your tru...Annabeth:<br />One thing jumps out at me about your truly amazing (I know writers aren't supposed to use that word)... your truly amazing confession is: <br />I got convinced to stop listening to "negative" music, stop wearing black, stop playing devil games, stop kissing girls, and stop sleeping around like a slut. <br />I'm wondering who convinced you to make these changes Or how that change happened. I spent some years hanging about with born again Christians. I met plenty of people who had dramatic life conversions. Your story reads like the script for a conversion where Rev Billy Bob lays hands on you to drive out Satan and then nearly drowns you in the baptismal pool.<br /><br />This part is so vulnerable:I didn't know much of anything about how to protect myself, and I didn't know the words for half of what I wanted to do, and that hurt, too. <br />That line makes my heart ache. I went though my life conforming because I never had the tools to negotiate my way in the adult world.<br /><br />I like to distinguish between happiness and joy. Happiness to me is a temporary feeling, joy is more like a state of being where your suffering has meaning. Have you found joy?<br /> In all my confusion, when I ask myself what I honestly want, or what my identity actually is, it doesn't hurt to think back to how I acted then, when I didn't yet know better than to be myself. <br /><br />Thanks for this engaging memoir<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15484640447109164744noreply@blogger.com