Hello, fans of the LGBTQ (or GLBTgenderfuck2spiritwhatever) press. Remember when the fashionable way to sign any letter or email was “with love and gay pride?” That seems to have faded, but I’m proud to say that a pride has volunteered to be interviewed in their home in Africa.
JR: Simba, are you the only male in your family unit?
Simba: No, we have some male cubs, but I’m the head of the household. Every group needs a leader.
(All the females show their teeth while making a sound somewhere between a growl and a snicker.)
JR: So what does a typical day look like for all of you?
Nala: Lazy-ass here stays home with the cubs while we hunt. We still have meat from our last kill, so today we get a day off.
Simba: I organize the hunting parties.
Nala: As if! I’m the head female.
Lucy: Uh, Nala, that depends on what you mean by ‘head.’ Hello! We’re female lions. We know how to hunt.
Simba: Little human, we have typical mammal families. I dominate my harem and father all the cubs.
(More growling/snickering from the females.)
Nala (in a condescending tone): You’re a good lay and a good dad, Simba. That’s why we feed you.
Lucy: We like having a token male with us. He can babysit when we need time away from the cubs.
Patches: But not all of us want to be moms.
Lucy (insinuating): You’re good at something else, Patches.
Patches: You know it.
Nala: Human, you should spend a day with us so you can learn how real families function in the wild. You humans have such an unnatural culture.
Snaggle-Tooth: One male for one female. What’s up with that?
Lucy: I couldn’t cope. (All the females shake their heads.)
JR: Um, well, some of us have alternative lifestyles.
Nala: It’s about time. Do you hunt?
JR: Only for packaged meat in the grocery store.
(All the females look aghast.)
Snaggle-Tooth: What do you do with your bottled-up energy? Everyone knows females are more aggressive than males. It’s only natural.
Patches: But look at her claws. Useless, if you ask me.
JR: They’re not for hunting. I keep them short for mating.
(All the lions look at the interviewer.)
Simba (apparently clueless): Human mating habits must be very strange. I would like to meet the male of your pride. I’ve seen documentaries about human families.
Nala (sarcastic): You know so much, Simba.
Simba (to JR, as if this just occurred to him): I hope you’re not a Christian. We kill them.
JR: I’m not.
Lucy: There’s hope for you, she-human. When you tell the other humans about us, make sure you tell them to leave us alone. We’re not hurting them.
Patches: More species should live like us.
JR: I’ll pass it on. And thank you all for sharing your lives with me. Some of us had no idea.
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