Sunday, June 17, 2018

The Tyranny of Above and Beyond

by Annabeth Leong

I can think of so many ways I grew up with the idea that unless I'm going above and beyond I'm not doing enough.

For my entire school career, anything short of an A was a failure. The A thereby possessed no particular meaning or cause for celebration. That, indeed, set a pattern for me. There was no achievement to be happy about, only ways to fall short.

When I became a writer, I read so much about polishing stories to within an inch of their lives. It felt as if I shouldn't dare to bother an editor with my efforts unless I knew I'd already gone far above and beyond. I see the good intention in this advice, but I can also tell you that it utterly paralyzed me and prevented me from getting my work out there.

I remember a lover I had early on who would get angry at me for "selfishness" if I relaxed and soaked pleasure in. In his view, I was supposed to keep my lips, tongue, and hands moving at all times, providing pleasure to him no matter what else was going on.

And later, when I started publishing erotica professionally, there was no amount of promotional effort that felt like enough. If I wasn't on every social network known to man, networking constantly, posting on blogs all over the world, then I deserved any poor sales I might have had.

I don't think I need to describe how destructive this type of thinking can get when it becomes deeply ingrained. While it's certainly a good thing to make an effort, I can't live when I'm overwhelmed by paralysis, guilt, and anxiety. When there aren't any ways to succeed, only ways to fall short, it starts to make sense to avoid trying at all.

Obviously, I haven't been going above and beyond as a writer on this blog lately. I'm appreciative that you've all stuck with me as I flail.

But this is why I'm posting today, on the weekend after missing my scheduled day.

When I can't get that A, my desire is to hide in shame. But I've learned over time that there's a lot of power, not in going above and beyond all the time, but in doing the best I can and letting people see that this is flawed but also beautiful.

So here I am. I don't have the resources at the moment to go above and beyond, but here I am, doing this because you and this writing matter to me. I'll see you in two weeks, still doing the best I can. Fingers crossed that it'll be my scheduled day next time.

Friday, June 15, 2018

Fame as "Recovery"

by Jean Roberta

Most women artists (including sculptors, writers, musicians, dancers, actors, etc.) whose names have come down to us from the past were faced with obstacles that men of the same race and class generally didn’t have to “overcome.” As Canadian politician Charlotte Whitton once famously said: “Women have to be twice as good to go half as far. Luckily, that isn’t difficult.”

Reading the lives of women and other “minority” or “disadvantaged” creators could give the reader the impression that there are two types of talented people: those who just give up and find something else to do, and those who transcend their circumstances. And supposedly, this amazing second group can be considered timeless and studied apart from their era and culture because, after all, they didn’t let any negative thing affect them.

The more I read this type of evaluation, the more I smell the manure.

Let's consider a woman artist of the Renaissance who was mentioned in social media recently.



Artemisia Gentileschi (1593-1652?), who lived in Italy in the time of Caravaggio and Galileo, and painted for King Charles I of England, was briefly famous in her lifetime, then largely forgotten until Second Wave Feminism “rediscovered” her work in the 1970s. Since then, art historians have been finding and cataloguing her paintings, many of which were formerly attributed to her father, Orazio Gentileschi, or her various mentors.

Unfortunately, the best known event in her life is a rape trial of 1612, because the whole transcript has been preserved.

Here are the facts of her life, as far as I could find out from various biographical summaries: Artemisia was born in Rome to the painter Orazio and his wife, Prudentia Montone. Apparently no one knows much about Prudentia, except that she died when her only daughter, Artemisia, was twelve.

Young Artemisia showed considerable talent as a visual artist, and her father encouraged her in this, even though she was not taught how to read and write when she was a child. (Apparently she learned these things as an adult.)

At age 17, Artemisia produced her first signed painting, Susanna and the Elders. This is based on a Biblical story about a beautiful young woman who is sexually harassed and slandered after she refuses the male “elders” of her community. Notice the body language, which surely didn’t come only from Biblical sources.



No art academy of the time would accept a female student, so Orazio arranged for Artemisia to study landscape painting under his friend, Agostino Tassi. This turned out to be a mistake.

After 18-year-old Artemisia had managed to avoid being alone with her mentor for some time, he cornered her in her bedroom and raped her. Apparently he continued “demanding her favours” and promised to marry her.

Artemisia told her father, Orazio, and he either charged Agostino with “rape” or with “breach of contract” because Agostino had deflowered Artemisia but hadn’t married her. As far as I could tell, this was a private lawsuit, not a criminal case (and I’m not familiar with secular law in Renaissance Italy.)

What seems crystal-clear is that the trial lasted for seven months and was probably more traumatic for Artemisia than the rape(s) itself. The judge ordered her to be examined by midwives and then tortured to make sure she was telling the truth. Agostino Tassi’s supporters testified in court that she was a “voracious whore,” or whatever words in Italian mean the same thing. Orazio responded by launching a separate suit for libel.

Agostino claimed he had not had sex with that woman, but his own associates testified that he had bragged about his “conquest” of Artemisia. He was actually convicted, and this might have had something to do with his track record. (He had formerly been charged with “incest” for getting his wife’s sister pregnant, and also for arranging the murder of his wife.) According to various sources, Agostino spent less than a year in prison and was banned from Rome, but came back a short time later.

During the trial, Artemisia was pregnant. One month after the conviction, she was married to a “family friend,” another painter named Pietro Antonio di Vincenzo Stiattesi, who was conveniently from the city of Florence, where both of them lived for awhile. (Clearly, Artemisia needed to get out of town.) In Florence, she gave birth to a daughter. A few years later, Artemisia was living apart from her husband, and was listed as “head” of a household that included her daughter and two servants. In 1616, she became an official member of the Academy of Design, which meant that a professional body must have changed its rules to accept a woman.

Artemisia lived in a time when painters could only survive through the patronage of rich and/or aristocratic buyers. In Florence, her patron was Grand Duke Cosimo II, who commissioned enough paintings from her that she could survive until his death in 1621.

Artemisia then moved to Genoa with her father. There, she gave birth to another daughter.

Some time between 1626 and 1630, she moved to Naples, probably because it was a larger city where she could more easily find patrons. In 1637, Artemisia was apparently trying to accumulate money for her older daughter’s wedding (and dowry?). She accepted a commission from King Charles of England to produce several paintings for the residence of his wife, Queen Henrietta Maria. Artemisia lived in England until 1641, when the English Civil War broke out. She returned to Naples, where she lived until her death in 1652 or 53.

There is no evidence of the cause of Artemisia’s death. Art historian Charles Moffat believes that she might have committed suicide, which could explain this lack of information.

According to several other art historians, the style of painting she preferred didn’t usually coincide with her patrons' taste, and this is a problem that has plagued artists for all time. (Now artists are under pressure to cater to current fashion as distinct from the taste of an individual.)

What stands out for me in this sketchy biography is that Agostino Tassi’s abuse and the resulting public scandal affected the rest of Artemisia’s life, although she was able to find powerful male patrons who admired her talent enough to pay her for her work. Did they also expect other services? If so, we’ll probably never know. Her first daughter seems to have been conceived in rape, and there is no evidence that Agostino Tassi ever provided financial support. So in some sense, Artemisia literally paid for what was done to her at age 18 for many years after that.

Why did she separate from her husband, Pietro Stiattesi? Wives rarely left their husbands in that time. Was she understandably reluctant to have sex with the man she had married for the sake of “appearances,” and did her refusal make him feel cheated? Or did he accuse her of being a “voracious whore?” Did he despise her baby by another man? Did she escape, or did he kick her out?

In what circumstances did she have her second daughter? Apparently she wasn’t married, so her pregnancy probably wasn’t planned. Was the father one of her patrons?

She was undeniably brilliant at what she did, and she did achieve recognition for it, but none of this shows that she “moved on” or “overcame” the long-term aftermath of being violated by a teacher she had reason to trust. Fame doesn’t erase trauma, nor have all famous women been considered respectable. Au contraire.

After her death, some raunchy little anonymous epitaphs surfaced. In one of these, Artemisia is accused of “putting horns” on her husband’s head (i.e. cheating on him). This is how someone remembered her when she was no longer alive to defend herself, not that anything she could say would have changed the minds of those who thought of her as a dirty joke.

Artemisia created some great paintings. In that sense, I would say she went above and beyond expectations. However, it doesn’t follow that she was less vulnerable to the values of her culture than any other woman of the time.

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When the Parts are Greater than the Whole

By K D Grace

That the parts of a piece of music, a work of art, a novel or poem can inspire more than the whole won’t likely come as a surprise for those of us who see a story in everything. I was lucky enough to catch two exhibitions in London these past couple of weeks. While they were completely different in nature, what they had in common was that they were prime examples of the parts being greater than the whole. 

The first exhibition was Rodin and the Art of Ancient Greeceat the British Museum. Presently some of Rodin’s most famous works are being exhibited side-by-side with a selection of the Elgin Marbles. Though Rodin never made it to Athens, his work was profoundly inspired by the art from the pediments that had once adorned the Parthenon. 

“No artist will ever surpass Pheidias … The greatest of sculptors, who appeared at the time when the entire human dream could be contained in the pediment of a temple, will never be equalled.” Auguste Rodin

“The entire human dream … contained in the pediment of a temple.” Has there ever been a better description of what we as writers, as storytellers try to do in the pages of our work? And after seeing a photography exhibition at the Museum of Londoncalled London Nights, I couldn’t keep from noticing that theme played out over and over again. 

Rodin’s temple with its pediment of the human dream is his Gates of Hell, a work I knew nothing about before the exhibition. The Gates of Hell, was to be a representation of Dante’s Inferno. Sadly only a small clay replica of that masterpiece was on display. For a better view and more details about Rodin’s Gates of Hell check out the YouTube link. 

The sculpture was commissioned in 1880 for a museum that was never built. But Rodin was so pulled into the effort, so inspired by it, that he continue to work on it on and off until his death in 1917. Many of his most famous sculptures, including The Kiss and The Thinker (who originally represented Dante sitting in the tympanum of the sculpture) were inspired by and taken from his original work.

“None of the drama of Life remained unexplored by this earnest, concentrated worker … Here (in The Gates of Hell) was life, a thousand-fold in every moment, in longing and sorrow, in madness and fear, in loss and gain. Here was desire immeasurable, thirst so great that all the water of the world dried up in it like a single drop.”
Rainer Maria Rilke (Briefly Rodin’s secretary)

The following weekend I found myself at the Museum of London standing before two images that, like Rodin’s Gates of Hell, invited me to dwell on the intriguing details and secrets of the parts, rather than the whole. Since there was no photography allowed, I ended up frantically taking notes on my phone. The images were both temples, of a sort, both attempting to contain the human dream in their “pediments.” One was a photograph from Rut Blees Luxemburg’sLondon: A Modern Project. The image, taken in 1999, is of a London high-rise apartment building in what looks to be a lower middle class neighbourhood. I was pulled in because I could see into people’s windows, into their lives. I wondered about their stories; the bicycle sitting on the balcony of the top floor, the Christmas lights visible in several windows, the dark flat with “shadow monsters” from childhood dreams pressing to the balcony windows seeking entrance. At the center of the photo is a stairwell illuminated in garish florescence, bisecting the building from top to bottom. It’s the only apparent connection to the stories in the apartment framework. This building is a container for the human dream played out in a thousand different ways with a thousand different outcomes. 

The counter to Blees Luxemburg’s high-rise of flats is Lewis Bush’shigh-rise office building. The particular photo that drew me was taken at night when the offices should have been deserted. The image itself is slightly distorted in perspective, a view from below, but not from the ground. The glare of light reflected at certain angles obscures the view in some of the floor to ceiling windows. When I looked closer, I realized there were a few people still inside. And none of them looked particularly happy – though that could have been my imagination, because to me, this was a story waiting to be told. This “pediment” was a perversion of the human dream. There was nothing personal about it and very little human. Perhaps that’s why I was so drawn to the few people who were there. What was written on every face, at least to my observation, was the terrible cost of living that dream. Here are a few of my frenetic notes. 

Soul captured in a photo. People still in the high-rise office at night? Why? What are their stories? What’s the guy at the bottom looking at? The one looking out the window, does he see the photographer? Would anyone stuck in the building believe him if he told them?

The one with hair hanging in his face -- what’s he looking at on his screen? He looks frazzled. Woman with head down on desk? Why? And is there a man sitting in the reception area? Why’s he there? What’s he waiting for? 

Is there a guy in a priest collar???

Is that a gym?

Reflecting on the two photographs now, it seems interesting to me that there were no people visible in any of the windows of the flats, as though they might be able to hide in their private world. But there is nothing private about the office high-rise. The photo seems all about being exposed in the darkness.

The enclosures, the containers that hold the stories we long to tell, are high rises, homes, tunnels and caves underground, spaceships, battles being fought, beds being fucked in, and long roads travelled. We write them voyeuristically, as we look into the windows of our experiences and beyond. The stories we pen are the pediments for human dreams. They contain our Gates of Hell, our gods and
goddesses and their epic toying with humanity. They contain our monsters in the dark and our unexplored lives. They will remain always only in the pediments where we can see them, and take them out, and explore them, and be uncomfortable with them, or aroused by them, or frightened by them, or totally pulled in to their tale. Their tale is always our own retold, and yet never quite like we’d planned it, certainly not the way we lived it out. What holds us within the framework are the once upon a times and the happily ever afters, the what ifs and the whys. What keeps us coming back for yet another look is the hope inspired by a dream kept alive when death looms ever larger.

It’s an overwhelming task we take on as writers, as artists. How could we endure it or explore it if all we ever saw was the high-rise or the temple? It’s too much to take in. It’s the secrets in the pediments, in the office at night, in the curtains not quite completely drawn that keep us telling our stories. In our imagination, in our urge to create, we’re drawn to the pediments for the dreams, the vignettes. We’re pulled in by the questions that reveal themselves and startle us into realizing what they might mean. But we linger there because of how they surprise us when they’re suddenly the center of our focus -- those things we didn’t notice before. 


Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Stand Up and Be Counted


By Tim Smith


I’ve been reading the previous posts on this thread while trying to decide what I could contribute. Then I ran across this quote.


“To win without risk is to triumph without glory.”


It was courtesy of the French dramatist Pierre Corneille (1606). There’s a lot of truth buried in that short sentence. Also in a quote I was told early in life — “Nothing worthwhile comes easy.” To get anything you want from life, whether it’s a career, a relationship, or financial security, you have to get out there and pitch for yourself. It’s unlikely that anyone will do it for you.


Gisselle Renarde’s post from a few days ago mentioned critics, the bane of an author’s existence. She also weaved in the selfish attitude some authors seem to have about reviews and sharing blog and Twitter posts. I have never taken anything for granted regarding book publicity, and always send someone a “Thank you” e-mail when they’ve had me as a guest on their blog. I’ve even done the same for friends who were nice enough to post a favorable review on Amazon. Who says nice guys finish last?


I’ve been blessed with generally positive reviews for every one of my books. I don’t write for the critics and when I read reviews, I try not to take the negative comments personally. One encounter with a blogger a few years ago, though, nearly changed my outlook. This woman read one of my romantic mystery/thrillers and trashed it on her site. Naturally I was annoyed, but not so much with her opinion of my prose. What sent me over the edge were her comments that attacked me personally because I’m a man who dared to write a straight romance. How could I do such a thing! The so-called review was bad enough, but then she took the feud a step further and linked her bad write-up to a rave review I had received on Goodreads. I’ve never met this woman, and I don’t know why she was hell-bent on destroying my career.



Good reviews are nice to have, but as I said, I don’t write to impress literary critics. I write for the person in Parma, Ohio or Rugby, North Dakota who wants to escape from life for a little while. I think of fiction writing as being in the entertainment business. If you can pick up one of my books and get transported to someplace exotic, with characters that you like and a plot that holds your interest, then I’ve done my job. I think the nicest compliment one can receive in this business is “I can’t wait to read your next one.” It doesn’t get much better than that.       

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Doing My Damn Best


In this era of #cockygate, #bookstuffing, and #tiffanygate, it can be tough to be an erotic author that’s ethical.

If I was in this for the quick buck, I think I could do it. I’ve read up on what all the unethical and scammy authors are doing. I could cash in and ride the money wave for as long as I could before Amazon catches on to my illicit behaviour and casts me out. I’d take my money, laugh, and move on to the next get-rich-quick scheme.

But — haha — I’m not in this for the money. I’m in this for the stories. I’m in this for the publishing. (I love the act of publishing as much as the act of writing.) I’m in this for the long haul.

It can be exhausting trying to keep up with the scams and all the dirty tricks that the get-rich-quick crowd is up to. It seems like there’s a new thing almost every week. Not only is it exhausting, it diminishes our reputation. It casts dirt on the whole self-publishing industry.

There are many outside the self-publishing world that don’t know about all these scams and they fall victim to them. Years ago, back when Kindle Unlimited paid per-book rather than per-page, my mom (who was not a KU customer) started reading this serialized erotic romance book … which was broken into seventeen parts. She said that each part was very short and broken up in odd places and she couldn’t figure it out. It became too expensive for what it was, so she stopped reading after the first few parts. I explained to her about how the per-book payment on KU works and that this author is scamming the system. (There are legitimate ways and reasons to serialize a novel — this author was not doing any of those, but rather breaking things up to get 17 times the profit.)

With book stuffing — the act of “stuffing” an ebook with “extra content”, whether it be dozens of extra novels or even thousands of pages of gibberish, a practice intended to milk the per-page payment for all its worth, damn the professionalism — readers who are not up to speed on what’s going on in self-publishing are finding that these self-published books are woefully unprofessional. And if the few self-published books they’ve read are really bad or really strangely put together, then they must all be like that, right? So it must be better to stick with traditionally published books.

And, of course, if an author is in it only to squeeze every last cent out of the system and that final profit is the one and only thing that matters, then basic things like editing and proofreading are not important. If an author puts out garbage, it doesn’t matter, as long as readers click through to the end and the author gets the full payment.

And here I am, doing my damn best to put out top-notch books. I put care and thought into my storylines, I hire editors and cover artists, and I don’t engage in scammy behaviour.

I might not make the quick buck that these other authors make and I might not reach the heights that they do, but I can stand proud knowing I’ve brought my all to this and I’ve worked on my professionalism. Those money-hungry authors might think I’m foolish, but, honestly, fuck them. At the end of the day, I’m proud of what I do and that’s all that matters.




Cameron D. James is a writer of gay erotica and M/M erotic romance; his latest release is Silent Hearts. He is publisher at and co-founder of Deep Desires Press, member of the Indie Erotica Collective, and hosts two podcasts, Deep Desires Podcast and Sex For Money. He lives in Canada, is always crushing on Starbucks baristas, and has two rescue cats. To learn more about Cameron, visit http://www.camerondjames.com.

Monday, June 11, 2018

Below and Behind--All the Things, Things, Things

Sacchi Green

There’ve been just a few nights lately when I’ve been able to go to bed pretty sure I’d done all the things that had to be done that day. Just a few nights. Not tonight.

Selling my father’s house has suddenly become real, and hectic, with a buyer and all sorts of requirements to be met in a fairly short time. And all the stuff to be sorted through! Next week, the septic system inspection, and the house having been built 64 years ago, I’m sure the regulations now are much different than they were, if any, then. Something expensive will have to be done. And today, searching for the kind of smoke-plus-carbon-monoxide detectors that the fire department requires has been somewhat harrowing. No simple battery-powered ones these days; I’ll have to get an electrician to connect them, assuming the aging electrical system is even compatible. And I’ve lost the key to my father's bank deposit box (that I looked through just a couple of months ago) so I’m waiting for the bank to set up an appointment with a locksmith to bore through the lock, and that will be expensive too. Just papers inside the box, but some that I’ll need for the house sale, and some of great interest in terms of the family history.

Oh, and when I got back from the smoke-detector search, I found that the bear had returned while I was away, and taken down the bird-feeder post.

Serves me right, all of it. It’ll all work out eventually, including the emotional chaos. Maybe, in spite of all the driving back and forth, I'll even get my garden all planted before it's too late. But I’m feeling more Below and Behind than Above and Beyond. Not good to write about.

So clearly it’s story-excerpt time! What could be farther Above and Beyond than heroism in battle? Here goes an excerpt from one of my favorite stories, “Sgt. Rae,” originally published in Kristina Wright’s Duty and Desire, reprinted in Best Lesbian Romance 2013, and some time this year or next to be reprinted in a collection of my work which, in spite of all my warnings as to why they shouldn’t do it and how badly collections (and erotica in general) sell these days, is going to be published by Dirt Road Books.

____________

Sgt. Rae

By Sacchi Green

Sgt. Rae was so strong she could carry me at a run through gunfire and smoke and exploding mines. Two years later, she’s that strong again. With just one hand she can keep me from getting away, no matter how hard I struggle. Even her voice is enough to stop me at a dead run, so it doesn’t matter that she can’t run any more. And anyway, I’d never want to run away.
I’m smaller, but I’ve got my own kind of muscle, even if it doesn’t show. A mechanic in an armored tank unit has to be strong just to handle the tools you need, and if you’re a woman doing the job you need a whole extra layer of strength. I’m not an army mechanic any more, but I can still use tools; Sgt. Rae isn’t an army Sgt. any more, but she’ll always be in charge. At the town hall where she’s the police and fire department dispatcher, they tell me she’s got the whole place organized like it’s never been before.
In our house, or in the town, I’m supposed to just call her Rae these days, and mostly I remember. I’m just Jenny. In the bedroom, we don’t need names at all, except to wake each other when the bad dreams come, and whisper that everything’s all right now. Or close enough to handle, as long as we’re together.
Out here, though, on this trail I’ve made through the woods and across the stream, we play by my rules, and that means I’m Specialist 2nd Brown and she’s the ball-buster Staff Sergeant, even though neither of us has any use for balls.
She’ll be coming along the trail behind me any minute, coming to see what new contraption I’ve constructed. What she expects is something like the exercise stations I’ve built for her into every room in the house, chinning bars and railings and handgrips at different levels, and in a way that’s right, but with a different twist. She expects I’ll want her to order me to drop and do fifty push-ups or sit-ups, or run in place until I’m panting, but this time I want something else.
I check the gears and pulleys one more time, even though I already know the tension is set right. It’s my own tension that’s nearly out of control. The posts and crossbars are rock-solid, while I’m shaking in my old fatigues, so nervous and horny that I can’t even tell which is which.
I hear the motor now. I could’ve made it run quieter, but if you’ve been where I’ve been, where we’ve both been, you want to be sure you know who’s coming around the bend.
She’s crossed the rocky ford in the stream where no regular wheelchair could have gone. I salvaged tracks from old snowmobiles at the repair shop where I work, and they’re as good as any armored tank tracks, even though they’re made of Kevlar instead of steel. Fine for this terrain, and even the steel kind got chewed up in the desert sand in Iraq.
Mustn’t think about the desert now. Here in New Hampshire, green leaves overhead are beginning to turn orange and red. This stream flows into a river just beyond our house, and we can watch canoes and kayaks pass by; no desert in sight. This is home. We’re together. Safe. Except that safe isn’t always enough, when you’ve known—had to know—so much more.
Now I hear Sgt. Rae veering back and forth through the obstacle course, steering the mini-tank around trees, stumps, boulders, right over small logs. With a double set of the tracks on each side, the only way to steer is by slowing one side while accelerating the other, and that takes strength. I think of her big hands on the levers, the bunched muscles of her arms and shoulders, even stronger now than in the army because she insists on a manually powered chair anywhere but in these woods. Gloves help, but her hands get calloused from turning the wheels. Calloused, and rough, even when she tries to be gentle… Anticipation pounds through my body.  
 I kneel on the ground, close my eyes, try to clear my mind—but on the distant bridge over the river a truck backfires, and in spite of the leafy dampness the desert flashes around me again, the clouds of dust, the explosions, the machine gun fire on that final day. I think of Sgt. Rae’s powerful voice, how it cut through the pain and confusion and kept me breathing when I didn’t think I could last another second. “Brown!” she bellowed, again and again, coming closer to where the shattered truck cab trapped me. “Brown, damn you, report!” That sound gripped me, forced strength into me, so that I moved, just a little, no matter how much it hurt, and she found me.
I never remember what happened next. I don’t think Sgt. Rae does, either, but somebody told me later they found a bent assault rifle barrel nearby, and maybe she levered the truck cab up enough with that to drag me out. I just remember being slung over her shoulder, feeling her run and swerve and run some more, and hearing her voice drilling right through to my heart in a tone I’d never heard before. “Jenny, Jenny…hang on…”
Right then, with bullets still screaming around us, it was like I’d died and waked up to a new world. Ever since the day we met, Sgt. Rae had mesmerized me, obsessed me, and I’d worked to hide my foolish longings behind hard work and casual jokes and chatter. But in that moment, as her strong voice shook, a window opened in the midst of hell and gave me a glimpse of a heaven better than anything they’d ever preached about in church.
I passed out when she set me down behind a sand bunker some of our guys had piled up in a hurry. Maybe I heard somebody say another soldier was still out there, or maybe I just heard later how she went back into that hell. Either way, I know she went.
It was a month before I saw Sgt .Rae again. I was still bandaged but up and walking. She wasn’t. At first, when I stood beside the hospital bed, I wondered whether she was really there at all, inside, until she saw me.
“Jenny?”
I could scarcely hear the word. But then strength came back into her voice, and the power I’d always felt surrounding her was there again as though a light had been switched on. “Specialist Brown, report!”
So I did, listing my injuries and treatments and recovery, even though her half-smile softened the formal order. Later, when she’d had her meds and fallen asleep, I pumped the nurses about her injuries and prognosis, and from that day I was never away from her for more than a few hours. There were some rough parts, and sometimes I had to be the strong one to get her through. A nurse or two caught on that there was more to it than just that she’d saved my life, but they never made any fuss. It helped that I could fix mechanical glitches in the orthopedic ward’s equipment, and even make some things work better than originally designed; I think somewhere along the line they claimed me as an adjunct physical therapy technician.
____________

Hey, look, I’ve finished my blog! That’s one thing done today, at least.



Thursday, June 7, 2018

Thank you for being a reader. #readers #writers #gratitude

by Giselle Renarde


I saw a tweet the other day that really pissed me off.

I won't say who it came from or even what line of work they're in, but the tweet was a real screw-you to all their followers. It said something along the lines of: you think you're so supportive because you follow me and retweet me, but if you're not buying my products then you're not helping me at all because retweets don't pay the rent.

When I saw that, I was seriously taken aback. I haven't stopped thinking about it, and I certainly don't feel that way about my followers on twitter or on my blog or here or anywhere else. Quite the opposite. I appreciate the time you take to read my words, whether they're in blog form, tweet form, or book form.

I appreciate your time.

If you read something I've written here or at Donuts and Desires or on twitter and you take a moment to share it with others, I appreciate that action tremendously.

In fact, it's about more than just your time. It's about much, much more.

The other day I was thinking about book reviews. I don't read reviews of my work, but I appreciate beyond words that readers take the time to share their thoughts with the entire internet.

Sharing your opinions with the world isn't always easy, especially when you consider the nature of what I'm writing: erotica and queer fiction. If you write a book review about my work, you're sharing a lot about yourself.

Some readers are not in a position where they're able to be "out" as kinky or queer or whatever the case may be. They don't feel they can tell the world this is what they're reading. If you fall into that category, I want you to know it's okay. I don't wish for you to put your security in jeopardy to boost me up. Just know in your heart how much I appreciate that you're reading my words.

And if you are in a position to share your views on my work with the world, I appreciate that too. I appreciate it tremendously. And I appreciate it even if you didn't buy the book you're reviewing--if you checked it out of your local library or you got it for free during some kind of promotion or you found a tattered copy in a bus station bathroom.

Yes, I write for a living. Yes I need to put food on the table with my words. And pay the rent. And cover utilities. I couldn't do any of those things without readers. But does that mean I begrudge the people who "only" subscribe to my newsletter, who "only" retweet me once in a while, who "only" read the free stories on my blog? No! Not in the least.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/750860?ref=GiselleRenardeErotica
Let's be real: this is the world of erotica. Most of the people who buy a title like "Forbidden Family Erotica" don't give a fuck that today is my grandmother's 87th birthday (Happy Birthday, Grandma!). They won't remember my name once they've read my smut. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

Not every reader needs to be a fan, and not every fan needs to be a reader. Most of my twitter followers have probably never read my work, and they probably never will. But every so often someone retweets a book trailer I've made, and that gets seen by a few people who've never heard of me, and they get interested in my work and a fan inspires a reader without even knowing it.

It's so shitty for anyone to tell their followers "if you're not purchasing my product, you mean nothing to me." I can't get over it. It's got me so riled up.

Hey, YOU. Yes, you! If you're reading this right now, you mean something to me. I've written these words. You've read these words. No money has changed hands, but we've made a connection. And that means something.

At least, to me it does.

https://www.patreon.com/audioerotica/memberships
And if you want to support me financially, Patreon is as good a place as any!