I'd intended to attempt a light-hearted piece, accompanied by some provocative graphics, that discussed whether erotica needed to be inherently transgressive or whether we betray ourselves and our readers when we seek to make the violation of the sacrosanct arousing.
OK, when I say it like that it doesn't sound light-hearted but I'd like to think that I'd have made it work.
Instead I find that I have quite a different message. Perhaps even the message that my subconscious was trying to send to me when I selected the topic. It is time for me to stop being Mike Kimera.
Taboo is derived from a Polynesian word meaning both sacred and forbidden. Taboos are are meant to be markers, lines we should not cross, that honour the sacred and protect us from following instincts that will diminish our humanity.
I am not by nature a rule follower. I am one of those who feels no need to respect the marks others have made when they label this or that behaviours as taboo. Sometimes I descend into a petty, “I'll do it just to show they can't stop me” kind of attitude.
Yet there are some things that you should not do, especially if no one has the power to stop you.
Today I realized that I have crossed a line that I should not have crossed and in doing so I have lost something precious to me.
I stopped writing a while back because there was too much emotional turmoil in my life and because I wanted to put my wife back in the centre of my world. I stopped for two years. Then I started again.
I've learnt that I need to write. I told myself that by writing again I was doing no harm, that in fact I might be doing myself some good by getting my emotions on the page.
I see now that it isn't writing that's the problem; it's being Mike Kimera.
Mike Kimera is a name I hide behind. Mike Kimera pushes my imagination towards things that I will not admit to in public and which I do not incorporate in my own life. Mike Kimera is someone my wife doesn't love.
The more time I spend as Mike Kimera, the less time I spend living my real life.
On the whole, I like Mike Kimera. That's part of the problem. I've grown used to having him around, I'm proud of at least some of the stories that he's written. I'm flattered and pleased that people read his stories and write to him.
It is the nature of taboo things to be attractive; if they held no attraction they wouldn't need to be protected or forbidden.
I see now that, to be the person I want to be in my real life, to live with authenticity, I must stop mentally sneaking away to be someone else. I should spend that energy in my marriage.
Mike Kimera is a man who sounds like he always knows the answers. I am a man struggling to understand how I came to be where I am: unhappy with myself and unable fully to express the love that I feel for my wife.
I have decided that I will carry on writing, but not as Mike Kimera and not writing erotica. I will write stories I can share with my wife and show to my friends. I will still try to write the truth. I will still listen to hear what the truth tells me about myself.
I hope that I will find my way back to a place where expressing my love is as natural and as necessary as breathing.
My guest on the blog this week is Nikki Magennis, with a great post on book burning. I recommend it to you and I apologise to everyone for my sudden change in direction
This is my last post on “Oh Get A Grip”. I have been honoured to take part in this blog and I wish it continuing success.
My thanks to all of you who have read my stuff.
Good bye and thank you for your kindness.