Clearly, The Cure Didn't Work

I don't know anything about anyone's famous last words. No idea at all. When I think of the idea of last words, all I can come up with is that story Roz tells Frasier about Lupe Velez, and how she wanted to be remembered then accidentally died with her head down the toilet.

But I don't think that's fully grasping the concept, somehow. It's probably much more about dramatic irony or leaving some lasting easily quotable legacy behind - none of which I'm ever going to do.

However, just in case I die in some long drawn out fashion with superior knowledge of the exact second I'm going to cark it, I've composed a number of famous last words for me to utter. They're not exactly famous, when I really think about it, and they probably don't grasp the concept either, but hey. At least they're not what I'm actually going to utter just before I die, which will almost certainly be "God, that fart really hurt".

So here it is. My list of ideal famous last words:

1. Thanks for the threesome, Zachary Quinto and Armie Hammer.

2. Yes, I suppose James Cameron can make a movie out of my book, if he must.

3. And I leave all of my wordly possessions - including Canada and that space station on Mars - to my ninth husband, Ryan Reynolds.

4. So it was all just a dream, then? What a fookin' rip-off.

5. You know, I really didn't think you could die from having sex with Aidan Gillen's face. But I suppose we all have to be wrong about something.

6. Who would have thought it'd be space farts that ended us all?

7. And I'd like to thank the Academy, for blessing me with my seventh Oscar for Most Awesome Writing Ever.

Yeah, I could go on all night. Most of the ones I'm thinking of have something or other to do with fucking some hot dude on an island somewhere that I own while eating cake and hiding from space farts. In fact, I can even pair all of those things together and come up with the ultimate:

8. Thank God you were here to have sex with me, Brandon Routh. Now hand me that cake - it's the only known cure for space farts!

But really, I don't care what my last words are. I'm certainly not bothered about them being famous. I'd just rather be so happy that when I go, I don't feel the need to say anything at all.