There are many contenders for the Sexiest Movie title, in the funhouse halls of my brain. People have already mentioned Secretary - probably because it's orsum and also somehow the only mainstream BDSM movie there is in existence - but I have a slight problem with it. It's gorgeous. It's atmospheric and beautiful and the dialogue is spot on. The performances are wonderful - especially from an achingly repressed James Spader.
But for me, it's the wrong way around. And somehow, I don't think I'm going to be getting THAT movie any time soon. I mean, come on. Hollywood struggled to make a movie about female submission, when female submission is practically its byword. I can't imagine that they're chomping at the bit to make one about Brandon Routh and his struggles to obey his Mistress, Starlotte Chein.
But I digress.
Other movies I could have picked? Y Tu Mama Tambien. That has an actual threesome in it! And it's the good kind of threesome, too - my eyes practically popped out of my head when I saw that one. And then there's The Hairdresser's Husband, which sent my adolescent self into a tailspin of what the fuck is this. Nine and a Half Weeks, which is almost orsum to me until it butts up against images of the current Mickey Rourke.
Or maybe I could pick something a little less Hollywood and a little more hardcore - James Deen is very sexy, even if most of the movies he's in seem to be as mediocre and same-y as every other porn movie out there.
But the truth is, my favourite sexy movie isn't like any of these representations of the genre. I'm not even sure if it could really be termed sexy, since it's so gritty that watching it makes you come away with a mouth full of gravel. It's grim, and grimy, and everybody's depressed. It's the sort of sexy movie that never gets my gears going, usually. I mean, why does sex always have to have terrible consequences, in mainstream movies?
However, when I watch Young Adam I find I don't care about any of that stuff. I only care about the fact that it's got Ewan McGregor - perhaps the world's finest onscreen bonker - pumping away for what seems like hours, and hours. Here we have a master of his game, a true champion of the craft, committing several acts of obscene sexual gymnastics to celluloid, for our delectation.
And my delect is tationed, I tell you what. Never have I seen a rump thrusting away with such vigour, such commitment, oh Lord just the thought of it makes me want to demand a sequel.
Young Adam 2: Rumps A-Pumping
Or to give Ewan his true credit:
Young Adam 2: Fuck Me Is That Really All Him???
Because I swear to God, Ewan McGregor has the most beautiful penis Hollywood has ever seen. Hollywood doesn't even know what it's got, because if it did he would never be fully clothed in movies. He'd film all his scenes - even the ones opposite a fake Prime Minister in some turgid wintry thriller about politics - naked from the waist down. That beautiful thing of his just flapping in the breeze. Pierce Brosnan pretending not to notice, as he tells him to steer clear of the political conspiracy that's building blah blah blah.
Nobody cares, Pierce. We all know what Ewan's got in his pants. And we also know how great he is at onscreen sex, so why don't you just get your clothes off and get to it, okay?
Honestly. These movie stars are so precious about male/male sex scenes. Don't they know that always having sex with Ewan McGregor constantly is the way forward?