Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Threeways With Citizens Of Etheria

There's only one thing I can write about where blood's concerned. Mainly because:

a) Blood the actual substance just makes me think about needles, and needles make me think of that time the nurse put one in me and the end broke off and I fainted while somehow remaining completely conscious. If you're wondering how that's possible, here is a picture of what it looks like:

b) Whenever I start writing about blood ties and my family and what not, I end up getting into gory details about my Mad Uncle Ungar in his narrow castle on a hill, plotting revenge on the family who disowned him for witchcraft, hunchbackery, and orphan snatching. The fact that Mad Uncle Ungar only exists in the world inside my head where I actually live in some Gothic perpetual nineteenth century version of reality is also something of a problem.

c) I can't even talk about blood play. I just can't. Mad Uncle Ungar will try to snatch me, if I do.

So what I'm left with is vampires, which you probably knew I was going to talk about anyway. I mean, it's kind of obvious. I like hot men, I have some psuedo-Freudian issue with needles and blood play...of COURSE I'm going to kink for vampires.

If all of the crushed velvet and brooding and excessive penetration was not enough, just check out this list of men who've played vampires:

Alex O'Loughlin
Gary Oldman
Kiefer Sutherland
Bill Paxton
Adrian Pasdar
Chris Sarandon
James Marsters
David Boreanaz
That guy with a head like a potato from Forever Knight.

And yeah, okay, maybe that last one doesn't count as a hot vampire so much as it counts as a disturbing vegetable, but still. There are some glorious men on that list. Gary Oldman would probably be enough on his own, because of all the oceans of time that make me want to cross them and his eyes like pies and the fact that he can just appear underneath your bedsheets one day.

I mean, can you imagine that? There you are, one sock off, drooling, half-asleep with your laptop on your knee. Or you know, whatever state you find yourself in while lying in bed. And then BAM. Suddenly there's a vampire Gary Oldman materialising between you and your She-Ra duvet!

Plus he probably wouldn't even care that you have a She-Ra duvet, seeing as how he didn't seem to care when he popped up in Winona Ryder's bed and Anthony Hopkins was there. Anthony Hopkins is obviously way worse a thing to have on your duvet than She-Ra, because his face is also like a grizzled vegetable whereas She-Ra's face is really quite pleasing.

Me and Gary could almost certainly have a threesome with her stenciled on image, and even if he wasn't up for that, there's a number of sexy vampires who probably would be. Like Alex O'Loughlin, who generally acts like he'd be happy to have a threesome with anything at all.

My foot and Scott Caan's left armpit? Sure, why not!

Which is probably why I'm writing a filthy story based on him and his ability to make you believe he has no threesome limitations.

But that's beside the point. The point I was making about vampires, that I can't now remember because I'm too busy thinking about a line of them outside my door, waiting to come into my bedroom and let me know whether or not they're cool with She-Ra.

I'd go do something else, if I were you. I may be some time.


  1. Oh lord, Charlotte! So funny.

    I wonder how She-Ra duvets swing...

  2. Can Gary Oldman's Count Dracula still come over if I had a She-Ra sleeping bag in the third grade, but I don't have it anymore? Please say yes. I love a sexy vampire.

  3. The first Saturday shift I ever worked as a waitress I did dressed as She-Ra. Had to explain it to all the little munchkins too. I felt old.

  4. Boy do I feel out of it. Who's She-Ra?

    Sigh. Also there's another Dracula movie with a dreamy leading man, none of the ones you've mentioned, but I just can't remember his name. IMDB isn't being any help, either. Though I did learn that there's a version of Dracula from India (in Hindi)


    AND a movie called: "Zoltan, The Hound of Dracula", aka "Dracula's Dog"



    Anyway, I hope you get the three-way you're fantasizing about...

  5. Kathleen - glad you liked it! And they probably swing towards the pillow.

    Erin - love never forgets. He knows you had that She-Ra sleeping bag.

    Elenya - yep, we're getting to that age. The age where our childhood loves become incomprehensible to the younger generation.

    Lisabet - she's the Princess of Power!

    And was it Gerard Butler in Dracula 2000? Antonio Banderas/Brad Pitt/Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire? George Hamilton in Love at First Bite?


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