I’m sitting in the back yard which needs mowing desperately. The peach tree had been so filled with peaches and the peaches swelled from the rain when we had left that the top had been touching the ground. Now the peaches are gone and it looks relieved like a woman who has given birth. It’s the first sunny day since coming back from vacation and everybody’s kind of depressed. When you’ve been away having a great time, coming back to reality hits you like a board in the head. The back yard smells like cat shit. It must bother my neighbor but he never says anything.
I’m thinking. I need to lose weight, I’m thinking. It would be nice to be young and single, I’m thinking, living next door to young women, maybe college girls, to have a magnificent physique and then take up nude sun bathing. Maybe nude yoga. As I do back bends and downward looking dog maybe I’d hear giggling and camera shutters through the privacy fence. Oh, J Alfred Prufrock. The mermaids will not sing to me either, the old downward looking dog.
My nose itches inside.
I rub it with a finger and it smarts.
My finger strays like a wandering caterpillar, up the pubic haired forest of my beard, ascends my lip, wanders into the cave of my right nostril.
I know its back there. I can feel it. Definitely I can feel it. Almost got it. It’s in there deep. Really getting the old thumb in there. No, hard to reach. If only I had waited to clip my fingernails last night. You get rid of something and then you miss it.
Trying to get my thumbnail under it. One of those dried out little hard ones. Feels like a little mountain range in there.
Come here you booger. You can’t get away. The booger police are here.
Do people pick their nose in Heaven? Would that be allowed? Does the Virgin Mary pick her nose when she’s bored?
What if the booger looks like the Virgin Mary? Could I sell that on eBay? Some wahoo had a piece of French toast that had the face of Jesus and made a bundle on it. It was on CNN or something.
Is it too late to have a great looking physique? Do people have great looking bodies in Heaven? Would girls like me better that way in Heaven or would I still have to be married anyway? How long would you have to go on being married before you could meet girls again? If you want to have a huge dick or big tits in Heaven will they give it to you if you ask? Who would you ask?
What if you’re a virgin in Heaven?
You can’t fornicate. Can’t masturbate. Can’t adulterate. Just celibate. Just go around praising Jesus all the time. Does Jesus like being praised all the time? I like being praised, but if it went on too long it would be annoying like maybe they don't really mean it they just don't want to get in trouble if they stop.
Will there be boogers in Heaven? Like this little hard bastard I can’t reach. Just . . .wait . . . Just . . . Almost maybe. Ow. Little bastard’s really glued down there.
If you eat all your favorite foods in Heaven and never get fat, do you still have to take a dump every day? And if you can’t meet girls or have to stay a virgin, who cares what you look like anyway? Why bother? Do they have outhouses or sold gold toilets? Does the Virgin Mary ever use them? Would she stick her head out and ask you for toilet paper if she were out? If there are golden flush toilets do they need a water purification plant? Who runs that? Do you pay taxes for that? What about cave men, did they need to be house broken, shown how to use toilet paper? Or maybe there aren’t any cavemen in Heaven because they didn’t accept Jesus as their savior, which is kind of a raw deal because Jesus hadn’t even been born yet so its not their fault or anything but still. If you let them off the hook, then all the Christians who had to accept Jesus will complain. It must really suck being God sometimes, everybody complains. What about Adam and Eve? What did they use? Leaves? Does your shit smell in Heaven? Like cat shit does here, cripes. But maybe it’s only people in Hell who have to take a shit, but taking a shit feels kind of nice sometimes, so shouldn’t you be able to do that if you want to? And sex? But maybe its only people in Hell who get to have sex, so if you’re a Virgin maybe that’s a better deal too, but it’s virgins who are supposed to go to Heaven and go on being virgins forever so they're kind of stuck which seems unfair somehow. I’m feeling very confused about this.
If I could just get my thumbnail under it.
I wonder if Harry Potter ever had a booger spell. Petrolem nostrilis boogerum.
If I were in Heaven could I order an angel to do this for me? If angels are your servants they have to do whatever you tell them, no matter what, right? Anything? What if you’re feeling horny and your favorite angel is standing over there waiting for orders and you’re just all like hey you cute little angel come over here. Are there lady angels in Heaven? If I pick one out that looks nice and seems to like me okay and order her to bed does she have to do it because I’m human and she’s just a nobody angel and has to do only what I want? Would I get in trouble, like maybe set off an alarm, maybe call down the angel vice squad? Would they really throw me out to the roasty-toasty place for that, because if I were really Heaven quality material I would never want to screw anybody ever because my thoughts would be pure? Like they'd discover I was there by mistake, maybe a clerical error?
I will get this booger if its the last thing I do in this world. I mean it. My ass will die happy once I’ve got this booger.
If you were in the other place and if you wanted to bang a hot looking lady devil, she’d be totally chill with it and so would her chain of command too I’ll bet. She’d hump you up and down the block in front of everybody and maybe other lady devils would line up to take turns humping you. Maybe she’d be a dominatrix lady devil and spank your ass and then she’d pick your nose for you too. Goddamn. That's kind of a deal.
And if people are praising Jesus all day and all night and it’s really getting on his nerves and he sees you getting kicked out for trying to grab an angel, maybe he’d gather up a couple virgins and a case of beer and you’d all go down there together in his Daddy’s pink Cadillac. Maybe Jesus knows where the party is.
Now that there’s a big lunker.
Wish I could show this to somebody. Maybe my wife would like to see this.
I’m trying to shake it off my finger. It won’t come off. Boy I miss vacation. I’d love to be fishing right now instead of this.
I’m going to shake this thing off the end of my finger if its the last thing I ever do in this world.
Then I can really die happy. For sure.
I love this. I wouldn't normally like to read about boogers, but these are beautiful words, and very accurately portrays the process of getting it out of one's nose.ReplyDelete
One small typo: missing an "i" at solid gold.
I've heard that Islam (some forms, at least) say that there are definitely virgins in heaven, but their role is to reward the men. Maybe the heaven part means that the girls get to be virgins over and over, but I expect that's for the benefit of the men, too. Bear in mind that I know very little about Islam except from hearsay, and I don't mean to offend those who really do know and practice it. I suppose if I really want to know what kind of reward women who become martyrs for the faith can look forward to, I should do some honest research.ReplyDelete
"In Heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here. And when we're gone from here, our friends will be drinking all our beer!" Polish drinking song. My mother was Polish.ReplyDelete
I like the old Irish blessings that involve not wanting to go to Heaven because it will be boring because all of your friends will be busy partying in Hell, doing the kinds of things you all enjoyed on earth. My dad was Scots-Irish.
I'm conflicted. In the light of day, logic tells me that when your brain has no electrical impulses anymore, you won't be thinking or have any self-awareness. As my parents did, I've prepaid for cremations for husband and myself, to make it easier on our kids as my parents did for me. But late at night, when I lie there worrying endlessly about the things that seem so much more frightening when you should be sleeping, I hope for a continuation of who I am because the alternatively is so damn scary.
Husband and I raised the kids to be what we jokingly refer to as "Druid", because we told them that when we are camping in the forest we're in "church". All living things are animated by a life force, which we refer to as God for lack of any better term. We all have part of that God in us to make us alive. Where does that part go when we are no longer alive?
I love to read your stuff, Garce. The very first post I read by you involved the Tulcas (spelling?). I stretched my mind to understand, and enjoyed the process. Just like I enjoyed reading this post as well. Thanks for sharing.
What a pleasure to read your erudite posts every other wednesday, Garce, but I must say I'm glad I know you here, unlike your downwind next door neighbor. :>)ReplyDelete
your bucket list though humble is charming. Patti Smith said we disintegrate into light when we die. Somehow I think it is a state of no attachments where letting go, even of boogers will be nice and easy. I think that the ecstasy we experience in sex will be there but in a disembodied manifestation, maybe energy or quivering light, the dick and pussy are mere instruments of the experience, containers for the impulse, somehow I believe the effervescent blissful and orgasmic essence remains.ReplyDelete
we are here in the body to learn joy,to know what it is, later on we won't need the body to be the joy.
just my imaginings on this wednesday evening.
Garce - I think you found the solution to being bored!ReplyDelete
Chuck Palahniuk would be really proud of this piece.
I doubt the human psyche can imagine what will happen to our essence after we die. Likely it's something nobody has yet thought of. So I'm content to enjoy the body as it is, relative to where we are right now. In fact, I think we have that obligation to ourselves.ReplyDelete
Opening up our breathing passages by dislodging a large and hard booger is tantamount to relieving ourselves with a big dump. The joy is nearly endless. Until the next time, that is.ReplyDelete
Perhaps the morale to come away with is, while we're alive, finding as much surprise in our spouses as we do in ourselves.
Not the most erotic thing in the world I guess, though I'll bet that somewhere in this wicked world there's a couple with a booger thing going on.
I'd like to believe that in the afterlife ladies can dump their men if they want to and have their own harems of pretty boys. Ultimately I don't believe in that though. I think there's something going on, but it will be more complex and weird than that.
You read my thing about the Tulpas? That was a while back. I think that idea is about as close to Heaven as I would imagine is actually possible and maybe even have some evidence for.
I agree, sex is a lot to do with brain wiring and hormone, and since I rarely - regrettably almost never - dream about sex, I have to figure there won;t be much of it after our bodies are in the ground. But I do, seriously, believe that something of us goes on. I think this because when I look at my personality-consciousness its very fleeting, very moody and changeable. I can easily believe it doesn't actually exist. But behind it is an intangible awareness, something that stretches unchanging into my past like the thread that strings pearls together. That awareness makes me think that this part of me will go on. You too.
Hi Daddy X!ReplyDelete
Thank you kindly! I did recently make my neighbor a cheesecake. The backyard does have a kind of funky cheesy smell when it rains. It seemed only fair.
Goddess of Butt!ReplyDelete
I'm sure you remember my piece about the Tulpas too, since it had something to do with you. I've heard that about the afterlife, astral sex, that it is a powerful merging of spiritual energy. I would love to believe that's true and something to look forward. I think we're here to learn joy, but as you know too well I think, we learn sadness too. Too much of either is bad for us I think.
You remember the old days, the old crowd, the old savior. I think the emphasis on purity was out collective undoing. Over time I've come to believe that the highest spiritual value is compassion. I think you would agree with me on that.
It kind of does sound like something Chuck Palahniuk would write now that you mention it. You hear my style. I was also trying to channel Bukowski a little bit.
Hi daddy X again!ReplyDelete
It is a lovely thought though isn't it?
In the end you just have to love what there is to love. This morning I was reading all about Neanderthals. They buried their dead with ceremony and showed signs of a religion, symbolic imagination and of a very hard life. They knew compassion for each other. That's amazing to me.
There is joy in boogers and dumps and the realization that we will always have them in the future until that fateful moment when we don't.