Tuesday, February 24, 2015


by Suz deMello

Connecting... This is a tough one for me.

One of my first crushes--tall, smart and, alas, aloof.
Image public domain via Wikimedia Commons
I remarked in my last post that I have the emotional IQ of a dead salamander. Unfortunately, I tend to choose men with the EIQs of a dead and rotting salamander.

My first crushes were on Mr. Spock and Sherlock Holmes. What did they have in common? Tall, intellectual, aloof.

Some might think I am the same--like is attracted to like. But I can tell you that an attraction to aloof males is a recipe for heartbreak.

I'm still working my way through the painful aftermath of my most recent stupid choice. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm even reading a lot of online romantic advice: 3 Simple Explanations for Why You're Still Single (I know why. A broken heart will make a woman somewhat risk-averse); Specific Ways to Make Him Want Only You...  (Grow big boobs or have them surgically implanted); and the one that really irks me: 6 Simple Tricks to Crack the Man Code.

There's a code?!?!? Pardon the French, but Jesus fuck. Apparently men don't speak the same language even when it's English.

But the view that there are different love languages is optimistic. Some folks, like John Grey, think that men and women are from different planets.

Small wonder I can't connect.

I like to go deep. Casual sex bores me. I used to be into sportfucking, but grew
 Nevit Dilmen via Wikimedia Commons
beyond it, just as I outgrew my interests in bicycling, martial arts and ice hockey.

Recently, I've also noticed nomenclature issues and that social mores have changed. I was recently corresponding online with a guy and mentioned that I wanted a boyfriend. His reaction was one of horror: "you mentioned the B-word!!!"

I was like, "Well, Jeez, it's not like I'm planning to move in with you or walk up the aisle in a white dress any time soon."

People have gotten so weird about having a nice, steady relationship that includes good sex, an occasional dinner out, and interesting conversation. I don't know what the problem is. Trolling for sex is a giant PITA. Am I the only person around who hates dating? 

The Dating Swamp. Watch out for gators!
Image: Bert Kauffman via Wikimedia Commons
Dating, to me, is like a frustrating tour of local supermarkets in search of a product I just can't find. I guess if a person enjoys wading through a massive time sink, they'll love dating. For me? Not so much.

I'm really busy. I just don't have time to get cleaned up, do my hair and makeup, and waste an evening on some Bozo who mixes up good and well, or who doesn't know how to hold a fork correctly.

And don't get me started on social media. I get messages like this on FB from men I don't know:

How are you Demello? Hope you are doing fine. Thanks for accepting my friend request. Well, it was when my daughter was playing game on my FB page (farmville) when your profile suddenly pop up on the right down corner where is written "people you may know" i click on it, view it and decided to contact you to know you beyond your profile. You are gorgeous and it will be a privilege to introduce myself. I am from the states, but presently in Liverpool on a contract job here which am almost done with, I am an engineer who is into building constructions, I build houses, hospitals, bridges,roads...etc, I am self employed and I handle my job in contracts. Please tell me little about you if you don't mind.

I mean, WTF???? Did I ask for this guy's (ungrammatical) autobiography? And he can't tell that deMello is my last name, not my first? Crikey.

I have it on good authority that dating and mating were not always so difficult. According to a book I'm reading, Sex at Dawn, as higher primates we should all be enjoying active sex lives with...whoever. Whenever.


Bonobos are so casual about sex that
they'll munch a snack while banging.

Image by Rob Bixby via Wikimedia Commons
Such pronouncements leave those of us who are fairly picky about their partners a sense that we're abnormal. Supposedly we're biologically predestined to bang like bunnies, or maybe bonobos (which I've heard use group sex to solve conflicts rather than interpersonal violence. I have to say that's a smarter alternative).

Often I wish I could simply get rid of the urge to merge. I once asked a hypnotherapist to do just that. She smiled softly and told me the bad news: the drive to connect is intrinsic and can't be eliminated.



  1. OMG!!!
    Are the art police gonna see that pic of blatant threesome? :>) And I'll bet that one in the middle is underage!

  2. At least the Bonobos aren't literally nude, with all that hair. Sexually explicit, maybe, at least to other Bonobos.

  3. wow. My comment disappeared. The censors are active already. I thought it was harmless.

    1. Put it back! I want to know what you think.

    2. I said I was a long way from my dating years so I have no advice. I'm always entertained though by the titles I see in the magazine rack in the checkout line-"Six Ways to Turn Your Man On." I'm wondering what the other five are. No wonder its so hard to connect.

  4. I HATED dating for exactly the same reasons and I just handed my son's fiancee Men are From Mars...
    Frankly, I am surprised that you aren't hit up more with that kind of Friend request...or am I getting all the gigolos? Not only am I not looking for outside action, the dumbasses don't even bother to use the same cover story in their requests as they have in their profiles. It's laughable, really. My guess is that you look like you could get any man you want...I must look pathetically needy! Hmmmmm.

    1. I'm hit up all the time. A good friend told me once that "dating is just a process of elimination." Well, I'm eliminating onstantly...and it's sh!tty (pun intended).

  5. Ah, Suz! I feel for you. The world of sex and relationships has become much more difficult to navigate since I was in my sex goddess period. My only advice? Don't look too hard, but remain open to serendipity. When I met my husband, I was definitely NOT in the market for a long-term partner, but fate had other ideas.

    I identify with your crushes. I shared them - and add Ilya Kuryakin, Napoleon Solo's understated, unflappable side kick. For years I would fall hopelessly in love with what I call the "dark poet" type - like the guy in my poem last cycle. I'm not sure why these emotionally closeted guys are so appealing.. Perhaps it's the sense of hidden depth. Or the self-flattering notion that we, of all the women in the universe, might be the one to break down their walls and touch their hearts.

    And I love your bonobos. However, I suspect their grammar might be even worse than the gentleman on FB!

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. Oh, yeah--David McCallum! I liked him much more than Robert Vaughn, which is odd for me--I usually go for TDH, not blond. Maybe it was the accent.

      I don't know why I'm attracted to aloof, but it's stupid and annoying. I hope my hypnotherapist can change that rather than eliminating the urge to merge entirely.

  6. I always have referred to the idea that only ONE WOMAN could reach the heart of the cold, aloof man, as the "Harlequin Romance Syndrome." It's the idea that not only is the woman special beyond all others, but that the man is actually worth having. Instead, it's been my experience that men who are aloof and cold like that (cough, Dad, cough) are emotionally stunted beings who long ago were taught to shut off their emotions entirely. So the woman could combine the sexiness of Marilyn Monroe, with the brassiness of Mae West, and the loving spirit of Mother Theresa, and STILL not get through to him, other than as a quick piece of "wham, bam, thank-you ma'am." I met a few in my wilder days, and decided a long time ago that I don't believe in that particularly devastating fantasy. Women I know who have still sought that special-ness, cry on my shoulders while I pat them to console them, as I assure them that they are, indeed, very special...at least to me.

    I must acknowledge being guilty of having crushes on all of the fictional guys you mentioned above. I even wrote a short novel about a woman who is herself, emotionally stunted, who falls in love (to her horror) with an alien who has no concept of what love means to humans. My tagline is, "Can she discover her own humanity in the arms of an alien?" At just over 36,000 words, that's my shortest novel, but some reviewers didn't like the heroine so it was judged pretty harshly. I guess only the hero is allowed to be emotionally damaged and cold?

    BTW, the first time I read about Bonobo monkeys, I laughed out loud. That pretty much describes what I was like for a couple of years during my college days. It sure was fun, as long as I ignored all of the names I got called by men and other women.

    1. LOL, when I attended college, everyone was doing the Bonobo thing. Nothing to be ashamed of at all.

  7. And there are still books out there with titles like Think Like A Woman, Act Like A Man, and How to Find A Husband Before You're 40!

  8. SMBC Theater did a hilarious sendup of all these tips called "Cosmotopian." It's well worth watching. Spoiler alert: All tips boil down to "touch him on the penis." I really enjoy laughing at those sorts of tips. They are so generally absurd.

    I find a lot of these different language things to be overly simplistic pseudoscience, and a lot of the evolutionary "explanations" are suspect and contradictory when I dig into them. People repeat discredited studies or extrapolate way too much from weak evidence or fail to take into account the complexities of culture. Also, not being straight makes it really odd to read explanations of sexual behavior that are all about mating.

    Those pseudoscientific pronouncements often make me feel abnormal as well, though for my own reasons.

    Best of luck satisfying the drive to connect in a way that makes sense for you!


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