Wednesday, April 11, 2018

"My First Little Golden Book of Pornography" An Appropriated Story

Chapter One
 "Having Fun With Horny Dick and Jane"

Jane sits on the bed.  
The bed is big. Big, big bed.
See Jane sit.  Sit, Jane sit.
Here is Dick.   
Hello, Dick, says Jane.
Hello, Jane, says Dick.  How are you?
I am very horny, says Jane.  How are you, Dick?
I am very horny too, says Dick. 
Jane is horny.  Dick is horny. Dick and Jane are horny.  
Are you horny?  What will horny Dick and Jane do?
Let us play balls, says Dick.
Yes, says Jane. Let us play balls.
Dick has two balls.  Look at Dick's two balls.  Dick's funny balls are big.  Dick's two balls are pink.
Would you like to play with my big, pink balls? Says Dick.
Yes, says Jane.  I like to play balls with you.  Would you like to play pussy with me?
Pussy says Meow Meow.  Jane's pussy says ahhhh ohhhh
Would you like to play with my big, pink balls now? Says Dick.
Look, says Jane.  Look, look.  Here is Pussy. 
Hello, pussy, says Dick. Dick likes to pet Pussy.  
Jane likes Dick to kiss pussy.  Funny little Pussy.  
Pussy is wet.  Wet, wet, wet Pussy.
Jane plays balls.  Dick pets pussy.  
Look at Dick's funny face.  Look at Jane's funny face.
Jane kisses balls.  Dick kisses Pussy.  
Would you like to kiss Pussy too?  
Would you like to kiss Dick's balls with Jane?
Dick is on the bed. Look up, Jane.  Look up and see Dick.
See Dick go up.  Dick goes up, up, up.
See, baby.  See, see.  Dick is up.
Oh, Dick, says Jane.  You are up.
Yes, says Dick.
See Pussy, says Jane.  Look, look, look. Pussy is wet.
Pussy loves Dick.  Dick loves Pussy.
Dick kisses Pussy.  Oh, see. 
See Jane's happy face. See Dick kiss Pussy.        
Hear Jane go Meow Meow!.   
Oh, Dick! Oh, Dick, moans Jane.  
 Moan, Jane.  Moan, moan.
Come, Pussy, come, says Dick.
Meow Meow Meow, moans Jane.
Now, now, now? Says Dick.
Wait, wait, wait, moans Jane.
Pussy loves Dick.
Dick loves pussy.
See Jane lay.  Lay, Jane, lay.  
Lay, lay, lay.
Dicks lays too.  Dick lays on Jane.
See Dick's funny face.  See Jane's funny face.
In, Dick, In.
Come, Jane, come.
In, Dick, in.
Yes, Jane, yes.
In, Dick, in.  In, in, in.
Dick goes push.  Push, push, push.
Oh, Jane, oh, says Dick.  Oh, oh, oh. 
Yes, Dick, yes.  Yes, yes, yes.
Squeak goes the bed.  Squeak, squeak, squeak.
Unh,unh,unh, says Dick. Grr, grr, grr.
Shake goes the bed. Shake, shake, shake.
Squeak, squeak, squeak.
Push!  Push!  Push!
Dick!  Dick! Dick!
Shake, shake, shake.
Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!
Squeak, squeak, squeak.
Ooo!  Ooo!  Ooo!
Go, Dick, go.  Go, go, go.
Dick says “Here I come, Jane!”
Jane says “Wait for me, Dick.”
Come, Jane. Come, come, come.
Come with me, Dick, says Jane
Oh god, Jane, oh god, says Dick.
Wait Dick, wait.
I must come, says Dick.
Wait Dick, says Jane.
Oh god, says Dick, ohgodohgodohgod 
No, Dick, no.  No, no, no.
Oh, Jane, OH!!
Wait, Dick, wait.
Oh - Jane - HUNH! Oh holy fuck . . . ah.
No, Dick.  Shit . . .
ahhhhh, says Dick.
Sorry, Jane. Sorry.
See Jane's frowny face.  See Dick's funny face.
Selfish bastard, says Jane.



  1. Fucking hilarious, Garce.
    This is one I wish I'd had the brains to conjure up.
    Priceless, dude.

  2. Ah, the torture, so many years back, when I entered kindergarten already able to read my mom articles from the newspaper while she prepared dinner. Then they gave me the Dick and Jane books, which I looked at and asked, "Really? You're kidding, right?"

    But your take on them is hilarious! You get the excess repetition perfectly, and the outcome is totally predictable, given their ages. I read somewhere that nature might have designed young men to go off like cannons numerous times, because if only the alpha male was supposed to have sex with the women of the tribe, then any usurper would have had to be quick, to ensure his genes would be carried on. If every second counted, then coming quickly would be a benefit. Of course, that wouldn't necessarily be good for Jane, even if Dick was very good at pussy-licking.

    Luckily, at his age, he should be up for action again very soon.

  3. Hi Fiona!
    Everything about the sexuality stakes for me and women is geared differently. Men come quick and often because the rotation is small for them. Men have orgasms women have babies. Women can die. So women are more picky. As you get older you manage to slow down a little more.

    I only vaguely remember Dick and Jane. My earliest memory of reading were actually these cowboy Bob readers I used to get.

  4. I learned to read from a chemistry text. I think I would have learned much faster if I'd had Dick and Jane. When is the sequel, "Dick and Jane: Whips and Chains" due on the shelves?

  5. Whips and chains. Maybe Lisabet could help me with that one. . . .

  6. And the third in the trilogy could be Alice and Jerry Visit Dick and Jane.

    1. Does Spot get to do anything fun? Bestiality always pushes the envelope!

    2. Interesting. Too late now.

      I did do a post on that a couple months ago however involving a great Dane and some peanut butter, called "Samson and Delilah". That was fun to write.

  7. Who are Alice and Jerry? Movie?

    1. Alice and Jerry were the characters in a competing series of first readers, co-existing with Dick and Jane, so why not co-habiting? As I recall, Alice was blonde; I didn't notice much about Jerry.

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  9. Brilliant!

    Actually, I learned reading from Dick, Jane and Sally (there were three kids), Spot and Puff. (The dog and the cat.) But like Fiona, I was reading at least two years before I started first grade.

  10. I think I got my start on the dick and Jane stuff too. What I remember is that I fell in love with reading immediately, even though it was hard for me to learn. I learned to read from the phonics method. I know this because i remember loving the sound of the word "phonics". I used to whisper it out loud.

  11. LMFAO Garce. This is hilarious. It reminds me of stuff I've seen where people tried to write erotica with the most common 1000 words in the English language. I think Nobilis Reed has a piece like that? It's awesome.


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