Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Fear of Phobias. J.P. Bowie

Phobias are funny things really, and some of the funniest things are what people have phobias about. If there's one about bad grammar I should insert it here!

Some of the longest words have phobia tacked on the end -



Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- which actually means fear of long words. Love it.

I am only too aware of the word homophobia, but heterophobia? - not so much. And in a recent article I was reading on the internet a guy used homophobia instead of hoplophobia - a fear of firearms. "Yes officer, he was pointing a queer at me!" Although after watching the mess in Ferguson, Mo., I think I'm suffering from hoplophobia.

Love this one too -

Consecotaleophobia- the fear of chopsticks. I dare anyone tell me they knew that one!

Here's one I definitely suffer from  -
Logizomechanophobia- Anyone?  Fear of computers. Oh yeah, I tremble every time something goes wrong with my pc and I dread having to call the help line. I feel so stupid when I can't understand a word the guy is saying. "Sorry, can you repeat that again...and again?" They get quite angry with me.

But while I'm at the computer and banging away at my next erotic epic these strange little phobias cannot be overlooked -


Medomalacuphobia - Fear of losing an erection. Well, so far none of my heroes has had to worry about that
Medorthophobia- Fear of an erect penis. Who is this idiot?
Megalophobia - Fear of large things. See above.

Some of them seem just made up to suit the phobia -  
Acousticophobia - Fear of noise for instance
Aerophobia - Fear of flying. I could've made that one up.

Then there's Agoraphobia - Fear of public places like markets. Well, if I lived in Bagdhad you'd never see me in a market place 

And last but not least - sometimes when I'm swearing at my computer and calling it spawn of Satan and other devilishly choice names, I  might be suffering from
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia- the fear of  the number 666.

There really is a world of phobias out there!

Th-that's all folks - is that Animationophobia?


 





Monday, August 18, 2014

Myonphobia

By Lisabet Sarai


Laurel gazed out at the lake from the cabin porch and released another sigh. A full moon silvered the water. Little ripples murmured as they kissed the narrow beach. A gentle wind stirred the pines. Otherwise, silence reigned. She ran her fingers through her long, blonde locks. Pain knotted under her lush breasts. The night was achingly beautiful, but so very lonely.

Of course, she had wanted solitude. That's why she'd fled, after Harold's funeral. Her step children circled like vultures, ready to attack, determined to contest his revised will. She had to get away. Let her lawyers handle them She understood why her husband had cut them out and left his entire fortune to her. He was trying to assuage his guilt, to apologize for his failures. No amount of money, though, could ever compensate for those lost years.

She had always loved this place, buried in the forests of the Upper Peninsula, ten miles from the nearest settlement. “Aren't you worried, Lauri, up there all by yourself?” her best friend Marissa had asked when Laurel announced her plans. “A woman on her own? What about wild animals? Criminals? Rapists?”

“I've got the satellite phone, hon. And the Farleys in the next cabin are barely a mile away. Jim checks by every day to make sure I've got everything I need.”

The haunting call of a loon echoed through the stillness A chill shiver ran up her spine. During the day it was easy to forget how alone she was, but at night...

I'm fine, she told herself. There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

A sudden noise arose, as if to contradict her self-reassurance, the crackle and pop of something moving through the underbrush along the shore. Shrinking back into the shadows near the cabin wall, she scanned the thick vegetation. The racket grew louder, snapping twigs and a huff that might have been the breathing of some great beast. A moose? she wondered. A bear?

She gripped the rifle Jim Farley had pressed on her. Laurel had no idea how to use it – what romance heroine would? - but the cold metal under her palm blunted the razor edge of her terror. If I just stay quiet, it will probably go away. She knew she should slip back into the cabin and lock the door, but fear held her paralyzed. Quite simply, she couldn't move. Standing barefoot on the rough boards, wearing only brief shorts and a tank top – why bother with undergarments when there was no one around? – she'd never felt so vulnerable.

The intruder was close now. She could see the bushes shaking, off to the left. Any instant, it – or he – would burst into the clearing in front of the hut.

She found herself whispering a childhood prayer.

“Ugh! Damn roots!” It was a man's voice, confident and mature, deep and rich as milk chocolate, with a hint of a drawl that brought back memories from her youth. A decidedly masculine body stumbled out of the brush onto the beach. He pulled himself up to his full height – easily six three or six four – and gazed around him. Broad -shouldered and narrow-waisted, that lithe, powerful form set alarm bells ringing in Laurel's mind and a current of heat swirling through her body.

No. It couldn't be.

The interloper peered into the darkness and sniffed the air. All the lights in the cabin were off. He seemed not to see her. He raised his face to the moon.

There was no doubt. She would never forget those perfect cheekbones, that arrogant nose, that chiseled jaw. Moonbeams lit his bottomless blue eyes, making them glow like sapphires. A strangled moan escaped her throat. Her nipples beaded under her thin top and a growing hunger throbbed in her core.

Grant. Grant Steele. The one man she'd ever loved.

“Laurel? Laurel baby! You are here, after all.” In two athletic bounds, he'd scaled the porch and stood towering over her diminutive frame. He was solid, real – this wasn't one of her eternal fantasies. Without preliminaries, he gathered her into his arms. He smelled of balsam, damp earth and grease from his favorite french fries. The all-too-familiar scent left her limp and increasingly damp.

His firm lips pressed against her, mastering her in an instant. Molten need flooded her as he pulled her more tightly against his rock-hard body. His tongue invaded her mouth and tangled with hers, brazen and insistent. Meanwhile his always-bold hands traced her bountiful curves, kneading her well-toned buttocks and tickling the side of one full, tender breast.

Lightning sparked through her with each of his touches. His massive erection prodded her pubis as he continued to ravage her mouth. All she wanted was to sink to the ground and open herself to him. It took every ounce of will she could muster to push him away.

“Grant – Grant – wait a moment, please!”

“I've waited half a lifetime for you, angel. That's long enough!” Nevertheless he backed off a bit. She pressed her hands against his chest, needing to catch her breath for a moment, to increase the distance between them. If she didn't, she'd go mad.

Under his tight tee shirt, ridges of unyielding muscle rose and fell under her fingertips, like a bumpy road. She fought down a sudden wave of nausea. “Grant, how did you ever find me?”

Instead of answering, he bent to kiss her again, nibbling at the corner of her mouth, sliding his burning lips along her jaw, sucking on her earlobe until electric sparks sizzled down to her moist center. His hands busied themselves, too, slipping under the waistband of her shorts to cup her bare rear cheek.

The shock of his flesh on hers made her see stars. He kindled delight in every cell of her being, but she had to hold on, at least for a moment. She had to know. She trust her palms against his chest once more, ignoring the shudder that crept through her.

“Grant! Please! Who told you I was out here?”

“Nobody told me. I just knew. You're my soul mate, Laurel. I always know where you are. Of course, getting to you might not always be that easy.” He glanced a bit ruefully at the biceps bulging out of his short sleeves, which were scratched and raw from fighting his way through the woods, then favored her with one of his irresistible, boyish grins. “But it's worth it...”

The sight of his torn, pneumatic flesh made her a bit queasy. She ducked away before he could descend on her mouth once more. She wanted him – oh, how she wanted him, with the pent-up urgency of fifteen years apart! But first they had to talk. Communication was important. She wasn't going to just give herself to him like some slut. She had to know how he felt, why he'd left town so suddenly after that night, so long ago...

Still. His soul mate, he'd called her. Passion flared in her heart and between her thighs. It was too wonderful to be true!

“If you felt that way – why did you leave me – you know, after...”

“After you refused to give me your cherry?”

“Come on, Grant, you know we couldn't. We were barely seventeen. We were romance characters. It's just not allowed.”

He didn't try to disguise the bitterness in his voice. “I ran away from the hurt. I thought I could forget you. That I could bury myself in other bodies and burn out the need.” With a gentleness that almost made her sob, he trailed his fingers through her luminous golden tresses. “And I tried, baby. Believe me, I tried. I whored my way from Mombasa to Bangkok. But you were with me the whole time. Every woman I ever fucked was really you.”

His crudeness made her own desire flare. “Oh, Grant...”

“Then, when I heard your husband had died, that you were a widow now – I had to track you down. To make you give me what you've owed me for so very long... what we both need and deserve...”

He seized her with new roughness. “I'm finally going to make you mine, baby.” Her clothing tore like tissue paper under his assault. She sprawled backward onto the porch, bare as the day she was born. The night air, cool on her fevered skin, both thrilled and terrified her.

Her nakedness stunned him for a moment. He gazed at her with something like reverence. “God, you're beautiful, Laurel! You're a dream come true.” He dabbled his fingertips in her moist cleft, barely revealed by her gracefully parted thighs. “And so wet, darling! You want me as much as I want you.”

He knelt between her legs and she held her breath. The moment – the moment was coming. But she had to tell him the truth.

“Of course I want you, Grant. I always wanted you, no matter what I said or did. That night up on the hill above town – you have no idea how much I wanted you to be my first. How difficult it was to say no.”

“I should have been.” Anger and regret both rang in his voice. He was fiddling with his jeans, trying to get his zipper open. Laurel held her breath. “But it's too late now.”

She propped herself up on her elbows, her eyes glued to his fingers. “No, Grant. It's not.”

“What?” He sat back on his heels to stare at her. “What are you talking about?”

“Harold – he – well, let's just say that he and I never consummated our marriage.”

“You mean – are you trying to say....” he whispered.

“Yes, my love. I'm still a virgin.”

“Praise the Lord and the saints!” He dragged her back into his arms, kissing her all over. “I can't believe it. After all this time... Oh, baby, I'm going to make it so good for you, so very good. Just lie back and let me take care of everything!”

With exaggerated care he settled her onto her back once more. Her legs flopped open and her musky aroma pervaded the atmosphere. Never in all her thirty three years had she been so drenched, so aroused, so ready.

Grant gave her a devilish grin. He grabbed the bottom of his shirt and pulled it over his head to reveal his naked torso.

Laurel screamed. Terror drowned out every erotic thought, every lascivious sensation. “No! No! Get away from me!”

The vision before her was more monster than man. Unnaturally smooth, totally hairless skin stretched taut over the swollen contours of his massive pectorals. Puffed-up deltoids merged into the ballooning biceps she'd glimpsed earlier. Ropy veins twisted around the contoured flesh of his arms, like tubing installed to nourish some artificial life form. Below his nipples, his abdomen rippled, wavy crests and valleys, all hard and burnished. The sight made her ill, made her weak. She closed her eyes, unable to bear the horror.

“Laurel, honey. What's wrong?” Grant bent closer to her face. One rubbery nipple brushed against her own breast.

“Aye! Get away from me...!” Crab-like, heedless of the splinters embedding themselves in her bare butt, she scooted backward, trying to get away from that unbearable ugliness and the awful fear it kindled. Fear was her only reality now. She clambered onto her feet, stumbled down the porch steps and raced off into the night.

Of course, Grant could have stopped her – he outweighed her by sixty or seventy pounds, easily, and he had all those muscles – but he was so astonished by her reaction that he didn't even think about it. What was wrong with her? All the women he'd had over the years had raved about his physique. He'd expected Laurel to go weak with lust, as they had...

He shook his head. She had always been a bit nuts. A virgin at thirty three! Maybe she wasn't his soul mate after all.

Meanwhile, Laurel crashed through the forest, heedless of the branches tearing at her naked flesh. Her only thought was to put distance between her and the disgusting reality of Grant's over-inflated body. She ran and ran, until she was totally lost. Finally, when her strength failed her, she collapsed on the mossy bank of little stream that ran through a moon-dappled clearing.

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she gasped for air. Sobs shook her ripe, vulnerable body. Was she crying for her lost love? Her lost innocence?

Gradually her breathing slowed. She drank deeply from the crystalline rivulet, to soothe her raw throat. Then she lay back and closed her eyes, focusing on the faint sounds of the night and the sweet, spicy scents of the nature. Gradually a kind of peace stole over her. She had escaped. She was free.

Her fingers drifted to her bare sex. She was still wet, still tingling with residual want. Not for Grant, though. Never. Dreamy and relaxed, she stroked her moist folds and savored the ripples of sensation kindled by that light touch. Perhaps she didn't need a man at all.

The sound of breaking branches roused her from her erotic reverie. Grant! But whatever was forcing itself through the underbrush was bigger than Grant, more powerful.

Her heart in her throat, Laurel rolled onto her knees. She was ready to run if she had to, but for the moment curiosity held her fast.

A hairy form at least seven feet tall burst from the trees into the open area and stood, sniffing the air. The beast stood on its hind legs like a man, but its immense stature and shaggy pelt made it clear this creature was not human. Its tufted ears swiveled, trying to locate the source of Laurel's shallow breathing. Saliva dripped from its maw, which bristled with vicious looking teeth. Meanwhile, jutting from its groin was a rigid and very human-looking male organ – aside from the fact that it was half again as long and thick as any penis that had ever appeared in an erotic romance story.

The creature's ferocious growl changed to some more ambiguous vocalization when he finally noticed Laurel's naked form crouched on the earth. He took a step forward, his erect member bobbing like a conductor's wand. The rhythmic motion held Laurel transfixed. Rekindled lust flickered through her, tightening her nipples and moistening her virgin cunt.

Her fur-covered companion made another sound, grunting with a rising intonation that seemed to signal a question. He took yet another step in her direction.

He didn't seem inclined to attack her. Laurel almost wished he would.

Finally, worn down by too much terror, frustrated with waiting, she flopped over on her back, raised her knees and gave the creature a good look at her wet and gleaming sex. Enough was enough.

“Come on, big boy. Let's see what you can do.”

Sunday, August 17, 2014

The BP Gulf Oil Spill Considered as a Menopausal Woman Melting into a Giant Pool of Water









The Explosion
During the months of March and April, acquaintances and family members expressed concern over the warning signs of increasing structural instability in Ms. Gail Wooding. On the evening of 15 April, while frying potatoes for her family’s dinner, Ms. Wooding was observed by her daughter to go through an entire roll of paper towels while exclaiming over the intense heat of the kitchen. Marie initiated operations to move her homework to a suitable location after filing unanswered complaints and misgivings to local management. These operations were interrupted in progress by an explosion event in the vicinity of the stove. This concussive release of methane was observed to come from Ms. Wooding as she fanned herself furiously with a dish towel.

“Mom! You are so fucking gross!” observed Marie. Moments later her mother
violently dissipated in an act of spontaneous resummation. The subsequent
collapse of Ms. Wooding into roughly one hundred and five barrels of human
liquid compound caused the daughter to expeditiously move her educational
activities to higher land.


The Spill
Immediately after the meltdown event, paramedics on the scene moved a live web camera feed previously attached to the ceiling above Ms Wooding’s bed to the kitchen area to monitor the ongoing spill on a twenty four hour basis. All attempts to put a cap on what remains of Ms Wooding, and re-coop losses from web site pay per view subscriptions have so far met with failure.



The Dog
Peeves, the family dog, was observed to voluntarily take the initiative in the skimming operations, lapping up some of what remained of Ms. Wooding, while pending the approval of local emergency authorities to evaluate the scene. The earnest skimming efforts of Peeves may have contributed in some part to the lessened impact of the flood on the local household habitat known to support a variety of wildlife, including cockroaches, silverfish and an endangered species of pygmy land crabs.



The Son
“It was wicked!” exclaimed Wooding’s son Ed. “I mean like – dude!” Ed has held the office of family son and male heir exclusively for the past decade, starting with his conception into office in early May of 2001 by Mr. Wooding and Ms. Wooding. Several attempts to provide a suitable placement for the office of second son ended in failure, possibly due to the onset of hormonal changes and an eventual fall off of reproductive interest in Mr. Wooding by Mrs. Wooding.


The Media
“My friends, you won’t believe what they’re up to now,” declared talk show host Rush Humbug on Tuesday’s radio broadcast. “This is mind boggling, it shows how desperate the Obama socialists are getting, folks, this so called menopausal myth. It’s all being blamed on hormonal warming. Hormonal warming is a liberal lie. There is no such thing as hormonal warming. There is no evidence of hormonal warming, and there is no reputable scientist you can name that believes in hormonal warming. I’ll say it again, my friends, there is no such thing as female menopause, never has been, never will be. This is just another example of the far left liberal environmental whackos, and the Obama White House agenda conspiring with feminazis and the state run liberal media, trying yet again to convince you to buy their crackpot theories. People – its getting crazy out there, the absence of critical thinking on this. If Obama really cared about this situation he’d appoint the dog as The Menopausal Czar. Does he? No!”


Personal Intimates
“You could have busted my nuts, when I heard this!” stated Sheila Wyman, Ms. Wooding’s secret lesbian lover with whom she had been carrying on a torrid five year affair, unknown to Mr. Wooding. “Some nights she was on fire. What bakes my noodle is that all this time I thought it was me getting her hot.”

Mr. Cabot Paddington, who has been secretly running both Ms. Wooding and Ms. Wyman as covert CIA death squad assassins declined to comment on the spontaneous resummation of Ms. Wooding, only to say it was not work related.

“I drilled some relief wells into that honey’s big ass every chance I got, when her man warn’t around.” said blues icon Hound Dog Redman in a Rolling Stone interview. “I was her back door man. But the bitch, she was trouble. She couldn’t get enough of that devil stick, and that’s what done ‘er in. I’m tellin’ ya. This whole thing, it’s just ate up.”

The Authorities
Life insurance underwriters, Skrewiz, Widdow and Children released an official statement that they will seriously consider all sustainable claims related to this incident. So far no payments have been given out. The firm of Skrewiz, Widdow and Children is disputing the claim that Ms. Walling’s demise is connected with her sudden conversion into water, ruling it as an event of
“willful negligence”.

“There is no actual evidence that Ms. Wooding is in fact deceased. No body has been produced.” Said the firm in a press release.


The Husband
As barrels of Ms. Wooding flooded into the street and damaged lawn grass habitats in the adjoining houses, converting them into reeking wetlands, neighboring residents assaulted Mr. Wooding with their complaints and several have threatened class action lawsuits. Mr. Wooding rebutted the findings of civil engineers that vast plumes possibly as far ranging as 22 miles of Ms. Wooding may be hidden under the foundations of the house. “My wife Gail is entirely on the surface of the kitchen,” stated Mr. Wooding. “There are no hidden plumes or reservoirs of her anywhere. I would be the first to inform you if there were.” Mr. Wooding believes the rapid use of dispersants as well as the efforts of Peeves the Dog have reduced the buoyancy of Ms. Wooding and prevented his wife’s further spread.

“We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives,” Said an emotionally exhausted Mr. Wooding. “But there’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my wife back.”



C. Sanchez-Garcia



Friday, August 15, 2014

TBW

(To Be Written)

by Jean Roberta

I like writing in various genres. Like Annabeth, I'm squeamish about talking about a work-in-progress, or something I seriously plan to write in the near future, so I won't describe the book I discussed recently with a local publisher. The more distant future is a different case. I think it's useful to have a set of possibilities on paper.

For years, the Phantom Book (series of articles?) in the back of my mind was the true story of how I was treated by my family and the “mental health" profession after I tried to commit suicide after being raped at age nineteen in my dorm room in a Canadian university in 1971. (For the record, I had had consensual sex with the guy before. On the day of the event, I agreed to go to the cafeteria with him for coffee and a conversation about our relationship. I didn’t invite him to my room.)

The first male psychiatrist to whom I was assigned (as far as I knew, I had no choice) told me I had not experienced "real rape." A psychiatrist in my home town diagnosed me as a “borderline schizophrenic.” I was told that I was rebelling against my parents because of being the youngest child in my family (I was actually the oldest, and this hasn't changed). Apparently my parents were told I was on drugs. (That must have been some good stuff – I wasn’t even aware of having taken/smoked/injected any such thing.)

At this point in my life, I don’t think I will write that book. I still have relatives who would strenuously discount everything I have to say on grounds that I have always been mentally ill. They would point out that no one was ever legally charged with raping me, which presumably proves that it didn’t happen. I don’t know how my relatives could affirm that I was acting out because of youngest-child syndrome; they might just insist that I caused a lot of trouble for my good parents.

The people I would have liked to sue for professional misconduct at the time must be retired by now, and some are probably dead, as are both my parents. I have nothing to gain by writing the book except the satisfaction of seeing my truth on paper, and that might be outweighed by the drama that would result.

Luckily, I have other writing projects in mind. I know I won’t have time to tackle all of them until I retire from teaching, and maybe not even then. I also don’t know if any of the books on the following list would be publishable, but writing them would certainly give me something to do. Note that this isn’t a complete list.

Novel #1

Here is a rough synopsis of a dream that I would like to turn into the first chapter of an erotic novel.

I (female narrator) came to earth from another planet or alternative dimension in which human females function much like other mammals: we go into heat on a regular basis, and no one blames us for that. Applying ugly labels to females in heat would be like blaming them for eating food. (And who does that?) We form relationships (one-to-one or multiple), and relationship-sex usually feels different from heat-sex, but everyone on my planet knows that women occasionally need to have it with whoever is handy.

I know that human females in this world are assumed to be much different from me; in fact, some are brought up to believe that any sexual feelings they might have are a personal problem. Luckily for me, some humans understand how my tribe functions.

I’ve gone to a job interview, suitably dressed for an office job. Unfortunately, I’m in heat. The more I try to ignore or suppress it, the hornier I feel. After squirming in a chair in the waiting area for awhile, I am shown into the office of the head of Human Resources. He is a man in a suit who sounds Canadian but looks more-or-less African. He knows what it feels like to be outside the cultural mainstream, and he clearly prides himself on his knowledge of cultures outside his own. He can see at once that I am likely to be distracted during our interview if I don’t get some relief first.

Mr. Suit asks, “Is there anything I can do for you?” This is the traditional phrase used by my tribespeople to offer sex to a female in heat.

I say something like, “Oh goddess, yes.” I tear off my clothes while Mr. Suit does the same. He has a sofa in the corner, and he has a supply of condoms in a file cabinet. He lies on me, but he is not too heavy, and I’m grateful that he doesn’t tease me too long before sliding his very erect cock into me. Apparently my condition triggered an instant response in him.

Neither of us has all day to spend on this activity, so as soon as we have each come once, we put our clothes back on. He returns to his desk, and I return to the visitor’s chair in front of it. We proceed to discuss the job description and my qualifications. He promises to let me know the outcome, one way or another.

I have been volunteering at the local women’s centre which runs the sexual assault line. I find the idea of sexual assault (especially when males assault females) to be incredibly gross, partly because it makes no sense. I go into the centre on my usual day, about a week after my job interview. The co-ordinator of the volunteers asks how my day is going, and I say, “disappointing. I just learned that I didn’t get the job.”

Co-ordinator asks what I applied for, and where, so I describe the job interview. She is appalled that I was “sexually abused” by a man who seems to do this regularly to vulnerable job applicants. I point out that I was in heat. She interprets this to mean I was so desperate for the job that I would consent to anything. She advises me to contact the local Labour Standards Board to complain that Mr. Suit violated several rules of the game by coercing me into sex by promising me a job and then breaking his promise.

I am aghast. I tell Co-ordinator that making accommodations for people who are different from oneself is the height of professional behaviour, and I certainly wouldn’t want Mr. Suit to be removed from his job. In my experience, there are too few like him. I explain that one of the other job applicants must have had more impressive qualifications than mine -- and this is not a double-entendre.

Co-ordinator tells me that I need to raise my self-esteem and learn to assert myself. She points out that I have to stop worrying about being accused of racism every time I refuse inappropriate sexual advances from a “person of colour.”

If I hadn’t lived in this world as long as I have, I would have no clue what Co-ordinator is advising me to do, or why.

I really want to educate her. She really wants to educate me. We both want this to happen as soon as possible, for the good of the other person. I realize that she will never understand me until or unless she experiences heat herself. Can I help her with that? I need to try.

Novel #2

This would be a historical novel about an American heiress of the nineteenth century who was (and still is) widely considered “eccentric,” if not batshit crazy. I think she needs an advocate, or at least a reconsideration.

Sarah Pardee Winchester (1837-1922) was married to William Wirt Winchester, heir of the Winchester Repeating Arms Company, founded by his father, Oliver Winchester. The “Winchester” was said to be the gun that “won” the West. As a rifle (a long-barrelled gun with spiralling grooves inside the barrel), it had a more accurate aim than those of the muskets of old. As a repeating rifle, it could fire more bullets in a short time than previous firearms.

In short, the “Winchester” was probably the deadliest hand-held weapon of its time.

Sarah had a baby girl who died within weeks. She was grief-stricken, and didn’t conceive any more children. Oliver, her father-in-law, died in 1880, followed by her husband, W.W., in 1881. This left Sarah with a fifty-percent share in a very lucrative company. She suddenly became one of the richest women of her time. And possibly the loneliest.

In 1884, Sarah moved from the industrial East to the area of what is now San Jose, California, bought a farmhouse on an acreage, and hired workmen to renovate it. According to legend, she believed that if work on her house ever stopped, she would die. Eventually, the house came to have 160 rooms, staircases that lead nowhere, and doors that open onto walls.


Sarah is said to have been too influenced by late nineteenth-century spiritualism, and a belief that the money she inherited was cursed by the spirits of all the people who were killed by Winchester rifles. Supposedly, her house was intended to be a maze to outwit the angry ghosts.

Would you feel like a member of the deserving rich if you suddenly inherited a fortune that was raised by the sale of a very efficient killing device? I wouldn’t.

The Winchester House has been a tourist attraction for years, but as far as I know, no one has written a novel about the mistress of the house. It seems overdue.

Reference Book #1

There are serious reference books on several sexual topics. (See Martha Cornog’s book on masturbation, listed here.)

www.amazon.com/The-Big-Book-Masturbation-Angst/dp/0940208296

I have a file of notes for a book on the history of anal sex, which was illegal in several European countries for centuries. (This is one of the “crimes” of the Marquis de Sade in revolutionary France – whether it was consensual or not is less clear.) “Sodomy” (from the biblical city of Sodom) has been used to refer to a spectrum of sex acts considered immoral and “unnatural” – so why is it more often understood to mean anal sex rather than, say, oral sex?

During the “burning times” or the “witch craze” (approximately 1480-1700), accused “witches” were said to be required to kiss the Devil, their Master, on his dirty bum, presumably under his tail. Was this “kiss of infamy” a euphemistic reference to something else?


Was anal sex outlawed because: 1) it can’t result in the conception of a baby, and can therefore be seen as a way to outwit “God’s plan” to overpopulate the earth? Or because: 2) it is the only form of penetration possible between two men? Or both? The term “bugger” is a corruption of “Bulgar” because Bulgarians were assumed (by non-Bulgarians) to be especially fond of this activity. Is there any historical basis for this assumption? If I would like to learn the answers, I'm sure other people would too.

Reference Book #2

When my daughter Liz was a baby, I thought of compiling a Book of Elizabeth, including brief biographies of all the famous women I could find who had that name. I still think this would be an interesting research project, with a ready-made audience: all currently-living Elizabeths, and their friends and relatives. The current Queen of England is an obvious example, along with her predecessor, Elizabeth I, as well as the late Elizabeth Taylor, but did you know that “Mother Goose” is claimed by some to have been an actual woman, Elizabeth Foster Goose (1665-1758) of Boston, Massachusetts? (Actually, this claim is doubtful. References to “Mother Goose” stories and rhymes for children occur as early as 1590, and several French writers wrote “contes de la Mere l’Oie” in the 1600s.) Elizabeth Fry (1780-1845), Quaker reformer of the horrendous English prison system of her time, and Lizzie Borden (1860-1927, American woman acquitted of killing her father and stepmother with an axe, but widely believed to have been guilty), are easier to trace. The list could get very long, especially if it includes imaginary and generic characters. ("Outside, Eliza!" was a term used in the Victorian age to get rowdy women out of pubs.)

Fixer-Uppers

I have several stories and a novel (Prairie Gothic, written in 1998, available as an e-book from Amatory Ink from 2002 to 2006, when the publisher folded) that need some revision and updating.

The fall semester at the university where I teach is approaching like a speeding truck. If I seriously want to tackle at least one thing in my TBW pile, I probably need a sabbatical and a set of deadlines.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

I'm Not Telling

by Annabeth Leong

I always dodge when people ask me what books I want to write. I even dodge when people ask what I'm currently working on. It's not that I don't have ideas—I've got a file of snippets, beginnings of things, and even more detailed maps and outlines. And of course I'm always working on something.

But these are my rules. I never publicly discuss any work that's not under contract. Even privately, I never discuss any work that's not at least halfway finished. Most of the time, I won't even tell my partner what I'm working on. The only reason I make private exceptions is that it's sometimes useful to talk it out when I'm stuck on something. When I was working on Untouched, I had frequent discussions with one trusted friend. He helped me work out plot and pacing issues, and I'll be forever grateful.

Some of this is superstition. I believe on some level that if I talk about something I want to write, I'm cursing it. I'm pretty sure I have never finished a book that I talked about beforehand. A few years ago, I blogged about a book I was working on based on the story of Persephone. I was really excited about it, and I'd gone through the whole process of outlining (which for me is quite extensive). I thought I was committed to seeing the project through.

Not so. I've got three long attempts in my files. The story just wouldn't work, and I couldn't stick with it, and I felt humiliated because I'd said I was going to do it.

That brings me to another reason I don't talk about works that don't yet exist. Talking about my work publicly, even in the wish phase, makes me feel boxed in and constrained in a way that I don't like. I'm a very productive, prolific writer, but part of what I think fuels that is that I feel free to make abrupt changes. I take things that are supposed to be books and turn them into short stories. I turn short stories into novels. I write 30,000 words, abandon them, write a different book instead, and then go back to those 30,000 words. I change straight pairings into lesbian pairings and back. I weave disparate works together and rework them into one thing.

My writing process is nonlinear that way and it breaks a lot of supposed rules (especially the one about staying faithful to a particular manuscript until it's done—I'd be nowhere if I tried to force myself into that sort of fidelity). I don't like feeling as if I've created an expectation that I'm about to produce anything in particular.

I'm not generally a fan of Stephen King's writing advice (I use adverbs just to spite him, and I revise my work while the printer ink is still steaming hot). I think he's the one, though, who first gave me the idea that I shouldn't talk about work I hadn't written yet. If that idea does come from him, I'll still swear by that one.

King (I think) explained that by telling the story to someone, you prematurely gain the satisfaction of having written it. You get the pleased reaction, the oohs and ahs of excitement, and all that stuff screws you up if you actually then go and try to write it. The thing feels dead, and if something that person got excited about doesn't turn out to work, you don't know what to do. You're not alone with the work anymore—there's someone else in the room.

There's another reason I don't talk about the books I want to write. There are ideas and then there is true, naked want. Getting to that second thing is a process for me, and I don't have access to it off the top of my head.

When Joe from Sweetmeats Press asked me to write a novel for him, he asked me what was near to my heart, what I really wanted to write. My nature is that I always have a lot of things flying around—I have a lot of ideas about everything, and I get excited easily. What I really want is a harder question. It takes work for me to silence myself enough to discover it.

I took a day to sit and plan and freewrite. I love Joe, and I love the work he draws out of me, and I wanted to answer him as best I could. It took me the whole day to get to the seed of Untouched, and it didn't involve looking in my idea file at all.

It wasn't until a good six months into the project that I began to understand why I really wanted to write that book, what there was about Untouched and its characters that I needed to express. When I did, it tore my real life apart for a while. I've said before that my creativity is way out ahead of me as far as self-awareness goes, and that was very much true in this case. I found myself reevaluating many, many things that I thought I knew about who I am as a sexual being.

Because of that, Untouched was an unusually difficult book for me to write—it went much deeper into raw territory than I usually allow myself to go. I like to work a little in the past, with realizations I've already become comfortable with. To finish Untouched, I had to grow as a person and as a writer. The book was a bit beyond my wisdom and my capabilities.

This is not to say that my other work isn't meaningful, or that I make a habit of dashing things off. But I like a little distance between myself and my work—it's easier to work with things I've got perspective on, and it's easier to work when I'm not bleeding from a major artery. I prefer to mix a judicious amount of blood and soul into my ink, not just spew. I'm reserved that way.

Untouched will be out next month, so I've dodged by talking about a novel I already did write. All this to say, though, that the next time someone asks me what's near to my heart, what I really want to write, I'm going to understand that they are also on some level asking what is raw and fresh and dirty and painful and so ecstatic I can't bear it. I'm going to think twice before I answer.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I’d Really Like to Write


A memoir.

Yes, I know how trite that sounds. Every Tom, Dick and Daddy thinks his own life is bio-worthy. Certain things we’ve done may feel singular, unique to our own life experience, but that’s not always the case. More essential is how well the story is written.

For instance, when I watch the TV show “Biography,” it’s not always the subject who breathes life into the story,  but the engaging description of that life. A good script transforms common experiences into rare and interesting occurrences. I often wonder if I could pull it off.

Some years ago, I started jotting down memories of the years I worked three different jobs on San Francisco’s Kearny Street. Someday these random thoughts may congeal as a coherent work, despite how incoherent I was at back then.

It starts on…


Kearny Street
(“Kerny,” not “Carney,” or “Keerny.”)

Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the guilty, and those who may still be dangerous.

Kearny isn’t very long, not as San Francisco thoroughfares go. Not unless you tack on the miles of Third Street that provide Kearny’s south of Market origins—in which case it may be the longest.  One would need to start at Third’s humble beginnings down at the southern end of the city, towards Candlestick Park, but that’s another story. Even there, it’s a borderline street.  

West of Third you’ll find trucks loaded with metal and plastics. There sprawl the warehouses, the welders, the fabricators and the body shops near their attending junkyards.  Tough, hard business, tackled either with efficiency or by trial and expensive error.  To the east, even tougher Bayview and Hunter’s Point, sinister places inhospitable to strangers, as well as those who have to live there.

But we’re  looking at the other end, the downtown mile from Market Street, where Third becomes Kearny, right to where it hits Columbus and takes a bounce straight up the hill through North Beach. When I first hit San Francisco in the late 60s, the Transamerica Pyramid was still a dream waiting to punctuate SF’s skyline with its upside down exclamation point. The accordion-like Bank of America was just being built. There were people living at the infamous International Hotel who weren’t yet considered squatters.

Standing at Kearny’s six point intersection, the corner of Columbus, Pacific and Kearny… The stink of sweet fried grease envelops me as I loiter in front of the donut shop.

 The view down one-way Kearny is an active, moving palette, not quite bustling but always in flux. Always moving. A hurried river of traffic pours toward me, not braking at all for the soft right-of-way left at Columbus, heading toward the Golden gate Bridge. In the middle of the block, an ancient Chinese man zens his inscrutable way across the wide channel. Wispy grey mustaches float suspended in the strong breeze. He pays no attention to the speeding cars approaching him, honking their horns. Masses of shiny metal yelp to a nose-diving halt mere inches from his frailty.  The stooped figure reaches the other side of the street for possibly the millionth time in his life without once altering his momentum or acknowledging the drivers’ anger. 

That green patinated copper clad Victorian over there? That’s American Zoetrope, right across Kearny. Francis Coppola’s offices. You’ll see Smokey Wong’s Pagoda gas station a half block down. I paid ten bucks a month to park there in the late seventies when I worked as chef at the Albatross Saloon, right where I’m standing, right where it all comes together. At the time, Coppola was in production for “Apocalypse Now”.  Everybody from the crew hung out at the Albatross when in town. 

There was a basement club across the street from Smokey’s where a guy could sit at a bar and buy watered down tea for young Philippina girls. Most of  them didn’t speak English.  They just nodded and said “yes”.

Slowly turning a three-sixty, you’d see the Transamerica Pyramid looming at the end of Columbus, awaiting a countdown to launch itself to the stars; Nestled at its base, Clown Alley, the gaudy burger joint. And that’s a half block past the Purple Onion where stars-to-be from Lenny Bruce and Jack Kerouac to the Smothers Brothers and Steve Martin all had beginnings that took them from OD’s and alcoholism to the hippest of American pop.

If you were there at the right time, you might catch a glimpse of Sammy Low, a huge, eighty-or-so year old heroin ‘ounce man’, dressed all in black, from sunglasses and hat to wingtip shoes. All the junkies hated Sammy because he refused to sell five-dollar bags. Maybe that’s why he lasted on the street for so many years.

In the middle of that block on the left is Mario’s barber shop, where I could get a line of coke with my haircut, instead of the lollipops he kept for kids.

Mario would talk your ear off if there wasn’t a young chippie hanging around to cop his own lollipop in the back room. Or in the tricked out purple van he kept out front. The young age and…let’s call it exuberance of some of his girlfriends made me concerned about even being in the shop with them. Often I would go for a haircut (and a line or two… got lots of haircuts those days. I doubt he made money on me) then have to go back to work unshorn. A plastic clock face in his window stating he’d be back an hour ago, indistinct noises emanating from his shaky van.  
The Lusty Lady lies just up Kearny. Last of the old-fashioned peep shows. I think you can still pump tokens into a machine with one hand while naked girls dance and talk to you through an open window. If you stop pumping tokens, a shade closes, but I understand that if your other hand isn’t also pumping, the girls will think you’re a nark and they’ll be without… Verve? …The down side is that the booths are so small it’s hard to avoid touching the walls.

Skinny junkies and ragged street people lurch between tourists, financial district types, secretaries, and us. Speed freak eyes, frozen in the donut shop window, look as glazed as the sugar-fried carbs their toothless gums mash into something vaguely digestible. “Peggy’s Used Furs and Leathers” twenty feet up the hill to my left, fried grease with sugar on top to my rear, the Albatross between, right at the tip of it all.

My second day in SF, somebody took me to Peggy’s, telling me it was one of the places I just “had to know.”  Peggy and her old man made sure the hippies of the Haight were clothed, warm hosts for San Francisco’s parasites for many years.  Some called it “Peggy Flea’s.”

Looking north on Columbus, the after hours coffee house, Tosca, and the alley leading to Speck’s (another venerable but well-hidden saloon) would be visible across from Henri Lenoir’s Vesuvio Bar and Ferlinghetti’s City Lights Books.
                                 
Henri, well into his seventies when I knew him, was the last of the guys able to pull off wearing a beret, according to columnist Herb Caen.  Always the charmer, Henri was never without a pretty girl on his arm. I remember one babe I had to ID on her first visit to the Albatross. …Sophia. … I called her Sophia so-fine-a.

Further up Columbus, you’ll spot Carol Doda’s huge neon sign of perpetually blinking nipples, as well as Big Al’s, both at the corner of Broadway.

Closer in across Pacific is Mr. Lung’s,  if you just wanted to get drunk. No frills. I’d see Lung hauling in cases of liquor early in the morning. He’d unload them from the trunk of his car so the revenue people wouldn’t have a record of what was coming in the back door. I’m sure he bought just enough from the distributor to keep from under the long nose of the law.

                                                          

So that’s the start. The Albatross was the last of my three jobs on Kearny. My idea is to take this conversation on a walk down the street, starting with anecdotes about the Albatross, then heading towards Market and ten years into the past, commenting on the street and experiences I happened upon along the way.