Monday, September 27, 2010

Porn Sex Ed


I think I’ve mentioned before that in high school, I often went to the Skyporn, a drive-in porn theater, with a group of friends. We took lawn chairs, a camp stove, hot dogs, marshmallows, beer, and Southern Comfort, and spent our summer evenings watching twenty-foot long cocks lunge across the screen. Since most of the speakers at the Skyporn were busted, we provided our own dialog ala Mystery Science Theater 3000.

We were also big Rocky Horror fans. The nearest midnight showing was in a porn theater miles away. Sometimes, we showed up early and sat through the regular features (in costume).  I never really thought twice about how many porn flicks we watched together until a new kid moved into base housing and we invited him to hang out with us. After the second week, he said, “Do you guys ever go see movies that aren’t X-rated?” There was a very long pause before I volunteered that I’d seen A Clockwork Orange the week before he moved in. He rolled his eyes. After that, we made an effort to go to movies that wouldn’t offend his delicate sensibilities – like Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Heavy Metal, and Friday the 13th – but we didn’t give up our porn habit either. (He always went along.)

The funny thing about this is that while I passionately defend porn and especially women’s right to view it, I rarely watch it anymore, because even when the cocks were twenty feet long, I wasn’t visual enough to get turned on. Hell, even in high school, when the person sitting next to me had my nerves trying to leap out of my skin to get to them, I watched porn as a social event/ info gathering expedition/ comedy workshop. That doesn’t mean that those evenings were wasted. I learned a lot from watching porn.

This should be a top 10 list, but I could only think of 8:

#8 – It’s cool when a girl says, “I like that,” or “More,” and gets involved instead of just lying there. Anyone worth fucking don’t mind being told what she likes.

#7 – Rolling a condom down a hard-on can be sexy as hell.

#6 –I found out what a vulva looks like, and that they’re all different. Hey – guys can easily see their dicks. For girls, it either involves advanced yoga skills or a hand mirror and contortion.

#5 - All that girls get to learn about in sex ed is their procreation plumbing. Even our breasts are relegated to baby duty, and guys as well as girls are admonished for thinking of them as anything else. Porn teaches women that their bodies can be a source of pleasure for them, and their partners. 

#4 – Anyone worth fucking will go down on you, especially if they expect you to do it for them.

#3 – Anyone worth fucking wants to help you reach orgasm.

#2 – Sex doesn’t stop when the guy comes. It isn’t all about him getting his.

In the long ago mists of time, I had a brief fling with ‘the totally inappropriate but too hot to pass up guy.’ After an energetic romp in his bed, I turned onto my stomach, propped up on my elbows, and chatted about our upcoming chemistry lab. He got this look of wonder on his face that I’ll never forget. He brushed my bangs out of my eyes and said, “Wow. You’re just, like, here - naked, and talking and smiling.” He was more in awe of that than the actual sex. I didn’t learn how to be a lover versus just a fuck directly from the movies I’d seen, but I doubt I would have been as relaxed and comfortable after our nooner if porn hadn’t taught me lesson #1 – the best sex is when the girl is having fun.

15 comments:

  1. Great write, Kathleen. Thank you for standing up for porn. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but you are right...it can teach a woman a lot about sex-- even if it's what NOT to do. You just have to learn what to take away with you.

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  2. Excellent essay, and I love how rooted it is in your personal experiences. And that “You’re just, like, here - naked, and talking and smiling” reminiscence is a beautiful slice of cinéma vérité.

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  3. Kristie -
    I can't stand chewing gum, but I don't care if other people have it, love it, or do nasty things with it. (unless I step in it) I wish other people would take the same attitude toward sex.

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  4. Jeremy - I can't remember his name or much about him, but that moment is set in stone in my memory. It's the first time I really "got" how guys think in bed.

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  5. Hi Kathlen

    I don;t have much to say except that this is very instructional and I like it a lot.

    Good post.

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  6. Hey, Kathleen,

    "The best sex is when the girl is having fun..."! Fabulous line. Belongs on a T shirt. Stretched across a set of ample breasts!

    I loved your post, but I'm kind of amazed that you could get in to porn flicks when you were in high school. And that you could be so casual about it, also. Thinking back to what I was like in high school - watching porn would have had me tied up in knots (figuratively speaking).

    Warmly,
    Lisabet

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  7. Lisabet - I guess context would help. We lived in a military town, which means strip clubs and porn and drugs were everywhere. The people I hung out with were all military kids. Some of them had never lived in the United States until their senior year of high school. They were used to being able to drink, go to dance clubs, jump on a train to France for the weekend... When suddenly their parents panicked and realized that they had raised a European, not an American, so they yanked these fairly sophisticated and independent kids out by their roots and shoved them into middle America where they were treated like infants. My friends were livid. They loathed being ripped from their real homes. Quite frankly, they thought America was the pits. So of course they did everything they could to push buttons.

    And I was always a bit odd, so the porn didn't faze me one bit.

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  8. What a lovely list, Kathleen. I especially love #7 and wish contemporary porn would include condom use, including what you detailed, more frequently (virtually always, actually).

    Thank you for sharing this!

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  9. Great post and #6, yeah. Guys just don't get that, but it's so true!

    I had the friendly porn nights later on, after the advent of the BetaMax! We used to fast forward the shower scene in Debbie Does Dallas because it was completely hilarious. Somehow those evenings were always me and a bunch of guys. Some things never change...

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  10. Emerald - condom use didn't happen often, but when it did, I don't know, it just got my attention. And yes, I wish they'd include it (in a sexy way, of course)

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  11. Diane - yep. watching with the guys. I wonder if they ever felt self-conscious.

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  12. Hi Kathleen,

    I'm unforgivably late responding to posts this week. I just wanted to say that the only point I'd argue with is #2. I'm pretty sure it all stops when the guy is satisfied. Don't tell me I'm doing this wrong ;-)

    Best,

    Ash

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  13. Lol, 'self-conscious' :) That's very delicate code!

    This is a lovely post. I don't thnk modern porn is as friendly as it should be. Like Dara O Brian, and Irish comedian said, it's people who don't even seem to like each other having angry sex. This must change, a return to your youthful porntopia!

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