Porn Sex Ed

I think I’ve mentioned before that in high school, I often went to the Skyporn, a drive-in porn theater, with a group of friends. We took lawn chairs, a camp stove, hot dogs, marshmallows, beer, and Southern Comfort, and spent our summer evenings watching twenty-foot long cocks lunge across the screen. Since most of the speakers at the Skyporn were busted, we provided our own dialog ala Mystery Science Theater 3000.

We were also big Rocky Horror fans. The nearest midnight showing was in a porn theater miles away. Sometimes, we showed up early and sat through the regular features (in costume).  I never really thought twice about how many porn flicks we watched together until a new kid moved into base housing and we invited him to hang out with us. After the second week, he said, “Do you guys ever go see movies that aren’t X-rated?” There was a very long pause before I volunteered that I’d seen A Clockwork Orange the week before he moved in. He rolled his eyes. After that, we made an effort to go to movies that wouldn’t offend his delicate sensibilities – like Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Heavy Metal, and Friday the 13^th – but we didn’t give up our porn habit either. (He always went along.)

The funny thing about this is that while I passionately defend porn and especially women’s right to view it, I rarely watch it anymore, because even when the cocks were twenty feet long, I wasn’t visual enough to get turned on. Hell, even in high school, when the person sitting next to me had my nerves trying to leap out of my skin to get to them, I watched porn as a social event/ info gathering expedition/ comedy workshop. That doesn’t mean that those evenings were wasted. I learned a lot from watching porn.

This should be a top 10 list, but I could only think of 8:

#8 – It’s cool when a girl says, “I like that,” or “More,” and gets involved instead of just lying there. Anyone worth fucking don’t mind being told what she likes.

#7 – Rolling a condom down a hard-on can be sexy as hell.

#6 –I found out what a vulva looks like, and that they’re all different. Hey – guys can easily see their dicks. For girls, it either involves advanced yoga skills or a hand mirror and contortion.

#5 - All that girls get to learn about in sex ed is their procreation plumbing. Even our breasts are relegated to baby duty, and guys as well as girls are admonished for thinking of them as anything else. Porn teaches women that their bodies can be a source of pleasure for them, and their partners. 

#4 – Anyone worth fucking will go down on you, especially if they expect you to do it for them.

#3 – Anyone worth fucking wants to help you reach orgasm.

#2 – Sex doesn’t stop when the guy comes. It isn’t all about him getting his.

In the long ago mists of time, I had a brief fling with ‘the totally inappropriate but too hot to pass up guy.’ After an energetic romp in his bed, I turned onto my stomach, propped up on my elbows, and chatted about our upcoming chemistry lab. He got this look of wonder on his face that I’ll never forget. He brushed my bangs out of my eyes and said, “Wow. You’re just, like, here - naked, and talking and smiling.” He was more in awe of that than the actual sex. I didn’t learn how to be a lover versus just a fuck directly from the movies I’d seen, but I doubt I would have been as relaxed and comfortable after our nooner if porn hadn’t taught me lesson #1 – the best sex is when the girl is having fun.