Ba Bup!

Warm.

Warm I float.

Soft.

Soft I touch.

I am. Safe.

Peace I am. Names I need. Where are they kept from me? Safe. Safe I am, with ba-bup. All around me and above me, warm and always with me is ba-bup. I am surrounded and soft, and I press my leg into the warm and the soft and it presses me back. Hot feet I have, touching. Warm and soft, pressing me back. I stretch my arm and my fingers move through warm and touch the soft which touches me back. I hear. The soft I hear. Above me. All around me, never leaving me ever, sweet I love –

Ba-bup. Ba-bup. Ba-bup. Ba-bup. Ba-bup.

I love ba-bup. Inside me, in the middle of me, tiny, I feel I hear so small my own ba-bup speaking back. We sing we two. Ba-bup. Ba-bup.

Beyond the soft pressing me back are other sounds, like bubbles I can’t understand. Names I need. Sounds.

“Ow! He’s kicking. I felt it just now. Put your hand there, quick.”


Ba-bup. I press the soft. Ba-bup. Ba-bup. Ba-bup. I put out my foot against the soft and the sounds come again.

“I felt it! Little man.”

“He’ll be a football nut like his dad.”

“Love you. Everyone’s downstairs watching the game. We can do this.”

Ba-bup. Ba-bup. Ba-bup. Ba-bup. Ba-bup. Ba-bup.

Moving. Rocking which makes me sleepy. I like to sleep. I see things when I sleep. Something long ago. When I sleep I see myself, as I was, and I am big, strong and there is light. Things I used to know names for long before the warm and the soft came. And then I wake.

“Lock the door.”

“Think they’ll mind?”

“They’re downstairs.”

“I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this, not when you’re like this.”

“It’s okay. Hurry. I’m just so glad they let you back for Christmas. I want to show you what the Titty Fairy brought us. Close your eyes.”

“Okay, they’re closed. Unwrap my gift – is it unwrapped?”

“You can open your eyes.”

“Oh fuck me, look at you. Oh my god, can you keep those like that? I mean like forever?”

“Lock the door. Come on. Climb on board, honey, quick, quickie. Quick.”


Moving, moving. Feels good so that I open my mouth to laugh and the heavy and the warm is all in my mouth.


“Let me get you on the edge of the bed, so I’m not on top of your belly. Yeah, that’s the spot. Wait . . . here . . . here it is . . . oh my god. I’ve been waiting for this forever. Oh man.”

Moving moving. Sleepy. Rocking. The warm and the soft is pressing me down, rocking rocking me. And then as I’m about to sleep and the strange things I should know start to appear – I hear ba-bup. Calling me back from what was.

Ba-bup. Ba-bup! Ba-bup! Ba-BUP! Ba-BUP! Ba-BUP!

“Oh fuck. You sexy fucking cunt. I love you, you sexy bitch.”

“Don’t yell.”

“Oh Jesus Christ, Jesus, you sexy cunt, oh my god. You cunt! I just . . .I just . . I just got to – oh Jesus God.”

“Shh! Don’t yell. Shh!”

BABUPBABUPBABUPBABUP!BABUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!

“I gotta fuck you so bad!”

“Shh, I know, I know.”

“You cunt . . . . I’m gonna. . . oh sweet Jesus, that’s so good.”

“Hurry honey. Hah! Hurry. Ahh! Like that. Just come. Just come.”

BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!

All sweetness, all around me. The ba-bup is happy and it makes me happy too. Its fun, the rocking and moving and ba-bup is laughing and ba-bup is happy and I want to laugh too. How? I used to know once, what this is. Before. Before the warm, I knew once the names of things.

BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!

“Fucking sexy cunt – I love you!”

“Shhh! Keep it down.”

Like bubbles, bubbles I feel against my skin, and I want to put out my hot feet and touch the soft but I can’t. I want to hold out my hand but I am pressed down and the warm is close and the warm is all happiness and I am happy too because the warm is so very, very happy.

BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!

“Aw shit . . .aw god . . . I gotta . . . I just . .. “

“Let it happen. Come for me, honey. Just let it pop.”

“Aw fuck . . . ah! No, no, ahh fuck . . . nuh! Oh Jesus Christ. Oh Jesus Christ. I just . . . I’m sorry. You come too.”

“Did you?”

“Fuck yeah. I love you. You’re so good to me. Why are you so fucking good to me?”

“Oh, honey. Come here, hold me. Love you too.”

BUP!BUP!BUP!BUP!Ba-BUP! Ba-BUP! Ba-BUP . . . ba bup . . .

“Let me stay inside. You come too.”

“No time. Pass that Kleenex box. Come on, hurry hurry. Kleenex.”

“I want you to come too.”

“Not now. At home. Not here.”

“Sure?”

“Pass me the stupid Kleenex you bozo, your stuff’s dribbling out of me on their sheet. Hurry.”

“Here.”

“Here – you too, take some, look its hanging off you like snot, you’re going to drip your stuff on their rug.”

“I love fucking you. I just love fucking you. I’m crazy for you. You’re going to have so many babies.”

Ba-bup ba-bup ba-bup ba-bup

“Your little horns fell off on the floor somewhere.”

“Those are antlers. Those are reindeer antlers.”

“I think you’re a little drunk, Joe.”

“Hell, I’m not. I can kick anybody’s ass in Afghanistan.”

“You’re pussy drunk,”

“That’s true. You did that. You make my balls ache. I think they’re busted.”

“You just needed it bad. You been away too long. Welcome home, soldier.”

“Hey. You too. Merry Christmas.”

Ba-bup ba-bup ba-bup ba-bup

“Downstairs. Downstairs, cowboy, quick like a bunny.”

“Found my horns. They’re all squashed.”


Ba-bup ba-bup ba-bup ba-bup

In the warm. Moving, all around, bumping against the soft, sounds again, like strings of bubbles. The warm and the soft, they’re so happy and it makes me happy.

What is the moving? Will ba-bup ever go away and I’ll be alone? I’m scared. I want ba-bup to stay with me forever. What are the names of things? Stay! Ba-bup! Don’t ever go, what are the names of things? How can they stay? I want to know! What is beyond the soft and the warm? I want to know! Now!

Ba-bup ba-bup ba-bup ba-bup

Ba-bup ba-bup ba-bup ba-bup

“Oh fuck.”

“Mary? Oh my god. Oh my god.”

“I can’t believe I just did that. I’m sorry.”

The tall red headed woman by the sink puts down her can of beer and leans over the butcher block counter, looking down at the bare feet of a woman, who is standing bow legged in a soupy glistening pool spreading now on the kitchen floor.

“Call Dr. Rand, Laura. It’s happening. Tell him we’ll meet him at North Memorial.”

“Wait.” The red headed woman pushes the kitchen door and sticks her head through. “Joe? Get in here.”

On the other side of the door the TV crowd roars. “They’re on the fourth down. Wait for the commercial.”

“Joseph, you get your ass in here, now.”

A young man with plush antlers fastened on his head pushes open the door. “What’s your pr – oh my god.”

The woman in soaked blue jeans grins up at him sheepishly. “Its time.”

“Was it cause we –“ he points a finger up at the ceiling.

“Shh! No, shut up.”

The red headed woman shrieks with laughter and covers her ears. “Too much information!”

The standing bow legged woman tries to move her feet carefully. “Yeah, no. It’s not that, no. It’s just his time, is all. He’s coming.”

She looks up at the young man with the antlers on his head and smiles radiantly. “Merry Christmas, baby.”