Thursday, March 31, 2011

Slipping Over The Line

This isn't the post I'd planned to write when I proposed “Taboo Or Not Taboo” as this week's topic.


I'd intended to attempt a light-hearted piece, accompanied by some provocative graphics, that discussed whether erotica needed to be inherently transgressive or whether we betray ourselves and our readers when we seek to make the violation of the sacrosanct arousing.


OK, when I say it like that it doesn't sound light-hearted but I'd like to think that I'd have made it work.


Instead I find that I have quite a different message. Perhaps even the message that my subconscious was trying to send to me when I selected the topic. It is time for me to stop being Mike Kimera.


Taboo is derived from a Polynesian word meaning both sacred and forbidden. Taboos are are meant to be markers, lines we should not cross, that honour the sacred and protect us from following instincts that will diminish our humanity.


I am not by nature a rule follower. I am one of those who feels no need to respect the marks others have made when they label this or that behaviours as taboo. Sometimes I descend into a petty, “I'll do it just to show they can't stop me” kind of attitude.


Yet there are some things that you should not do, especially if no one has the power to stop you.


Today I realized that I have crossed a line that I should not have crossed and in doing so I have lost something precious to me.


I stopped writing a while back because there was too much emotional turmoil in my life and because I wanted to put my wife back in the centre of my world. I stopped for two years. Then I started again.


I've learnt that I need to write. I told myself that by writing again I was doing no harm, that in fact I might be doing myself some good by getting my emotions on the page.


I see now that it isn't writing that's the problem; it's being Mike Kimera.


Mike Kimera is a name I hide behind. Mike Kimera pushes my imagination towards things that I will not admit to in public and which I do not incorporate in my own life. Mike Kimera is someone my wife doesn't love.


The more time I spend as Mike Kimera, the less time I spend living my real life.


On the whole, I like Mike Kimera. That's part of the problem. I've grown used to having him around, I'm proud of at least some of the stories that he's written. I'm flattered and pleased that people read his stories and write to him.


It is the nature of taboo things to be attractive; if they held no attraction they wouldn't need to be protected or forbidden.


I see now that, to be the person I want to be in my real life, to live with authenticity, I must stop mentally sneaking away to be someone else. I should spend that energy in my marriage.


Mike Kimera is a man who sounds like he always knows the answers. I am a man struggling to understand how I came to be where I am: unhappy with myself and unable fully to express the love that I feel for my wife.


I have decided that I will carry on writing, but not as Mike Kimera and not writing erotica. I will write stories I can share with my wife and show to my friends. I will still try to write the truth. I will still listen to hear what the truth tells me about myself.


I hope that I will find my way back to a place where expressing my love is as natural and as necessary as breathing.


My guest on the blog this week is Nikki Magennis, with a great post on book burning. I recommend it to you and I apologise to everyone for my sudden change in direction


This is my last post on “Oh Get A Grip”. I have been honoured to take part in this blog and I wish it continuing success.


My thanks to all of you who have read my stuff.


Good bye and thank you for your kindness.

11 comments:

  1. We all have change in our lives. Adopting a pseudonym, becoming that persona and living with it over a period of time is really just a more pronounced form of what many if not most people go through in life.

    I've moved in and around the goth scene for many years. Almost everyone in that scene has a nickname and is known by it, and people change their nickname as their personality changes. I confess I have friends I've known for over a decade, known by two or three nicknames over that time, and actually I don't know and have never known the name on their driving licence or birth certificate.

    Many writers have several names. Fulani is my erotic writing persona, and it's the same name I acquired for essentially boring reasons on the fetish scene almost 20 years ago. But I use my real name for other stuff I publish, which is mainly SF and horror.

    Good luck on the change in direction in your life. I hope it works out for you, and your new writing is successful. I suspect you'll continue to break taboos and transgress boundaries - because it's possible to do that in any genre. You'll just find different ways of doing it.

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  2. Dear Mike,

    What a great loss to the erotica writing community.

    It sounds like you have come to a turning point - I admire you for having the courage of your convictions. It's hard to be uncertain, but most of us are, most of the time, unless we're deluded, I think. Best of luck finding what you seek.

    I hope that your decision brings you and your wife happiness, and wish you all the very best in your future writing work. I hope that I can find your work under another name sometime soon, I do enjoy reading your words so much, whether sex-related or not.

    Thank you for writing your stuff!

    Nikki

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  3. Speaking as someone whose marriage has ended becaue neither of us managed to prioritise it or devote ourselves to it, I commend you. My husband made it very clear where his interests lay, and that what I wanted for us did not really rate very high for him. And I ... well, I didn't manage to put us first either.

    So, do it. Be authentic. I hope it works and I hope you find as much satisfaction in your new writing.

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  4. I wish my dad could have the same epiphany that you did. So, like Jo, I commend you. Good luck.

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  5. Mike - or whoever you truly are - I'll miss your insight, but not your writing as I expect to see it under a different name at some time in the future. Congratulations on your choice of priorities.

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  6. Dear Mike,

    I respect your decision, but I regret it. How do you know that your wife would not want to know the part of you that is Mike Kimera?

    However, I wouldn't want to try and dissuade you from doing what you believe is right. And I strongly suspect that this is difficult enough for you without getting any flak from your fans (like me).

    Good luck in your new endeavors. I do agree with Kathleen - I'm sure that your written work will be stellar regardless of the genre. What I worry about is that I won't read it, because perhaps I won't know that it's by the same man I've come to admire for his insights and value for his unflinching literary courage.

    Warmly,
    Lisabet

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  7. What a surprise, one I can't honestly say surprises me. I've known you from a distance for some years and have always admired your ability to 'find' what really is important to you and your life. I don't know if this is the right decision, but only you can say yes or no to that. I do wish you all the very best and I'd also like you to know, I'll miss you. You're one of those people who has the ability to make me think about things in a different light. I like that a lot.

    Good luck and I hope to see you again in your other guise soon.

    Hugs

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  8. To put someone else first is a hard thing to do, and I admire you for doing it. Good luck, Mike!

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  9. Wow Mike, this is startling. Especially since you;re such a prominent name in this genre. But I understand what you're saying. Today the Mammoth anthology came out and i have a story in it and i shuld proud, and I am, but i can't show it to my family. So I understand at least some of what you;re saying.

    Anyway you have to invest yourself in your marriage, as you say. If that is the choice you have to make, and you say it is, then you;re making the right choice. We'll miss your voice and I hope you'll stop by and see us. You'll be hard to replace.

    GArce

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  10. Mike,

    I too am sorry to see you go. Your contribution to erotica has been immense. Your characters have always had a unique bent that shines through, and the stories have been unique and compelling.

    I'm sure you will bring this energy to your writing wherever you decide to take it.

    I hope that this place will fulfill you, and help you to find balance in your life. I hope that somehow you can realize what you like in Mike Kimera as part of the rest of your life.

    I wish you all the best,

    Craig

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  11. I don't come in here all that often...too much work at the paying job, too much to to read, too little time to do everything I want to... but every time I do, I learn stuff. Today, I'm sorry to learn of Mike Kimera's departure from being Mike Kimera.

    Mike, your name was one of the first I learned to recognize as part of the gold standard for way-above-average erotica writing, not just because of the erotica part, but because of the writing part. You're a cut above, Mike, and I shall miss reading it.

    Be well, whatever you do.

    Rose

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