Monday, August 22, 2011

At The Movies With My Lizard Brain

By Kathleen Bradean

My deepest sympathies to the Gripper who picked this topic, but I let out a long groan when I saw this topic, because I knew that I'd be an utter failure at it. It's a great topic. The fail is mine.

Sexy movies.

Have I mentioned that I'm the least visual person on earth? Sure, I nearly suffocated watching Das Boot, I've been known to mangle a pillow or two during really intense action scenes, and had cougarsish thoughts about a certain Mr. Neville Longbottom during the last Harry Potter movie (to quote the movie So I Married An Axe Murderer: You grew up a wee right sexy bastard. Do you know that?), but sexy? Like 'let's leave the kids with the babysitter for another hour, check into a cheesy hotel, and do it right here on the oriental?' (to quote Prizzi's Honor. At least the oriental part. The rest is mine.)

Sure, watching Gomez Aadams kiss his way up Morticia's arm is a bit of a voyeuristic thrill. Michael Keaton's Batman was surprisingly sexy in a morning after scene. Marion kissing Indiana Jones' boo-boos all better in Raiders of the Lost Ark was a huge cock tease of sexiness seeing as Indy fell asleep before they got to anything remotely interesting. As a young lady of refined taste, I found Etta Place being ordered to strip by the Sundance Kid really hot in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, but what I liked even more was the hint that she was doing both of them. At least, that's the way I interpreted it back then. And still do.

Oh! Finally recalled one. Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader was off the charts kinky goodness. But then again, so is The Last Seduction, at least to me, so you know how far off normal I'm coming from.

The problem, I think, is that I do think. About sex. All. The. Time. I think about what's sexy and what's sensual. I dwell on every frame of every fantasy, TV show, movie, and erotic story I read like an obsessed movie director with a billion feet of footage and a vision only he understands. I deconstruct, rewind, slo-mo and analyze the shit out of everything that blips on my raised eyebrow radar to figure out what caused the blip. It makes it awfully hard to be swept away by the story when you're doing that. Maybe I should turn off my higher functioning brain and only take my lizard brain to the movies from now on. Maybe then I could find a single frame of True Blood sexy instead of groaning about how they manage to miss the mark every damn time.

(I expect hate mail about that last comment. Bring it on. I know good sex, and that ain't it.)


  1. The Last Seduction? Isn't that the flick with Linda Fiorentino? _I_ thought that was sexy...

    Anyway, you don't have to make any apologies to anyone. Movies, like music, are highly personal.

  2. Yes, Lisabet, that's the one.

    And I'm so glad that you brought up Bound. My god, what a script! what great actors! and the overall lasting impression from it was that it was scorching hot.

  3. What are you talking about?? That was an orsum post! You hit on about eight hundred sexy bits in movies, and mentioned the sexiest movie ever, Secretary.

    Kisses for you.

  4. I have a dirty secret: most films, even those that are self-consciously 'erotic' like 9 1/2 Weeks, leave me cold. I must be one of the few people left who still has a stronger response to the written word than to visual media.

    The bits of film I can remember offhand that left me hot were Cronenberg's Videodrome, and sections of Crash and eXistenZ; the scene in Cat People with Nastassja Kinski tied to the bed; and the strange segments in George Lusas's very early film, THX1138, where the main character is watching some S&M on a film (but you barely get to see any more than fractions of a second at a time!). I think the erotic element comes from the context and interpretation of the plot as well as what's actually on screen.

    There might be a few more if I think harder...

    OK, OK, I'm strange. I admit it.

  5. Fulani - Not at all! I agree with you. Unless something catches my breath (or libido) out of the blue for it's erotic weirdness, it has to be about the characters. I have to believe in their desire for each other and want it for them as much as they want it. Or, at least, that's the conclusion I've come to with all my obessessing on the erotic.

  6. Charlotte - Whew! glad I didn't let you down.

  7. I'm panicking a bit about what I'm going to write with regard to this theme, Kathleen. Thanks for this entertaining post!

  8. Good post, Kathleen. I found "Secretary" hot, but partly because it can be seen as a satirical look at office politics (an over-the-top Nine to Five). Everyone's taste is different. Did someone mention Bound? OMG.

  9. Kristina - thanks. I almost listed Fashionistas, but only because it's much classier than the porn that works for me.

    Jean - hot is so subjective. (see my comment to Kristina)

  10. I agree with Fulani's comment - sometimes strange little bits of otherwise non-erotic movies really grab me. One that comes to mind is a scene in "Girl With A Pearl Earring" (not a particularly good film). The painter is attaching his wife's earring to the ear of his model (their maid). There's not a sexual move there, but the erotic tension is incredible.

  11. Lisabet - I know that scene made a huge impression on you. You've mentioned it before. With my over analysis of the erotic, I've come to the conclusion that it's the stuff leading up to the moment that gives it sexual tension, not the scene itself. So while the movie overall didn't do much for you, something about it made you sit up and take notice of that scene. Or maybe you were fantasizing about piercing play?

  12. What I love about The Girl with the Pearl Earring (besides the thrill of recognition, since I love the Vermeer painting) is:
    - the painterly cinematography and
    - the eroticizing of the forbidden & hidden. When Vermeer wants to paint Griet (sp?), he asks her to uncover her long hair, and she refuses. That makes the hair almost as titillating as an affair between the married painter & his employee, under his wife's nose.