I'll Just Leave Him A Voicemail

I'm not a very religious person. But of all the religions and all the faiths and everything that everyone else may or may not believe, I like the stuff that Jesus said the best. In fact, I just like Jesus. I really do. Not in a Bible thumping, have you been saved sort of way. Just in a: he was a cool guy sort of way.

I mean, think about it. He didn't mind hanging around with prostitutes and lepers. Even with thousands of years of progress people still hate the former and aren't too keen on the latter. He could turn horrible tasting water into wine. He could turn loaves into fishes - or was it something else he turned into fishes? Maybe it was stones, though if it was even better. It's rare that I'll have a meal of stone and hollandaise sauce with crushed potatoes.

He healed the sick, he said orsum things like "turn the other cheek", he rocked a beard so cool that people still talk about today ("not you fat Jesus" is uttered to Zach Galifinakis because of the hair garden on his chin).

But most of all: he promoted the idea of forgiveness. He full on sold that sucker to everyone he could. He even got it in a book that people still read now, and he didn't care what anyone thought about it.

I've got to give him respect, for that. Because I find it almost impossible to forgive anyone.

I can't forgive my Dad, for choosing alcohol over me.

I can't forgive my brother-in-law for being the most terrible, selfish asshole.

I can't forgive that bitch at work, for abusing me, the workplace, her power, the students she consistently let down.

I can't forgive the head of Random House, for closing down Black Lace.

Though I suppose four instance of non-forgiveness isn't that bad a tally. After all, in my life I have forgiven:

902,464,278,838,220 people, for being random jerks to me for no reason.

Over 100 people I've worked with, for being lazy, incompetent, nasty, rude and misogynistic.

Ten family members, for complicated awfulness.

One friend, for sometimes being a douchebag.

And finally myself, for only giving me one one-hundredth of the life I thought I'd have.

Not a bad tally, eh Jesus? Jesus? Hello? Jesus?? You know, I suspect there's a reason why he doesn't call me back.