Heaven

I’m sitting in the back yard which needs mowing desperately.  The peach tree had been so filled with peaches and the peaches swelled from the rain when we had left that the top had been touching the ground.  Now the peaches are gone and it looks relieved like a woman who has given birth. It’s the first sunny day since coming back from vacation and everybody’s kind of depressed.  When you’ve been away having a great time, coming back to reality hits you like a board in the head. The back yard smells like cat shit.  It must bother my neighbor but he never says anything. 

I’m thinking.  I need to lose weight, I’m thinking.  It would be nice to be young and single, I’m thinking, living next door to young women, maybe college girls, to have a magnificent physique and then take up nude sun bathing.  Maybe nude yoga. As I do back bends and downward looking dog maybe I’d hear giggling and camera shutters through the privacy fence. Oh, J Alfred Prufrock.  The mermaids will not sing to me either, the old downward looking dog.

My nose itches inside.

I rub it with a finger and it smarts.

Dull.

Dull.

Dulldulldull. 

My finger strays like a wandering caterpillar, up the pubic haired forest of my beard, ascends my lip, wanders into the cave of my right nostril.

I know its back there.  I can feel it.  Definitely I can feel it.  Almost got it.  It’s in there deep.  Really getting the old thumb in there.  No, hard to reach.  If only I had waited to clip my fingernails last night.  You get rid of something and then you miss it.

Trying to get my thumbnail under it.  One of those dried out little hard ones.  Feels like a little mountain range in there.

Come here you booger.  You can’t get away. The booger police are here.

Dull.

Do people pick their nose in Heaven?  Would that be allowed?  Does the Virgin Mary pick her nose when she’s bored?

What if the booger looks like the Virgin Mary?  Could I sell that on eBay?  Some wahoo had a piece of French toast that had the face of Jesus and made a bundle on it.  It was on CNN or something.

Is it too late to have a great looking physique?  Do people have great looking bodies in Heaven?  Would girls like me better that way in Heaven or would I still have to be married anyway?  How long would you have to go on being married before you could meet girls again?  If you want to have a huge dick or big tits in Heaven will they give it to you if you ask?  Who would you ask?

What if you’re a virgin in Heaven?

You can’t fornicate.  Can’t masturbate.  Can’t adulterate.  Just celibate.  Just go around praising Jesus all the time.  Does Jesus like being praised all the time?  I like being praised, but if it went on too long it would be annoying like maybe they don't really mean it they just don't want to get in trouble if they stop.   

Will there be boogers in Heaven?  Like this little hard bastard I can’t reach.  Just . . .wait . . . Just . . . Almost maybe. Ow.  Little bastard’s really glued down there.

If you eat all your favorite foods in Heaven and never get fat, do you still have to take a dump every day? And if you can’t meet girls or have to stay a virgin, who cares what you look like anyway?  Why bother? Do they have outhouses or sold gold toilets? Does the Virgin Mary ever use them?  Would she stick her head out and ask you for toilet paper if she were out?  If there are golden flush toilets do they need a water purification plant?  Who runs that?  Do you pay taxes for that?  What about cave men, did they need to be house broken, shown how to use toilet paper? Or maybe there aren’t any cavemen in Heaven because they didn’t accept Jesus as their savior, which is kind of a raw deal because Jesus hadn’t even been born yet so its not their fault or anything but still. If you let them off the hook, then all the Christians who had to accept Jesus will complain. It must really suck being God sometimes, everybody complains. What about Adam and Eve?  What did they use? Leaves? Does your shit smell in Heaven?  Like cat shit does here, cripes.  But maybe it’s only people in Hell who have to take a shit, but taking a shit feels kind of nice sometimes, so shouldn’t you be able to do that if you want to?  And sex?  But maybe its only people in Hell who get to have sex, so if you’re a Virgin maybe that’s a better deal too, but it’s virgins who are supposed to go to Heaven and go on being virgins forever so they're kind of stuck which seems unfair somehow.  I’m feeling very confused about this.

If I could just get my thumbnail under it.

I wonder if Harry Potter ever had a booger spell.  Petrolem nostrilis boogerum.

If I were in Heaven could I order an angel to do this for me?  If angels are your servants they have to do whatever you tell them, no matter what, right?  Anything?  What if you’re feeling horny and your favorite angel is standing over there waiting for orders and you’re just all like hey you cute little angel come over here.  Are there lady angels in Heaven?  If I pick one out that looks nice and seems to like me okay and order her to bed does she have to do it because I’m human and she’s just a nobody angel and has to do only what I want?  Would I get in trouble, like maybe set off an alarm, maybe call down the angel vice squad?  Would they really throw me out to the roasty-toasty place for that, because if I were really Heaven quality material I would never want to screw anybody ever because my thoughts would be pure?  Like they'd discover I was there by mistake, maybe a clerical error?  

I will get this booger if its the last thing I do in this world. I mean it.  My ass will die happy once I’ve got this booger.

If you were in the other place and if you wanted to bang a hot looking lady devil, she’d be totally chill with it and so would her chain of command too I’ll bet.  She’d hump you up and down the block in front of everybody and maybe other lady devils would line up to take turns humping you. Maybe she’d be a dominatrix lady devil and spank your ass and then she’d pick your nose for you too. Goddamn. That's kind of a deal.

And if people are praising Jesus all day and all night and it’s really getting on his nerves and he sees you getting kicked out for trying to grab an angel, maybe he’d gather up a couple virgins and a case of beer and you’d all go down there together in his Daddy’s pink Cadillac.  Maybe Jesus knows where the party is.

Got it.

Hey. 

Now that there’s a big lunker.

Wish I could show this to somebody.  Maybe my wife would like to see this.

I’m trying to shake it off my finger.  It won’t come off.  Boy I miss vacation.  I’d love to be fishing right now instead of this.

I’m going to shake this thing off the end of my finger if its the last thing I ever do in this world.

Then I can really die happy.  For sure.