Friday, March 27, 2015

With Love and Gay Pride

by Jean Roberta, roving reporter

Hello, fans of the LGBTQ (or GLBTgenderfuck2spiritwhatever) press. Remember when the fashionable way to sign any letter or email was “with love and gay pride?” That seems to have faded, but I’m proud to say that a pride has volunteered to be interviewed in their home in Africa.

JR: Simba, are you the only male in your family unit?

Simba: No, we have some male cubs, but I’m the head of the household. Every group needs a leader.
(All the females show their teeth while making a sound somewhere between a growl and a snicker.)

JR: So what does a typical day look like for all of you?

Nala: Lazy-ass here stays home with the cubs while we hunt. We still have meat from our last kill, so today we get a day off.

Simba: I organize the hunting parties.

Nala: As if! I’m the head female.

Lucy: Uh, Nala, that depends on what you mean by ‘head.’ Hello! We’re female lions. We know how to hunt.



Simba: Little human, we have typical mammal families. I dominate my harem and father all the cubs.
(More growling/snickering from the females.)

Nala (in a condescending tone): You’re a good lay and a good dad, Simba. That’s why we feed you.

Lucy: We like having a token male with us. He can babysit when we need time away from the cubs.

Patches: But not all of us want to be moms.

Lucy (insinuating): You’re good at something else, Patches.

Patches: You know it.

Nala: Human, you should spend a day with us so you can learn how real families function in the wild. You humans have such an unnatural culture.

Snaggle-Tooth: One male for one female. What’s up with that?

Lucy: I couldn’t cope. (All the females shake their heads.)

JR: Um, well, some of us have alternative lifestyles.

Nala: It’s about time. Do you hunt?

JR: Only for packaged meat in the grocery store.
(All the females look aghast.)

Snaggle-Tooth: What do you do with your bottled-up energy? Everyone knows females are more aggressive than males. It’s only natural.

Patches: But look at her claws. Useless, if you ask me.

JR: They’re not for hunting. I keep them short for mating.
(All the lions look at the interviewer.)

Simba (apparently clueless): Human mating habits must be very strange. I would like to meet the male of your pride. I’ve seen documentaries about human families.

Nala (sarcastic): You know so much, Simba.

Simba (to JR, as if this just occurred to him): I hope you’re not a Christian. We kill them.

JR: I’m not.

Lucy: There’s hope for you, she-human. When you tell the other humans about us, make sure you tell them to leave us alone. We’re not hurting them.

Patches: More species should live like us.

JR: I’ll pass it on. And thank you all for sharing your lives with me. Some of us had no idea.
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10 comments:

  1. Is there a Most Creative Take on the Theme award? (:v>

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  2. Chuckle! "I hope you’re not a Christian. We kill them."

    A very gay pride indeed!

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  3. Yep, that's just how I've pictured lion prides. And the females have a stake in keeping the old duffer around, because a new stud moving in tends to not tolerate the cubs of his predecessor, to put it mildly.

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  4. I once saw a documentary about life in a tribal village. An anthropologist was interviewing a group of women, asking what they did in a typical day. The women went on to tell about hauling water, gardening, cooking, cleaning, raising and schooling the kids, weaving cloth, then making clothes from the cloth, etc, etc. When asked what he men did, the women all broke out laughing.

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    1. Just wait until folks get the chance to read about the tribal culture in Nanookie's village! ("The Highbottom Affair", in Daddy's upcoming book. It's a hoot!)

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  5. Thanks for your comments, all! I've often wondered whether it's really possible for humans to understand human cultures outside their own, let alone those of other species! And even among humans, polygamy seems more complex that it often seems to Western "experts." (The husband is usually assumed to "dominate" 3, 4, 6 or a dozen wives. Seriously?) Christians from traditionally polygamous cultures tend to vehemently object to any suggestion that a multi-wife family lends itself to lesbianism, so I won't go there. What I will say is that my limited exposure to Nigerian culture while I was married to a Nigerian man showed me that co-wives tend to develop close, cooperative, lifelong relationships, and their children grow up with multiple mothers. I don't see why the culture of other polygamous mammals would be different, especially if the stud/King of Beasts depends on the females for his food!

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  6. I look forward to Daddy X's upcoming book!

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    1. Thanks, Jean.

      And Lisabet, who's been just a super editor, holding my hand through this first collection.

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  7. What a hoot! We've always been Brookfield Zoo members, since when it was crappy weather, at least the zoo always had plowed roads to let the kids run their energy off on. Plus we love to commune with the critters. I never thought of the dynamics of a lion pride before, especially not in quite this way. Thanks for the smiles.

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  8. This is awesome, Jean! I'm so glad you went with pride as in lions.

    Also: "I keep them short for mating." Hilarious!

    With love and gay pride! ;)

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