by Giselle Renarde
That's me in the corner...
That's me in the spot...light...
Losing my virginity...
There wasn't any music playing the first time I had sex. I kind of wish there had been. I kind of wish it was Losing My Religion.
I was a pretty old virgin too, by today's standards. I was 21 the first time I had sex. It happened at a Crowne Plaza that doesn't exist anymore, in a hotel room I don't really remember because it was like any other nondescript hotel room you can think of. I booked it. He couldn't. His wife paid the bills. She would definitely notice if a hotel charge popped up on their credit card statement.
The whole time I kept thinking: God, I hope I never have to do this again.
It felt so weird, so gross, having this old man on top of. I kept thinking how much I'd begged for it. This is what I've been dying for? This is what I wanted?
I hated it. The whole time I just wanted it to end.
But we're talking P-in-V, here. What about everything else? Whether or not you think of yourself as a virgin depends on whether or not you feel you've had sex.
So what is sex?
As a queer person, I obviously don't think penis-in-vagina intercourse is the be-all and end-all. You can have plenty of sex and never do the P-in-V thing in your life.
Remember on Seinfeld when Elaine asks: “Hey Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?” His answer is pretty damn inclusive: “I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance.”
So why did I still think of myself as a virgin even after I'd sucked a cock or touched a boob? Because I truly believed I was missing out on something important. I thought the moment I got a cock inside me the skies would open up and I'd become aware of all these cosmic truths.
That... really didn't happen.
But penetrative sex did get better over time. Started to feel less icky.
Every so often I like to write about the uncomfortableness of first-time sex. Maybe it's not weird for everyone. I don't know. I'm not an expert. For an erotica writer, I have to confess I'm not a voyeur of other people's sexual experiences. Actually, I'm the total opposite. I don't want to hear about it.
But I make an exception for those squicky awkward first times. There's something so gritty and real about them.
Maybe I just like to watch you squirm.
Our society's definitions of sex are both arbitrary and weird.
ReplyDeleteI'll bet fewer than 10% of women enjoy their first P-in-V experience.
I didn't find it icky, or even particularly painful, but it was all over pretty quickly.
I just can't even read historicals with first time m/f penetrative sex anymore because so fake. I worry that they're giving young readers unrealistic expectations which in turn make them feel like weirdo losers in reality.
ReplyDeleteAs a side note: I also wonder what's up with female-written m/m first time anal scenes. It's not like they can't try this at home first (ok, slightly different but still), but so many clearly haven't.
Hi, Anonymous,
DeleteCan you elaborate on your comment about M/M first time anal sex? What sort of errors/lack of realism have you noticed?
I always thought it was strange to say "having sex" meant traditional penetration, rather than enjoying any of the other means to sexual pleasure. "Virginity" as it applies to females seems to be a vestigial concept from the ancient times when men obsessed about both complete possession and being sure your offspring were really your offspring. Oh, wait, that still goes on, doesn't it, although now we have more ways to determine paternity and to have penetrative sex without much risk of pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteMy mother had told me for years that having real sex with a man would be SO much better than what she had caught me doing by myself (starting about age 4.). Thinking back, I'm not sure Mom ever really had a good orgasm, despite being married for 50+ years. I don't think she ever touched herself, and IMHO, if YOU don't know what gets you off, how do you expect someone else to know?
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I didn't "lose" my virginity as much as I gave it away as soon as I could find a willing volunteer. I deliberately chose a guy who 1) had a girlfriend who wouldn't "put-out", and 2) planned on running away from home the next day. (We were both 17 at the time.) Both of those facts meant that he'd get out of my life and leave me to sample as many men as I could talk out of their jeans. Yes, I was truly that horny!
The actual event was more satisfying in the lead-up. I was getting very excited, until we actually got naked and he inserted tab A into slot B. Then it was uncomfortable and weird. And suddenly no fun anymore...at least for me. He, it turns out, had been a virgin too, which might explain why it was so unpleasant for me. Or maybe not. I recall that I had sex for at least the next 3 years, with lots of guys, and STILL never had an orgasm as good as the ones I could reliably give myself. I got really good at cock-sucking and fucking, but the big O still eluded me. (Ah, the 70s! What a time!)
I did eventually meet a few men who actually knew where the clitoris was. True story: I had to take a PE class to get my teaching certificate. One of my roommates and me tried swimming, but the pool was too damn cold. Then we found out we could take a Health class, and Sex Ed sounded like an easy A...which it was. But our first assignment on the first day, was to take 2 drawings home and label the sexual parts of the male and female anatomy. A week later, the two teachers, both men, laughed at us in class as they handed them back. They said they frequently get feedback from young women in their classes about how unsatisfying their sex lives are. They have no doubt about why, since invariably, every guy in the class labels every part of the female anatomy the clitoris! Since they have no fucking idea where it is, they don't know how to pleasure a woman. Duh!
Well, at least they knew (or believed) that the clitoris exists...
DeleteAh, the seventies indeed! ;^)
There are so many reasons that first-time sex tends to be worse in real life than in fiction: nervousness (whether one is male or female), lack of knowledge, fear of consequences (especially if one is a female who could get pregnant, and/or become a social outcast). There is probably someone on earth who had a peak experience the first time, but that must be rare.
ReplyDeleteIf only the first time having sex was anything like, say, the first time drinking whole milk (which made me wonder who the hell had been hiding this amazing, creamy stuff from me my whole life). There are a lot of first times that are special, delightful experiences, things I can revisit but that will never be quite the same or quite as magical. I wonder why losing one's virginity is so rarely that way.
ReplyDeleteThough you're so right to point to the difference between PiV and other types of sex. Losing my lesbian virginity really was all kinds of magical, and I really did wake up feeling changed, so...