by Annabeth Leong
I was going to talk about how to tell if your story idea wants to be a short story or a novel, but then I noticed that Cameron talked about dicks and it’s getting late and I think I’ll go with a sexual interpretation of our topic, too. Specifically, time to orgasm: short and long.
First, as relates to me:
I think the time it takes to orgasm alters the character of the sensation. A quickly attained orgasm can be explosive and exciting, and there can also be something satisfying about a carefully nursed and well-earned orgasm. On the other hand, there are pitfalls along the way. I not infrequently get into long masturbation sessions where I start out by having an orgasm faster than I want to, so I’m unsatisfied because I planned to spend more quality time with myself. So I keep going, but then the orgasms I get later don’t feel worth the time I put into them, so I keep going. A couple hours later, I’m still going, sweaty and frustrated, still chasing a feeling I may or may not reach.
I have a partner with a masturbation fetish who finds the fact that I do this unbearably hot and loves nothing more than discovering me desperately in the midst of this with sex toys strewn all over the bed. I have mixed feelings about it personally, though it does work the abs.
Activities that tend to make me come quickly:
Masturbation, using my hand — I can do this in under two minutes if I feel motivated enough and think the right thoughts. It is reliable, good, solid sensation. This is the thing to beat. Speaking physically (as in, leaving aside emotion), a lot of partnered sex in my experience is not as good as what I can do this way.
Me, on top, riding some sort of phallus — If my partner can handle me moving the way I like and I get the right sort of nipple stimulation, this can be really fast, too. It feels particularly good to me to come this way. I have to straighten my legs, and the key to this position is rubbing my clit on my partner’s pubic bone while gripping the phallus with internal muscles just so. Based on feedback from penis-owning partners, though, it sounds like this does not always produce the best feeling from the other perspective, so that’s a downside.
Spanking the clit with a hand or a strap — I had a partner who asked me if the thing I do in response to this is really an orgasm. I’m not 100% sure? But I do know that I start out shying away from the strap or what have you, quickly progress to pushing toward it, and soon reach a moment that is a climax of some sort in that I want the strap really intensely and then wind up feeling satisfied and finished with what we’re doing. If I was horny when we started, that feeling is taken care of after this.
Activities that take a long time:
Masturbation, using the famed Hitachi — This takes, no joke, something like 45 minutes for me. I ride the magic wand, because otherwise my wrist would hurt too much for me to type for the next 24 hours. It feels good for brief periods but then makes me go numb. I still use this thing a fair bit because the end result is powerful, but it’s a goddamn workout. I usually have to hold my breath, flex every muscle in my body, grab the edges of the mattress so hard I’m bending it nearly in half, and thrust for all I’m worth. I usually get a headache afterwards. I’m not sure why I do this as often as I do.
Receiving oral sex — I feel like if I was more comfortable with myself this could go faster. It definitely does go faster if my partner is able to put fingers inside me while using their tongue. However, when someone starts going down on me approximately 98% of my brain is occupied with feeling self-conscious as fuck. I gradually relax as they do things with their tongue, but at some point 98% of my brain gets occupied with worrying about how incredibly long I’m taking to come. There’s a sweet spot somewhere in between, but if something disrupts it the process has to start from the beginning.
Getting fingered — I’m so good with my own fingers, but nobody else does it exactly like I do it! As a result, this is an interesting way to come but it takes about a million years. Again, I struggle with self-consciousness while it is happening. I’ve had some pleasant surprises with this method, though. I usually cannot come with someone the first time we have sex, but I once had someone finger me to orgasm through extreme patience the first time we were together. I think the key was that this partner genuinely seemed to be having fun with the fingering, not like they were waiting impatiently for me to come, so I relaxed the necessary amount.
I think it’s interesting to note that the methods that take the longest to me are generally thought to be the most surefire, I think.
Now a few words about time to orgasm as far as my partners are concerned.
With penis owners:
Please, please, for the love of all that is holy, penis owners, do not engage in athletics and mental tricks to “last” as long as possible, at least not with me. I do not really want a phallus in me for a significantly long period of time. Things dry out and start to hurt. You are not doing me a favor. I suffered through this mostly in my early twenties. I think at this time in my life, I would at some point suggest mutual masturbation as an alternative.
On the other hand, please do not come rapidly and promptly fall asleep. Do you enjoy watching or participating in masturbation? If so, I believe we can hang.
With vulva owners:
Perhaps this is hypocritical given what I said above, but I could do whatever thing I am doing for however long is required. I am super happy to go down and stay down, to do whatever is needed with my fingers up to and past the point when my hand feels like it may fall off, to operate the vibrator, to help you lubricate while you operate it, whatever is needed. I used to tell an ex-girlfriend, “I’m here all night,” and I meant it. This was not out of an effort to do her a favor (though I hope she benefited). It was motivated by my nearly endless desire to be between her thighs. Many women I have slept with have felt self-conscious about taking a long time to orgasm. From what I’ve written above, it’s pretty clear that I am, too. But it’s funny because I’m not remotely bothered by that when I’m on the other side of it (on the contrary—I’m really turned on by the idea of using my tongue until it hurts).
With people who don’t want their genitals touched:
The “I’m here all night” principle tends to operate here as well. I’m a foot fetishist, and I will lick a lover’s feet pretty much until they kick me away. If it takes a long time to reach the point of satisfaction, whatever that may be, I’m good—especially if I get to indulge my oral fixation in the process.
A few conclusions:
I tend to feel more awkward/limited about what is done to me. It is harder for me to deal with an extended procedure as a receiver, while I am eager to be on the giver side to the point of fetishizing it. I wonder how common this viewpoint is. I do notice a lot of people who are self-conscious about taking a long time. On the other hand, I have slept with selfish people who come and then bounce without seeing what their partner might be into. In general, as with all things sexual, talking more would be good!
I don’t think there is an ideal time to orgasm, as receiver or giver. I’ve read studies and statistics on this topic, and I notice general defensiveness around coming too quickly or not spending too long having sex. Longer is not always better, though. I think it takes however long it takes. Probably, as with most things, a middle answer will work well in general.
(Sorry to be posting so late, friends! I hope this piece still entertains!)