by Daddy X
As I’ve mentioned a number of times on these pages, I
abandoned coming on to women back when I was a boy and the women were girls. I
couldn’t handle the aftereffects of rejection, so I learned to wait for a girl
to show interest in me.
I started going to weekly school dances (called ‘canteens’
in my area of Bucks County Pa.) in 6th grade. I still remember my
first time. I came home in a state of rapture: I could actually hold a girl in
my arms! I found these to be wonderful, if confusing, encounters unless someone
said ‘no’ when I asked for a slow dance. That rejection would smack me down to
the point where I wouldn’t have the confidence to approach another girl all
night.
In my experience it was always the girl who held all the
power. I’m talking power of consent. Even as a teen, I could never imagine
forcing myself on a girl. Isn’t the whole idea to achieve an equal sharing of
intimacy, along with any and all physical pleasure? It certainly was how I
viewed sex at the time—and for that
matter, now. Let’s face it, the most ideal expression of desire is when it goes
both ways. I wanted to be wanted. For me, mutual desire was the sexiest part.
The method worked well when I became a partner in a bar/restaurant.
It was the women employees who came on to me, rather than my taking advantage of
anyone by wielding increased power. For the first three years I worked at the
place, not once did I have sex with another employee, but after making partner
the waitresses (and some customers) began virtually throwing themselves at me.
The same thing happened at another bar when I became manager after working
there nearly a year.
So these days I read
that it’s really men who exert all the power. Even now, I can’t imagine how
bringing a woman home and masturbating in front of her is any kind of come-on.
(Unless it’s what they both want, and allude to before the fact.) Clearly those
guys are thinking only of themselves.
Thinking one step further, and considering recent consequences
for company executives who manipulate underlings, what future does this hold
for women who want to fuck their way to the top? They’d simply be using their
assets. Shouldn’t a slut have an equal shot at success? Over the years, some of
my favorite people have been sluts.
And if I was more of a prick, maybe I’d have gotten laid
more.
Thank you so much for this post. I've always felt that I had that power. It's a heady experience, knowing one is desired and realizing that you can take advantage of that if you want.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI never even wanted to have a woman think I'd taken advantage of her. For one thing, I usually liked going back for succeeding encounters. Fuck buddies were like a recurring benefit, so if I behaved like an asshole, (even if I were so inclined) they wouldn't see me again.
DeletePlus, women talk with friends about their experiences with individual men, and what man would want a nasty reputation spread down the grapevine?
I'm really, really glad you have the viewpoint you do--of sex as ideally a mutual expression of desire. I'll say that in my experience, not everyone shares that viewpoint. Some people I've met seem to assume (possibly because of screwed up societal messaging) that there's no way I could want what they do so they'd better try to trick it out of me. Others, I fear, get off on coercion itself. The wild thing about the point you bring up (men masturbating in front of women) is it often gets defended as a come-on. Men (really mostly men here) have said and done really creepy things with me, and when I complained about it, sometimes just privately with friends, I was told what if he was just trying to flirt with you? I feel like almost infinite benefit of the doubt gets extended to some of that creepy behavior, and that's where the power imbalance lies. True consent requires a sort of equality, an idea that I can be like, dude, that's creepy, knock it off, and that will be respected--instead of people reacting like, whoa, what an uptight bitch SHE is. I don't think anyone is claiming that men have all the power in the context of relationships, or among people who care what others think and feel. I think a lot of the current societal uproar is about that benefit of the doubt, which is extended so readily, and the thin line many women have to walk--rejecting without coming off too "bitchy", agreeing without coming off too "slutty" and on and on. A small sampling of my thoughts on this matter--sorry it's already so long.
ReplyDeleteSee my reply to Lisabet above.
DeleteThough the idea of 'tricking' someone into sex may help form a great structure of story, I can't imagine what my conscience would do to me. I couldn't look myself in the mirror the next day. Then there would be the karmic response for throwing something so... so... deceiving out into the cosmos. I wouldn't be surprised if I started exuding some kind of pheromone that would repel women. In my mind, they'd all know.
But it's not like I don't know what you're talking about. Working in bars allows a pretty intimate view of human relationships and attendant behavior. There are a lot of pricks in the world who seem to get the best-looking women. I'd watch these guys who often have the gift of good looks and a veneer of charisma. Then, you hear the stories. This guy beat a girl. Another one fucked his girlfriend's sister by some cajolery the sister couldn't get herself out of. It wasn't long before these guys vanished from the scene,once they'd fucked over enough women that they were known entities and couldn't get any more dates.