The Way You Wear Your Face

by Giselle Renarde

A teacher once said to my mother, "There's steel in that girl."

At the time, she was right. Still, I fought back tears when my mother told me. I couldn't decide whether I should be proud. I knew it was true, but was it really so obvious?

The neighbourhood I grew up in was and is very different from the place I live now. Earlier today I was walking down the street and asking myself, "What would be the perfect soundtrack to give this area?" The first song that popped into my head was Pleasant Valley Sunday.

I'm trying to think of the perfect song to accompany the area I grew up in. It would be whatever music scares you shitless, really. Or just the sound of music through apartment walls and people screaming, and then a big crash and you sweating bullets and thinking, "Fuck, should I call the police?"

But of course you shouldn't because it's none of your damn business.

I can't pinpoint any event or moment that turned young Giselle into steel. It was home life coupled with where home was. My mom still lives in that same house, and when I tell people the intersection their eyes widen and they go, "Why?" or "Wow" or just "Yikes." Because why would anyone choose to live in such an unsavoury area?

That's a question I can't answer. I left as soon as I could. I left the steel there, too.

This came to mind the other week, when I was watching So You Think You Can Dance. There was a young woman on the show who had that same steel in her. She came from a rough neighbourhood, too. She faced addiction in her family.

I saw my old self in the way she wore her face: hard, inaccessible, a brick wall of a face. A face you don't want to mess with.

That was me, guys! That was me until I moved to a neighbourhood where I can walk around any time, day or night, and not be afraid. Sure it's weird, being poor and living in an incredibly affluent neighbourhood. I'm surrounded by ego and entitlement and it gets to me sometimes, but at the end of the day entitlement isn't going to steal your jewellery from around your neck or spray bullets from a car window.

Man, it feels good to not be afraid of the place you live. I'm practically Pollyanna when I'm out in the world. I talk to strangers! I smile at everybody! I love them all! Mwah-Mwah! Kisses all 'round!

And then I take the bus back to the neighbourhood where I grew up. Suddenly the smile in my eyes feels embarrassing. It makes me vulnerable. So I shut it down. I lock Pollyanna and her Pleasant Valley Sunday in the basement until I'm back at home base. Because I don't want to be targetted. I don't want to be picked out of the lineup. That one smiling face sticks out, on the bus to my mom's house.

But I feel odd about it. I love the compassionate me. She's my favourite kind of me! I want to share her with the people who live where I used to live. They're sort of like family, in a way.

I try, but I feel uneasy. The world I grew up in seems so predatory, so violent, so ready to take you down.

Out comes the steel, but I put it on like a mask now. It's not coming from the inside out. I'm wearing it so I'll blend in.

Sometimes I feel Pollyanna kicking and screaming, but I make her wear that mask. It's for her own good.

I Believe In The Power Of Positive Thinking

By Devon Rhodes

Just call me Pollyanna...

Everyone does.

Many people today don't actually know where this saying came from, but almost everyone can tell you that Pollyanna = Unrelenting Optimism.

Pollyanna was a series of books beginning with the 1913 best-seller by Eleanor H. Porter about a young girl who learned to look on the bright side of things, "the glad game," by turning any situation around into a positive point of view. Punished by being locked in the attic by her aunt, Pollyanna instead appreciates the view. Even harshly tested by becoming paralyzed after an accident, she comes around to being glad she still has legs and eventually learns to walk again, ostensibly overcoming her handicap through the power of positive thinking.

Now, I'm not talking about faith healing. But I do believe in the ability to lift oneself up and find ways of making things happen, discovering new paths and alternatives to get you to your goal, by not allowing obstacles and failures mire you down.

Just think about how other people's moods affect you. Even a stranger on the street can sour your mood with a negative display or mean or thoughtless action. Now consider how you feel when witnessing a random act of kindness, receiving an unexpected compliment or acknowledgement, a little atta-boy (or girl) from someone you hold in high esteem. Goes a long way towards making you believe that anything is possible.

A new verbal coin, pay it forward.

In the instances when giving up means checking out, holding on to your positive point of view can make all the difference. I don't think there's a published writer out there that hit a homerun first time up to bat.

This brings me to another point. Being positive does not mean disregarding home truths and reality. All the positive thinking in the world will not get a trite, error-riddled manuscript published. However, taking the criticism or rejection as an opportunity to learn, change, grow, mature, develop, and so forth is a better use of time and energy than being angry or closed-minded.

Lest you think I'm all sweetness and light, I do have a very active Devil's Advocate that plays straight man to my Pollyanna.  Here is a real-life conversation they had today:

DA:  Okay, time to give it up. You still have over 6K to write AND the synopsis.
Polly:  I'm going to have some coffee and start writing!
DA:  The submission due date is TODAY! Are you crazy?
Polly:  Well, that is an awful lot. But..I'll bet I can do it. Even if I don't, at least I took a crack at it!
DA:  I'd like to take a crack at you...

Tonight, just before this post:

DA:  So are you happy now? My fingers are mush.
Polly:  We got it done, didn't we? Go us!
DA:  It's probably crap. I mean, who writes 10K in one sitting?
Polly:  It's great, and even if they don't take it, I'm sure some pub will like it.
DA:  I have callouses on my fingertips.
Polly:  Don't worry, as soon as we get done with our OGG post, you can go soak.

I've been very blessed, and so it's probably easy for me to feel positive. Most things that I have truly wanted in my life, I have been able to achieve. But which came first?

Very few things get me down for long. I always find a way to...

...discover the silver lining in the cloud...
...turn the lemons into lemonade...
...spot the rainbow through the storm.

I believe in looking on the bright side.

Yours very truly,
(Proud to be) Pollyanna