Treats and Tricks

By Lisabet Sarai

[Our topic this week deals with the comedic aspects of sex. I racked my memory, trying to dredge up a personal account that would qualify, but it seems that I've always treated sex rather seriously. As an alternative, I offer this seasonally inappropriate piece of short fiction, which hopefully demonstrates that even BDSM can be funny.]

****

"Which would you prefer, Mariah, the cane or the feather duster?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"Why do you ask? Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do. But you do have a way of twisting things around in unexpected directions."

"I thought you liked surprises. In any case, as your Master it's my responsibility to add a certain - ambiguity - to our interactions. To keep you on your toes."

"These ridiculous spike heels do that well enough."

"If I hear any more complaints or excuses, Mariah, I will make you very sorry. And I don't mean something you'd enjoy like a spanking or nipple clamps."

"I..."

"Mariah! Just answer my question. Now."

"Well... I choose the cane."

"Really? Why is that? You're blushing, you know. Tell me why you prefer the cane."

"Well - um - I think it will hurt more. And that it will please you more, to see me enduring that pain."

"But I asked what _you_ wanted. Not what you think I'd want."

"Mm..."

"What was that?"

"There's no difference, Master. What I want is to please you, to fulfill your every lust, to satisfy your desires before you are even  aware of them."

"Silly, romantic girl. You sound like a novel."

"It's the truth. I can't help it."

"So - " (Swish!) "you want the cane, do you?"

"Yes, Master."

"Last time, you remember, you couldn't sit down for two days." (Swish!)  

"I remember."

"Very well. Bend over and hold on to the edge of the table. Good." (Swish!)

"Ow -- oh! Oh!!"

"You're awfully slick, Mariah. The cane slides back and forth in your cunt as though it was greased."

"Uh...ooh..."

"Spread your legs a bit more. That's right. Now I can rub the bamboo right up against your clit."

"Oh, Master! Oh...!"

"I think that talking about the pain makes you hot. But what about  the pain itself?"

"Uh...ooh...I don't know."

"We should do some experiments in that area, don't you think? Oh, there's the doorbell. Some urchins come to extort their candy from us, no doubt. Get up and answer it, Mariah."

"What? Like this?"

"Naked, in high heels, with a cane wedged in your crotch? Why not?"

"Please, the neighbors are already suspicious about us. All the screams and so on. If I expose myself to their kids, they're going to report us. These days, especially, anything involving children is especially dangerous."

"Hey, you'd probably like it in prison. All those rough, nasty guards... Come on, Mariah, I'm only teasing you. Here, throw this over your head. Then go answer the door."

"But..."

"I'll give you butt! Don't argue. I swear, for someone who claims to be my slave you give me a lot of lip."

"I'm sorry, Master. But I must look like Casper with an erection."

"You do, rather. Never mind. Go give the grubby little devils what they deserve, then get back here."

"Yes, Master."

...

"So, who was it?"

"Two Darth Vaders, one Power Ranger, one Harry Potter and a most convincing Elvira, Mistress of the Dark."

"Hmm, sounds appealing. Should have invited her in."

"Master... ow!"

"Your nipples are like marbles, little Mariah. And how's that cane doing? Walk around a bit for me. Very fetching. But I think you're having a bit too much fun. Let me have it."

"Ooh...ah! Are you going to beat me now?"

"Perhaps. Would you like that?"

"Whatever you'd like, Master."

"Hmm. Is that so? So many possibilities... Go back to the table and bend over again. Thighs wide. That's right. Now, reach back and pull open your cheeks. Yes, very nice. So sensitive and vulnerable. I really should cane you, Mariah. You deserve it, for your insolence and your questions.  But..." (Zip!) "I'm just too indulgent to train you properly..."

"Oh...MASTER!"

...

"Master?"

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"The cane was delicious, a real treat. I was wondering what you planned to do if I had chosen the feather duster."

"Actually, I was going to break off the feathers and use the sharp quills to pierce the flesh around your nipples."

"No! Not really! You wouldn't do that! Would you?"

"You can never be sure, Mariah, can you? That's why you love me."

"Only one of the reasons, Master. One of many."
 

 

The Humor of Sex, or the Gospel According to Rose Nylund

This week's guest blogger for Oh, Get a Grip! is Kathryn Lively, publisher of Phaze Books. Kathryn is here to share with us her wisdom on humor and sex:

The scene replays occasionally in my mind. It comes unbidden, usually when I sit down with the intent to write a serious love scene. In a time before I understood the term cougar to mean something other than a sleek jungle cat, Blanche Devereaux nibbled on cheesecake and waxed nostalgic over her magical first…night…ever under moonlit magnolias with Bobby.

Or was it Billy?

Or Ben?

The name isn't important-even Blanche shrugged off the details of her faulty memory-but the point was that sex could be magical, and in some views funny. Not to be outdone, Rose Nylund related her own tale of innocence lost and capped it with the rhetorical question, "Didn't you think at the time…that was a funny thing to do?" That being putting Tab A into Slot B.

I should insert an aside here: if you are absolutely certain you are never going to have sex again, feel free to read the rest of this post. If not, the risk you take is your own. I'll accept no complaints of how I'm responsible for your mid-coitus snickering.

It's wise not to think too hard about Rose's question, because if you place yourself outside the act, strip away any trappings of high production value porn flick, you just might see that sex is a funny thing to do. It involves our funniest-looking parts, causes parts we wish didn't look so funny to move in funny ways and, if done too quickly or with too much force, it can result in funny noises and cause the mind to wander and think of unsexy things, like what is that fwapping sound and gads, what my ass must look like in this position.

We make funny faces during sex, it can't be helped. Remember that song "Turning Japanese"? You really think so? Apparently it's a term used to describe how a person's face screws up and winces during orgasm. Indeed, in my memory I can see the faces of former partners and how they looked hovering overhead, lips pursed and eyebrows arched. They turned Japanese, Laotian, Armenian…looking as though they should be sucking on Tums instead of…well, you know.

As we write about sex, we tend to bestow funny names on our private parts, because saying, "he put his penis into her vagina" is just too clinical, and is hardly indicative of the vast vocabularies we possess and wish to use so our English degrees don't completely go to waste. Why say vagina when pussy, kitty, quim, muff, channel, box, mound of Venus, weeping lotus, cradle of love, pink palace, nether lips, vertical smile, treasure cove, love-slick core, and font of womanly nectar relays the image with more clarity?

In our quest to breathe more life into this fantasy, a clitoris becomes a love button, and the penis a fleshy, throbbing rod. And, people don't simply orgasm in romance novels. A woman rides the wave of ecstasy until it crests, whereupon she crashes headfirst into the foamy shore and unleashes all pent-up frustration in the form of a glass-shattering howl. Her lover doesn't merely ejaculate, but grunts his release, pumping his sticky seed in or on her (depends on who you're reading), the image not unlike that of a fireman hosing down a burning office building. Thanks to the amazing ability authors display in ending chapters, there's no mess to clean up afterward.

Don't you think this is a funny thing to do? How long till we get to do it again? Hopefully for me, very soon. First, though, I need to prepare my petition to EPIC to add a Humor category to the EPPIE Awards. Got a nice sexy piece waiting for it.

***************************************

By day, Kathryn Lively is an editor and publisher. By night, Leigh Ellwood is an author. Visit both halves of the whole at www.KathrynLively.com and www.LeighEllwood.com. If you meet her on the street, it is advised not to make direct eye contact.

It Hurts To Laugh!

By Helen E. H. Madden

At the beginning of this week, Lisabet paid me a humongous complement by calling me funny. I'm glad she thinks I'm funny. Actually, I hope lots of people think I'm funny. I make my living, such as it is, by being funny. And let me tall ya, being funny is a lot of hard work!

Being sexy is also a lot of work, but not like being funny. Being funny is worse. People will put themselves through all sorts of torture to look sexy - think corsettes, high heels, bikini waxes, the hours spent in the gym with some sadist named Hans to get those bulging biceps and six-pack abs. All that stuff hurts, right? But humor exacts a far more painful toll. Mel Brooks once said, "Tragedy is if I cut my finger. Comedy is when I fall into an open sewer and die!" He was not joking about that.

Think about the last thing funny that happened to you. It probably wasn't funny when it happened, was it? But memory and the passage of time have a way of bringing out the humor in the most painful moments of your life. I often like to relate the tale of how I gave birth to my second child some years ago. Now that was painful, probably more painful than anything else I've ever done in my life. It was like pushing an object the size of a bowling ball out of a hole in my body the size of a grape. I tore of course, right up the front into the naughty bits. Any of that sound funny? No, you're probably too busy wincing over the whole tear-into-the-naught-bits thing to laugh, right? How about if I also mention that the drugs I was given for pain management did NOTHING for the pain, but did allow me to communicate with my dead grandmother and Attila the Hun? Yeah, that was a fun conversation. I'm trying to squeeze out a baby, I'm tearing into my clitoris, and I've got my dead grandmother standing to one side of me saying, "Honey, get off your ass and push!" And Attila the Hun is on the other side nodding and shouting, "Listen to Babushka! Push, woman, push! You must give birth to the entire Hun army" To this day, my husband and my obstetrician still wonder who I was talking to when I screamed "Will both of you fuck off!" in the delivery room.

Now in spite of the fact that I made specific, explicit mention of my genitals in that previous story, we still haven't achieved that which Lisabet praised me for earlier this week - sexy humor. It's not a hard combination to achieve, however. Remember, if comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die, and your mind already lives in the gutter, it really is a short trip to Ha-Ha Land. Still need a road map to get there? Start by recalling the most embarrassing moments in your sex life. Like the time the Hubster and I were trying out a complicated new sex position that involved him holding me upside down while kneeling so we could perform 69. I ended up with my head trapped in the nightstand, bare ass shoved in his face, legs splayed everywhere. And I couldn't get out of that position! It was humiliating, and even worse, my then-fiance, love of my life, couldn't stop laughing at my predicament and pointing at my exposed behind. Naturally, I blew up at him and it was a week before we had sex again. But that was years ago and nowadays I look back on that night and have to chuckle myself. I mean, it was kind of funny. And of course I remember that while playing racquet ball later that week, I did inadvertently get revenge on my husband by smacking him in the genitals with the ball. Twice. It was an ACCIDENT, I swear!

Other funny moments in my sex life. How about the time my husband and I were having sex in my college roommate's lazy boy and we broke the chair? After untangling ourselves and crawling out from the splintered remains of wood and upholstery, I found a dusty can of hash rolling around on the floor. Apparently someone else had broken the chair previously, knocking off a leg, and my roommate fixed it by propping it up with the hash. When I, still picking debris out of my ass, demanded to know why my roommate simply hadn't replaced the stupid chair, she stated, "First off, I'm cheap. Second, I don't have sex, so **I** certainly wasn't going to break the chair. Third, I sure as hell wasn't going to eat a can of hash, so what else was I supposed to do with it?"

It's amazing the things that I find funny about my sex life. I have suffered through broken condoms and infertility, quiffing and squirting breast milk into my husband's eye at the height of orgasm. I have fallen off the bed, out of the chair, and even once been dumped by a recalcitrant and poorly balanced coffee table, all while doing the nasty. I had a tent collapse around my ears while I screwed a man senseless. I even killed my husband once during a multiple-screaming-orgasm. Best sex of my life, I swear. But then while I basked in the after-glow, the Hubster's eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he collapsed on top of me, and suddenly I was screaming again as I tried to wriggle out from under him to grab the phone and call 911. Fortunately, he was only stunned, not dead ("He got better!"), and when he came to, he said, "Gee, that was great. I guess I should get up now, though, and get ready for karate class."

None of these events was funny at the time, but I'm betting you're all laughing now, and I say go ahead, laugh. Because A) turning my personal pain into humor is part of what I do for a living, and B) when it happens to you, I'll be laughing right back at ya. I promise };D

For more quotes on the definition of comedy, check here.

If you want a taste of my sexy funny writing, go here.

And to really see how funny I am, take a look at this place!

Jury is still out...

By Kim Dare.

I have been, for want of a better word, blessed with a rather British sense of humour. Some times it travels well. Sometimes it just makes anyone from outside the UK wonder what the hell I find so funny.

I suppose when it comes down to it, my sort of sense of humour revolves around sarcasm and a fine appreciation on the absurdity of “normality”.

I like the sort of one liners that will never make anyone roll on the floor laughing, but which just might make someone spray their coffee all over their lap top if they try to read and drink at the same time.

That’s the sort of sense of humour that tends to rub off on my characters – especially the submissives. That’s another thing about the British sense of humour, it only really works if it travels up the ladder rather than down it.

A dominant throwing one liners at a submissive tends to come across as cruel, even if he doesn’t intend to be. While they do get to have their funny and their sarcastic moments, those moments have to be carefully chosen – and the submissives have to find them just as funny as the dominant.

My submissives on the other hand – they can have much more latitude. Sometimes their dominants find the subs sense of humour funny, sometimes they find it endearing. Other times they are more likely to roll their eyes and wonder how the hell they managed to fall in love with such a brat.

Whatever my sense of humour is or isn’t, and regardless of whether or not anyone else finds it funny, I remember reading the submission guidelines of a few well known erotica publishers and finding out that erotic content and humour apparently don’t mix.

They pretty much made it clear that they weren’t interested in anything that might make anyone laugh. I pretty much crossed them off the list of places I was planning to submit to.

Maybe erotic romance is different? Maybe there’s more room for something that had a touch of the romantic comedy about it?

I don’t know. But I am going to find out.

In fact, this month, I may well find out quite a lot about this subject. Two of my stories that I find funny are due to be released over the next couple of weeks. I find them funny. So does my editor judging by the lol’s in the comments during edits :)

But will anyone else find them funny? Will it somehow spoil the story for them if they do?

We shall have to wait and see.

In the meantime, this is one of those jokes that appeals to my sense of humour.

It's not mine, but I wish it was...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
”Nurse,” he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again. “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

After examining them carefully for several minutes, she concludes: “There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much, nurse. That was wonderful. But listen very, very closely…

“A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?”

;)

Kim Dare.
Kink, love and a happy ending. Do you Dare?

Humor or no?

Like Lisabet, this is a topic that's made me squirm. Over the years I've been accused of having no sense of humor, a childish sense of humor and a dry sense of humor. Since I began writing, when I was a child, I've written exactly one humorous piece and while I did send it to several publishers/friends/editors and such, and got a variety of comments. And here, without any further ado, is a tiny piece of my humorous piece:

Dingus, an over-stimulated Horned Brillo Buzzer, was watching Muff and Cunny, also very stimulated Horned BB's, flying overhead towards home. Their sleek blue feathers enhanced the beauty of their slender forms. He thought to himself, 'I've got to do something, and fast or I'll never catch those two,' and so flew after them, being careful not to snag his growing Captain Standish on the branch as he took off.

What Dingus had failed to notice however, was that Muff saw him and told Cunny that he was following. While they both desired Dingus, they wanted to make sure that their joining would be a memorable experience for them all. Landing on the uppermost branch of the home tree, the two fems began planning, and stroking each other in preparation for Dingus' arrival. It was difficult to talk, as you can well imagine, beaks you know… as well as the rapidly growing excitement, but they managed to form a plan.

Minutes later Dingus clumsily landed, but to his dismay, he was quite alone. It seemed as if he was forever, that moment too late and was disheartened, but still incredibly stimulated. His mighty stalk protruded and throbbed before him, threatening to over balance him. (Dingus was a very well hung Horned Brillo Buzzer) Although he ached to pop a nut, he was also terribly tired of the touch of his own wing. So, gazing lustfully around, he searched for some alternative.

Low and behold, he found it, a knothole that reminded him of a furburger. With wicked glee, he approached, his crack haunter leading the way. The tip dripped and his danglers throbbed, he was beside himself with unmitigated desire.

Okay, okay, I'll take pity on you all. Needless to say, Dingus' Adventure never has been published.

I do love it when an author can add humor into his or her works. I'm slightly jealous too, but don't tell. My partner in crime, Jamie Hill has a knack for making her characters come alive, each one with a different sense of humor. Some are wicked and edgy, others are more innocent, while another has a more somber humor. Sigh, she's even added it into the stories we work on together.

Now, limericks I adore, yet even those I have real trouble putting together.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a c#%+ I would f@#* it!"

And another, cause I can.

There once was a man from Peru,
who fell asleep in a canoe,
while dreaming of Venus,
he played with his penis,
and woke up with a hand full of goo.

Did I put these together, you might ask. Well, unfortunately no, I've had these stashed on my computer for years. I've no idea where they came from but they're funny.

In real life, I've had a number of hilarious experiences, yet I rarely try to put them into the writing I love so much. I don't tell jokes, I married a man who can tell them by the hour and still makes me laugh hysterically. Why would I tell jokes when I have him around? Yet, there have been moments: making wild passionate love in the early morning when the little ones were supposed to be in bed, sleeping. In the throws of a mind blowing almost orgasm when a little voice asks, "Daddy, why are you making mommy cry?"

OMG! What a way to end a beautiful moment. No, she's still alive. I didn't kill her, but it may be that having my fella on top of me at the time is why.

Life provides us with a plethora (word of the day folks) of humorous moments, yet how many of us don't talk about them? I stumble over jokes, forgetting lines because I'm trying too hard. Knowing what I do wrong, doesn't help. Writing them, I read over what I've written and to me, it's just not funny. Doesn't fit the character, or the moment, or I'm just not sure.

So, Jamie Hill, Helen Madden and all you others who can dip into the humor pot and paint your work in dazzling jokes, I bow to you. And, I thank you for making my reading just that little bit richer and more interesting.

Who likes a bit of humor integrated in your sex?

Laugh, and the world laughs with you

by Jamie Hill

I've always said the first thing that drew me to my husband was a sense of humor. He made me laugh constantly. I can still say honestly that he continues to make me laugh just about every day. (Unless it's a realllllly bad day...we won't go there.)

I think I have a pretty good sense of humor. I used to be quicker with the comebacks when I was a bit younger. These days I find myself quipping the comeback to myself, long after the exchange took place. *sigh*

One of the things I love most about writing is coming up with the dialogue. Most of my characters have a sense of humor. Some have a dry wit, some droll, and many--especially the handsome cops, have an 'I've seen it all' sarcasm that I personally love. Not mean-spirited in any way, just funny, back and forth exchanges with their friends and lovers.

Yesterday I was spotlighted at the Erotic Horizon blog and she reviewed five of my titles, (and added some of the reviews she'd done for me previously.) Because I love to quote a good review, I'd like to reprint a couple things EH had to say:

Ms. Hill’s first book in the UNEXPECTED LOVE series starts off with NOTHING TO LOSE and what a blast. Bailey and Doug are so alike they have a hard time seeing the woods from the trees. With their determination and their argumentative nature, it’s little wonder either one can get a word in edgewise.

The characters are thrilling, the small town scenario is lovable and the sexual tension between these two is a pleasure to see unfolding.

I loved this book and will be reading the next in the series post haste.

About the second book in the series, EH says:

WORTH THE RISK is an absolutely hilarious second book, I have not laugh out loud like this in a long time. Sam and Sarah are at each others throats for a whole lot of reasons and in a whole lot of ways. In between all the angst they find the time to revert to the antics of their teenage year, without due regard for the teenager in their midst.

Jamie Hill at her absolute best, she certainly knows how to bring out the best of the human emotions. A fast pace book with not a dull moment. This one will be sticking around on my bookshelf for a long time to come. Highly recommended.

Nice, eh? Hearing that someone got a laugh or a chuckle from my dialogue really makes my day.

I just realized this is a really boring blog, with me sitting here telling you how funny I think I am. Well, some days you got it, some days you don't. Just take my word for it--I can be funnier than this.

If you'd like a free sample of my stories, Whiskey Creek Press - Torrid is offering my Torrid Teaser Windfall as their Free Whiskey Read this month. This is one of my earlier m/f works, but I still enjoy the verbal sparring between Misty and Derek. Check it out here

And now, a joke to start your day with a smile.

Who's Crazy?

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

*G* See you next week!