Ten Things That Turn Me Off

by Annabeth Leong

I want to talk about are things that interfere with my suspension of disbelief while reading romance and erotica, but I'm very aware that people's mileage on this sort of thing does vary. I operate by a certain set of beliefs as a writer, which I can talk about another time if it comes up. In this case, I'm talking about the stuff that bothers me as a reader—what makes me put books down because the spell has been broken. In at least a few of the cases below, it probably comes down to personal preference or experience, so please take this for what it's worth.

1. Alpha Male Jerkface

I almost wrote my entire disbelief post about how I can't personally believe that the alpha male jerkface is as popular as he seems. For a while, I thought this was some wrong-headed imposition on the part of publishers. Then I went to a couple conventions where I met tons of fans who are apparently into this loser and wish they could be with him. Holy Lord, the alpha male jerkface turns me off unless he is recognized as such. If someone is in his horrible clutches and suffering and crying for it, my fetish for extreme pain activates and I can be down. If they think he's romantic or sweet when he's actually being jealous, possessive, and borderline (or outright) abusive, I'm throwing a book across the room. It's not cute, and I can't believe in a hero or heroine who would really be swooning over that crap unless they have a boatload of life issues they're still trying to work out.

Since this is apparently one of the places where I have a strong personal preference that doesn't match the rest of the world, I'll add that I'm the child of an abusive relationship and I've been in abusive relationships myself. I've got a lot of education at this point about how to spot them, and I've got intimate, unfortunate, and painful knowledge of how badly they tend to turn out, even if they look romantic at first.

2. Lack of Protection

I know this one is controversial, but it is a serious, serious turnoff for me (I ignore it as best I can when reading the works of writer friends who believe descriptions of protection get in the way). If there's no protection, I need people to be in the sort of committed relationship where I can believe they've worked out birth control, or I need them to freak the fuck out while it's happening, or immediately after. Maybe it's my age, because I grew up post HIV/AIDS, but I just cannot picture blithely going without protection. I was shown way too many horrifying pictures of venereal diseases in health class. I also spent way too much time having fights with coercive guys who were claiming things like, "When I wear a condom, I could slam my dick in a car door and not even feel it," while I was thinking, "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, getting pregnant right now would be so fucking terrible."

This is not to say I've never had sex without protection, but I have always found it to be a stressful experience involving coercion or extreme drunkenness and great regret the following morning. It's the opposite of hot to me, and it destroys my ability to believe that characters are having fun. (It's a bit different for lesbian erotica—I'm less upset when people forego the dental dams. This probably has something to do with my memory of walking into a health clinic as a teenager, asking how lesbian safe sex would even work (my conservative high school hadn't taught us anything about non-straight safe sex), and being met with utter confusion).

3. Rapid Fire Orgasms

My body doesn't work this way, and I've never been with anyone whose body does. Also, descriptions of rapid-fire orgasms tend to get repetitive and boring anyway.

4. Extreme Athleticism

I find a number of sexual positions difficult and exhausting when I try them out. When I have sex in the shower, I'm usually distracted by my fear of a fatal accident involving slippery tile and my cracked-open skull. It can be hard, sometimes, for me to believe that characters aren't breaking something or falling on their asses. I give exceptions for people who are, say, trained ballerinas, but there are plenty of positions that I think normal people would find challenging, to say the least.

5. 69

Am I the only person in the world who finds that this position is mostly about trying not to choke? At best, it's very difficult multitasking. It often results in a sore jaw, awkward attempts to balance on one elbow, or a literal pain in the neck if I'm on top, or, if I'm on the bottom, trying really hard not to let my teeth go somewhere they're not supposed to go while my nose is buried in my partner's asshole. It's hard for me to believe people do this and enjoy it, based on my own experiences.

6. One-Night Virtuoso

Things that have happened to me during one-night stands: I think I'm good at sucking cock, but my lover totally loses his erection when I try it. I discover that the girl I'm going down on has her period and didn't bother to tell me, not even after I licked her blood-stained tampon string. The condom breaks and the guy I'm with spends a while whispering about how I'm so juicy and it feels so great, like he's not even wearing a rubber—and then we figure out that the condom is broken and freak the fuck out. A certain brand of condom gives me an itchy, terrible rash, and I dry up completely and have to go to the clinic the next day. The girl I hook up with at a party has secretly invited her boyfriend to watch. She also won't reciprocate and go down on me.

Those are disasters. I've also had plenty of experiences that were just plain awkward—bumping teeth and not finding the rhythm and coming too fast or not coming at all. I've had a couple amazing experiences where things just clicked right away, but they've been few and far between, and I'm skeptical of characters who are consistently virtuosic with people they've just met.

7. Women Who Get Raped and Decide 10 Seconds Into It That They Love It

I'll be clear that I read and enjoy nonconsent. I'm also a feminist with some strong opinions about rape culture. Stories that have women decide that they actually love being raped manage to piss me off on both counts, in opposite ways. When I'm looking for nonconsent, I want it to stay nonconsensual, because that's my fetish. If she decides she loves it, that's a total buzzkill for the fetish. As a person who is familiar with realities of real-life rape, it's just irritating bullshit to assert that a woman being raped actually wants it. I've read a few very fascinating explorations of the mixed feelings of a person with a rape fetish in a nonconsensual situation, but I'm not talking about that sort of sophistication here. In its blunt, simple form, this is more stupidity that makes me want to throw something.

8. Infinite Pain Tolerance (and its companion, Terrible Things That Don't Make People Cry)

When someone gets caned, like, 50 times full-out without passing out, my eyebrow climbs into my hairline. A lot of BDSM writing seems to involve very little understanding of how things actually feel or how much they hurt. This is a place where I really want realism, or an acknowledgement that the character in question is extreme for some specific reason. I'm also frustrated by flat emotional reactions to terrible dilemmas (another thing I've noticed a lot in bad BDSM writing).

9. True Submissives

Here's another thing I could write a whole essay about. I am incensed by the idea that certain people are "true submissives" and therefore are naturally inclined to do whatever they're told by a "master," without question or concern for themselves. Asking questions or looking out for oneself does not mean one is not submissive. People who do submit without question are taking part in very extreme behavior. If they are healthy, they do that knowingly, not under a lot of coercion about how a "true submissive" would just do as they were told. This riles me up because the "true submissive" phrasing is often used in a way that portrays abuse masquerading as BDSM. It destroys my belief because in most communities of BDSM players, people won't let that sort of thing fly (or, if they do, it's because something is wrong). Again, sophistication can help. Greta Christina, for example, has written interesting explorations of the line between abuse and BDSM, sometimes involving this sort of unquestioning submission. I'm talking here about non-sophisticated uses of the concept.

10. Things That Would Get Your Ass Arrested

I get distracted by descriptions of behaviors that I don't think a person could get away with in public. My disbelief is especially activated by types of coercion that are so blatantly illegal and visible that I don't think anyone would actually try them. I know people do get away with things and do abuse their power, I just prefer when stories recognize that a risk is being taken.

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There's my long post, set to maximum curmudgeon. I'm sure some of these things don't bother other people, and that there are things I love that would totally throw someone else out of the story. I'll be interested to see what people think in the comments.