By Ashley Lister
Personally, unless technological innovations improve my life in a fundamental way, they are of no use or interest. So, until technology reaches the stage where I can buy myself a bigger cock that ejaculates bank notes, I’m happy to stay in the comparative dark ages.
I was one of the last people in my social circle to succumb to pressure and buy a mobile phone. There were various reasons for my slow uptake of this technology. Primarily, I’m a cheap bastard. If I don’t need it, I’m certainly not going to pay for it. And I never saw the need for a mobile phone. I seldom use the landline (which, at the time, was only known as a humble phone). I don’t receive many calls, and I had rarely found myself in a situation where I was away from a nearby telephone but needed to talk with someone whose number I knew.
So I resisted. I only gave in and bought one after an unfortunate incident with a flat tyre. Even then, I bought the cheapest mobile phone available on a tariff that allows me to belligerently not use my mobile at a price that accommodates this natural parsimony.
(Funnily, this came about shortly after a telesales call where a young man had been trying to encourage me to buy a mobile phone. This was at a time when the newspapers were filled with stories about people suffering brain/ear problems because of excessive mobile phone use.
CALLER: Congratulations, sir. Your name has been selected to receive a free mobile courtesy of our company.
ME: Mobile phones? They give you ear cancer, don’t they?
CALLER: No, sir. We’re offering you a brand new mobile phone at-
ME: EAR CANCER! EAR CANCER! You’re trying to give me ear cancer! I don’t want ear cancer. Don’t make me have ear cancer.
The telesales caller hung up shortly after my outburst).
I also have issues with iPods: not sure why anyone would need or want one of the bloody things. Discussing this with a colleague recently, he stared at me as though I was an alien visitor.
COLLEAGUE: They’re great for listening to music whenever and wherever you want.
ME: But why would I want to do that?
COLLEAGUE: Don’t you like music?
ME: I like it. But I can manage to exist for two consecutive hours if it isn’t there.
COLLEAGUE: What about when you’re driving?
ME: I tend to concentrate on the roads, try to avoid accidents, that sort of thing.
COLLEAGUE: What about when you’re walking or exercising?
ME: You don’t know me very well, do you? I neither walk nor exercise.
We agreed to disagree. Well, I told him he was a technology obsessed ‘tard and he told me I was a Luddite. And he’s not the first person to call me that.
Yes, I use a computer. Yes, I use the internet, emails and other technological marvels However, I usually find I’m using technology that is not so much cutting-edge, as nearly-obsolete. My recent foray into trying the newest version of Microsoft WORD has meant that a dozen editors I work with regularly have written letters saying, “Why can’t I open this document?” It’s a clear reminder of a lesson that I thought I’d learnt well.
So, until technology produces a device that can make my cock bigger, and enables it to start spurting banknotes on command, I’m content to be a Luddite and live without all these modern innovations.