Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Brussel Sprouts Are Responsible For Everything

Seven things that suck:

1. Feeling like things suck even though they totally don't and not being able to shake it no matter how many tragedies you tell yourself you could be going through right now.

2. People being shitty to each other for no reason. Just knock it off, okay? What are you going to gain by being that shitty? All you'll do is remember the shitty thing you did forever and always feel guilty about it, unless you have no conscience and are an amoral robot who needs to DIAF.

3. Brussel sprouts. I almost feel embarrassed about the obviousness of this one. As though it even needs to be said! Everyone knows that brussel sprouts murdered my sister in cold blood. And to this very night, I hunt them with a steely determination and nothing but brutal vengeance in my heart. One day...one day I'll find them, and get the justice she deserves. Even though I don't actually have a sister and brussel sprouts are just a vegetable.

4. Planet X. We're all going to die in December when it crashes into us. But it's only fourth on my list cos brussel sprouts are clearly worse. I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out that they were behind Enron. Even though I don't really know what Enron was.

5. The fact that the movie star Chris Evan looks different in every picture he's in. How am I supposed to legit fancy him? He's like seven hundred different people. I feel like I'm cheating on him with him. In my head. Where brussel sprouts are also murderers.

6. Greed. I mean, what the fook, man? Do you really need twenty cars that are all virtually identical? Why do people need so much money for things they don't really want? I just spent £13.27 on a Lovefilm description and I swear to God it gave me orgasms. I'm almost late writing this blog post because I got so lost picking so many movies that the internet groaned under the strain. It's easily one of the best experiences of my life, and it's not even costing me anything yet. And this is before I've gotten into all the things that are actually free. Do you really need twelve billion dollars, Rupert Murdoch, to do the things you love? I'm pretty sure you could be a total fooker without all that money.

7. Assholes at work. If I had a penny for every one of my friends, relatives, casual acquaintances who'd encountered some asshole at work basically being that douche off Holiday Reps, I'd be able to purchase 800000000000 Lovefilm subscriptions. Or maybe I'd just give it all away to the people that people like Rupert Murdoch aren't helping. Either way, assholes at work really suck. It's like total sociopathic jerks just gravitate towards being the boss of crappy companies everywhere, so they can have the tiniest bit of power over the most innocent and hapless of people. I tell you what, dickhead bosses of the world: try not to make so many people's lives a living misery. Again, I say this unto the universe: IT WILL NOT HELP YOU. YOUR LIFE WILL NOT GET BETTER BECAUSE YOU WORKED OUT YOUR ISSUES ON SOME POOR UNSUSPECTING PERSON.

And that is the end of my list of things that suck. It's not definitive. Clearly there are a billion other things that suck in the world, too. But I guess all we can do is recognise that, and keep trying to make it not suck. Which I'm going to do now, by telling you all that you are orsum. You are orsum for reading this blog, you're orsum for putting up with that asshole at work. You're orsum for not being greedy, you're orsum for being kind.

I love you for all of those things, total stranger, brother, sister, friend.


  1. I like #5 most, but I'm clearly a brussel sprout assassin in disguise.

  2. Thanks, Charlotte, for unmasking those evil sprouts.

    I've always rather liked them, but clearly I was misguided.

    And boy, do I agree with you about greed. Just saw the film "Margin Call" - which maybe you can check out with your new Lovefilm subscription. Of course, it's all about greed, so maybe you might not want to...

  3. Charlotte, you are always hilarious.

    If you need an accomplice in your mission to stop the brussels sprouts in their tracks, pick me. When I was growing up, my mother believed in their goodness the way religious fanatics believe in praying several times a day.


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