by Giselle Renarde
|A candid portrait of Lexi Wood... on the can.|
Have I mentioned Lexi Wood? She's the sock puppet that came to life one night by the magic of porn and Chinese food.
Lexi knows what she wants. She wants:
- to live, rent-free, in my apartment
- to take over my computer even when I'm using it
- to write the filthiest smut I've ever seen
- to persuade me to spend my valuable time creating cover art for her stories
- to access all my publisher accounts in order to upload taboo erotica
She writes this... filth! There's no other word for it. All these stories are about coy virgins and brats getting fucked by their stepfathers. Yeah, okay, they want it (usually... or, eventually...), but my GOD. This shit's gonna get me in serious trouble.
And the more she writes, the more she wants to write. I can't get her to stop. No idea is ever dirty enough. She pushes the limits of propriety in one story, and crosses the line in the next... and pees in that general direction in the one after that! She picks up speed with every story, writing more frantically each day, putting in more words and dirtier words and never letting me check my email until 10 at night when she passes out on my couch.
I really have to keep an eye on Lexi Wood, because if I were to let her press "publish" on some of these titles, Amazon would probably close my account. Okay, here's one title I jotted down so I wouldn't forget: "Seducing My Sexy Stepdaddy in his Sleep." I convinced her to hide that one in an anthology to lessen the chances I'd be struck off for it.
LEXI! You're killing me, here. Your stories are wrong on so many levels--according to Amazon, at least--but you won't let up. Every day it's a new short. Every day it's another barely-legal teen getting deflowered by her (step)Daddy. ("step"--yeah, whatever you say, Lex.)
You're one sick puppet, Lexi Wood. Every story's smuttier than the last.
And the worst part?
Her work sells waaaay better than mine...