Thursday, March 5, 2015

Lexi Wood is taking over my life

by Giselle Renarde

A candid portrait of Lexi Wood... on the can.

Have I mentioned Lexi Wood? She's the sock puppet that came to life one night by the magic of porn and Chinese food.

Lexi knows what she wants. She wants:
  • to live, rent-free, in my apartment
  • to take over my computer even when I'm using it
  • to write the filthiest smut I've ever seen
  • to persuade me to spend my valuable time creating cover art for her stories
  • to access all my publisher accounts in order to upload taboo erotica
In case that wasn't annoying enough, she's recently started taking over my computer so often I almost never get to use it myself. She's always sitting there, bashing her sparkly little face against the keyboard.

She writes this... filth! There's no other word for it. All these stories are about coy virgins and brats getting fucked by their stepfathers. Yeah, okay, they want it (usually... or, eventually...), but my GOD. This shit's gonna get me in serious trouble.

And the more she writes, the more she wants to write.  I can't get her to stop. No idea is ever dirty enough. She pushes the limits of propriety in one story, and crosses the line in the next... and pees in that general direction in the one after that! She picks up speed with every story, writing more frantically each day, putting in more words and dirtier words and never letting me check my email until 10 at night when she passes out on my couch.
Lexi's got a thing for brats, these days. All I hear from her is "brat this, brat that." Her three most recent titles are: Owning the Brat, Watching the Brat, and The Brat Runs Home. The "Watching" one's about this college grad's stepfather hiding in her closet to watch her masturbate. Why, Lexi, Why?  She doesn't even know he's there (so it's kind of weird that she screams his name when she comes, but whatever)! That ain't right!

I really have to keep an eye on Lexi Wood, because if I were to let her press "publish" on some of these titles, Amazon would probably close my account. Okay, here's one title I jotted down so I wouldn't forget: "Seducing My Sexy Stepdaddy in his Sleep." I convinced her to hide that one in an anthology to lessen the chances I'd be struck off for it.

LEXI! You're killing me, here. Your stories are wrong on so many levels--according to Amazon, at least--but you won't let up. Every day it's a new short. Every day it's another barely-legal teen getting deflowered by her (step)Daddy. ("step"--yeah, whatever you say, Lex.)

You're one sick puppet, Lexi Wood. Every story's smuttier than the last.

And the worst part?

Her work sells waaaay better than mine...


  1. I hope you are enjoying her takeover in any case! And she's probably the fuzziest evil alter ego I've ever seen. :)

    1. She's actually extremely itchy. I knew her when she was a sock. She makes a better puppet.

  2. Giselle:
    This really explains a lot. It seems every time I go to Google+ you have two or three posts for newly released works. You are amazingly prodigious. Of course it's the puppet! Very funny!

    1. Yeah, that's another thing--she uses my Google+ account! Add that to the list.

  3. Would you like to ... er .. lend Lexi out? A bottle of lube and her imagination could go a long way.

  4. You're so lucky to have an alter ego who can make you write instead of checking your e-mail! I could use a dominant entity like that. And filthy to boot! (Although if we're talking about socks and boots, stinky might be a better term than filthy.)

    Which brings me to a question that's puzzled me for a long time. What do we mean by "filthy" when it comes to sex? It's clearly a plus in erotica to evoke feelings of transgression, but is there more to it than breaking a culture's arbitrary boundaries? I think I'm missing out on a lot with my knee-jerk reaction assuming "filthy" or "dirty" refers to unsanitary practices (which of course it often does, in erotica and porn, but not by any means always.) I'm not particularly opposed to unsanitary practices in fiction, and sometimes they're a real plus; occasionally I'm even disappointed to find that something billed as "filthy" is really pretty tame in the bacterial department.

    Don't mind me. I get these attacks of literalism now and then. It'll pass.

    1. Hahahahaha... oh, you just reminded me I downloaded a collection of Jeremy Edwards lesbian golden showers shorts. Can't wait to read that one.

      One thing I learned when I published mine... damn, what was it called? Lesbian Gold? I think. Wouldn't it be nice if I knew the titles of my own books?

      Anyway, what I learned was that British people love pee stories. Americans... not so much. Judging by sales.

  5. I'm speechless.

    However, I don't think you can blame Lexi for everything. "Nanny State", for instance, was one of the filthiest things I've ever read, and your name is proudly (at least I assume it's proud) on the cover.

    And re golden showers, I could see Jeremy as a transplanted Brit. He has some of that lord-of-the-manor, tweed-jacket, pipe-spoking gravitas. I didn't know he wrote lesbian smut, though!

    1. Oh yes, Jeremy writes very good lesbian smut, or at least erotica, if we're differentiating. He's even written stories for my anthologies.


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