Tuesday, March 3, 2009

BDSM, what the heck is that all about?

The stirrings of a young man’s heart when he sees his girlfriend bent over a fence. His thoughts, ‘God I’d love to tie her there.’

A girl sees a sexy movie dude kneeling at the foot of his faux lover’s bed, and that girl’s mind races with ‘bend over, bend over, I want to spank your ass.’

No ages given, none needed, your imagination can take you wherever.

BDSM, bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. Sounds a little scary doesn’t it? Perverse, abuse, sin, words bandied about to encourage those interested in the genre to hide it away. But, what is it really?

Some of us desire to either be controlled or to control another. It’s like any other passion, any other need. You don’t choose it, you are possessed by it. Why do you crave to be dominated? What makes you want to dominate someone? It’s like explaining why you’re heterosexual, or why you breathe.

There’s the safe sane and consensual aspect of BDSM, and we should all strive to at least understand what that means. Safe, means not to harm your partner so badly they need medical aid. Think about it. Safe: You want to use a flogger, learn how. Strike over the kidney too many times or too hard and you’re asking for trouble. Use a cane on a person’s spine and you can do major damage. Any bindings should be checked every few minutes to be sure circulation is fine. It’s always up to the dominate to make sure his, or her, submissive is safe.

Sane: Also more or less self-explanatory. Use your head, and that means a sober, non-drugged head. Alcohol is never a good idea if you plan on doing a scene. Possibly a glass of wine with dinner, but definitely not six just before you and your sexy playmate decide it’s time to get kinky. Always, always, think about what you’re doing, before you jump in.

There’s also the issue of, is a person looking for daddy’s approval through BDSM, or something like it. Is the person who wants to be ‘disciplined, sane? Is the person who is doing the disciplining sane? Things to think about before you get into the act. Yes?

Consensual: Both parties agree to whatever ‘play’ is about to take place. Yes, there are rape scenarios where one partner wants to be kidnapped and abused, but it’s always a good idea to at least discuss what that might include. I mean if Joe Swift wants his lady to bash him over the head and stuff him into the kiddies toy crate for an hour before she drags him out and molests his sweet butt for the rest of the weekend, it’d be pretty sad if she simply tied him to the bed and uses a feather on him. It’s not what he wanted and if she’s any kind of Domme, she’ll find out before the play begins. His consent is a must. I don’t mean in writing, unless that’s part of what you both want, but I do mean both partners have to know what’s going on.

Safe words: There’s been tons about this and how important they are. Well, sometimes they are. That depends on the people playing. Yes? We’re back to talking about all this stuff. If Sally wants her butt warmed, and Joe is willing to do it until she cries ‘Spank me no more brave Joe’ then there’s probably not huge call for a safe word. If the couple wants to have one, then go for it. If there’s a chance that the ‘discipline’ might be too harsh, then it might be an idea to discuss it. But, if Sally can yell, ‘fucking stop beating my ass,’ and be assured the Joe will, then they’re cool without one.

Communication is right up there as number one in any of this. But, that’s really true of any relationship, right? If you don’t talk to your partner, then how can you please them? Once you get past that awkward, I hope he doesn’t think I’m a pervert stage, the going should get really smooth and the fun will be even better.

Writing about BDSM! I guess you have to have an interest, whether it’s something you want to do or are simply curious about the whys and wherefores. There are dozens of websites where you can find good solid information, and if you don’t understand something, there are forums where you can ask. Do the research and ask the questions, I’ve found the BDSM community online to be incredibly helpful.

I’ve written about BDSM for years and enjoy it tremendously, even when it’s not a fetish or kink I’m into. For three years I wrote for a breast torture site and learned a great deal about the fetish and why it was so popular. I can’t say I’d want to spend time with needles inserted into tender bits, but I can understand the attraction. I also spent time writing for a spanking site and really enjoyed it. It’s all good, as long as there’s consent and people are safe.

I'd like to also note here, these are my opinions, and nothing more. I don't want to start any kind of fight or confrontation with anyone.

Now for a little tease from one of my books within the genre:


Taken from the story, Pink Ribbon,
one of the stories in my collection, 'Yes, Ma'am'

By Jude Mason

ISBN: 978-1-59426-894-6

Publisher: Phaze http://www.phaze.com


Buy Now

Blurb:

Rick Sebastian, successful attorney by day, eager slave to his wife/Mistress Cass after hours, is caged. He'd spoiled dinner, and while waiting for punishment, reflects on how he'd begun his strange and exciting journey into submission. His memories, and the arrival of Cass' friend, make for an evening to remember.


Content:
BDSM/contemporary/femdom/male submissive



Excerpt:

"There you are," Cass beamed. "Let me see what you've brought me." She stopped in front of him; her stiletto-clad foot an inch from his knee, the silky black stockings disappearing up her leg and out of his view. He'd seen no skirt. His erection throbbed noticeably. She bent down, and he managed to catch a glimpse of her as she picked up the flogger. Her tightly waved hair hugged her head like an ebony helmet, and accentuated her cheekbones and the line of her jaw. She hadn't worn a skirt. In fact she wore very little, a black satin slip dress and a red corset that cinched her waist impossibly tight.


A swish of leather close beside him had made him tremble.


"Did you touch yourself today?" Cass asked pointedly.


"No, Mistress," he'd replied in a rush.


"Did you ask the clerk in the store for help?"


Rick felt his face heat up and knew he was blushing. "Yes, Mistress.


Well, not exactly, one of them asked me, and I said I needed help."


"Excellent. What did the clerk look like?"


"Blonde, very pretty. She wore a lot of leather. Her name was Sabine. The other clerk called her that."


"There were two clerks there?"


"Yes, Mistress. The other one was a little older."


"And did one of them try the flogger?"


The heat in his face grew even hotter and traveled down over his chest. "Yes, Mistress, and I told her it was for my Mistress. She gave me a note for you."


"She did, where is it?"


"In the bag the flogger was in."


Cass retrieved the bag and pulled the note out, but didn't read it. "You did well." She stepped back and said, "Lean back, hands on the floor, push your hips up."


A moment later, the rumpled ribbon dangled from her hand and she'd dropped it to the floor. His cock and balls were free for the first time in a day. He desperately wanted to rub himself. His testicles moved upwards, itched so much that his inner thighs twitched in sympathy.


"I want you to have a shower now, and make sure you're shaved." Cass flicked the tip of his erection with a finger, and laughed when it twitched from side to side. His scrotum puckered, and his balls itched even more. "But, make sure you don't masturbate. I'll pop in sometime during your shower to watch. If I catch you playing with yourself, you'll get both a flogging and be denied an orgasm."


"Yes, Mistress," he'd replied.


Cass got to her feet, and added, "On your feet, but keep your legs apart."


Rick had climbed to his feet. He'd curled his fingers into fists to keep them away from his crotch. The frustration mounted even higher when he'd made his way to the bathroom. His genitals swayed, the air wafted around his balls.


He'd showered and shaved, paying special attention to his genitals. Even just being able to touch and pull at the skin eased his torment somewhat. Not enough though, and by the time he'd finished, he was as horny as he could ever remember being. The anticipation of what was going to happen was the culprit, and he tried not to think about what Cass had planned. But the more he tried to concentrate on something else, the more his mind refused, and came back to the days ahead.


Cass had come in, and sat on the toilet watching him as he shaved the stubble around the root of his cock. Running the safety blade over his balls, he'd pulled and stretched the skin, ensuring a clean shave. She chuckled when he groaned, and even offered to help him with his bottom. He'd turned off the shower, re-lathered and bent forward for her, and tried desperately to hold still while she ran the blade carefully between his cheeks. Done, she'd left him trembling and told him to make sure he rinsed well.


While he stood toweling himself, he'd heard the doorbell chime. His stomach tightened. Could he go through with it?


The bathroom door had opened. It was Cass, smiling, eager. "Now is your last chance to stop this. Once I take you out of here, you'll obey me or be punished."


His mind had been numb. Excitement and apprehension warred for a moment while he stood trembling on the white tiled floor. "Kiss me," he'd croaked. For that moment he'd felt vulnerable and alone, but when she came into his arms, his world felt complete and wonderful. She was his soul mate, his lady, and the only person in the world who understood him. She went into his arms, hers wrapping around his neck and pulling his lips to hers. It was his turn to take control, if only for a few moments of sheer bliss. Bodies melded to each other, tongues twined around the others, and breath mingled as they lost themselves in each other. Too soon the kiss ended. Neither moved for the longest time, but then it was as if a signal had been given.


Rick looked deep into his lady's eyes, and said, "Yes, I'm ready, Mistress."


Cass pulled out of his arms and took a deep breath. The bodice of her slip dress showed how erect her nipples were, and her chest above the silk dappled with a flush. "Heel me," she'd said, and turning, left the bathroom.


* * * *


I hope you've enjoyed the post. I'd really love to hear from you. Your opinions, outlooks or questions would be awesome.

Hugs

14 comments:

  1. Informative post, Jude. I agree with everything you've said (like I wouldn't?) and also agree that a lot of information can be found online.

    I went to several sites that are there purposely to post what you did, the safe, sane and consensual stuff. And I did visit more than one to make sure people in other places were pretty much in agreement about this stuff. I think they are, its just the degrees to which the play is carried out that differ.

    So I think when writing this, as long as a person keeps these basic rules in mind, and tries to get into the mindset of her characters, not having firsthand knowledge is okay. Like everyone always says, Stephen King doesn't kill people before he writes about it. (We don't think he does, anyway.)*G*

    Great post!

    Hugs,

    Jamie

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  2. Thanks, Jude! This is exactly why BDSM is so popular, both in truth and in fiction. There are so many books out there that do not follow the rules of consensual, safe & sane, etc. They write BDSM as some sort of punishment. The female in the play doesn't have a clue what the male is about to do. He is dark, even terse to her as he forces whatever act upon her. That is not true BDSM. I wish more romances had true BDSM in it and not just a guy trying to dominate the girl.

    Thanks so much for the post!

    ~Allie

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  3. One of my best friends was a female who wanted a sex change. She had a female sub. Once when we were at sea she used my satellite phone to call her. She was giving her instructions on what she was to wear and how she was supposed to act. She then had the sub talk to me so she would know that I heard every word.

    My friend talked to me, recommended books and web sites about BDSM and even picked out and watched DVD's with me.

    Your blog is very much like what I learned while hanging out with her while on a ship docked outside our home port.

    BDSM has always been a fantasy, but outside one girlfriend who was into all kinds of kink I've never been into it for real.

    Ray

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  4. As one who is a learning domme, I sit here at work laughing at the wife comments about yelling stop fucking beating my ass and Joe stops...this brings me to my point they say one should know what your toys feel like. Sooo was at a play party learning and had a lady top start. I told her my word would be fuck and that my back would bend and I was finished. She complied. I got some nice red marks that we took pics and learned quite abit and then some.

    Reading this made my day.

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  5. I think all these blogs are great. There is such a isconception about what BDSM is and the nature of D/s relationships. Almost everything I write has some BDSM in it, some more, others less, and the thing I always try to convery is...it's the relationship, folks. That's where it starts. If that's not solid, the rest doesn't work. I am so glad you all chose this as the topic this week. I'll have plenty to say when it's my turn on Saturday! *snort*

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  6. Jamie,

    Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment. I think you're right, knowing the basic rules is important, and can take you far when you're writing anything D/s. I also think having the writers empathy can also help. People, and I'm including our characters in here, make mistakes, forget or don't know everything. That's part of what I think you're extremely good at in your writing. Your characters are alive.

    Hugs

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  7. Hi Allie,

    Thanks so much for dropping in and commenting. In many ways I completely agree with you, there are too many stories out there, and chat rooms and forums, where the Dom is God. To me, that's so much horse poop. Yes, there are couples who want it that way and I say, more power to them. But, I believe they're in the minority. Most players are couples who have agreed that this is something they want to explore, together. Talking is number one. Being safe, taking their time, it's all part of what makes this kind of play wonderful.

    Yup, preaching to the choir. LOL

    Hugs

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  8. Ray,

    I was hoping you drop in and leave us a comment. I've known for a long time you were interested in the genre. I didn't realize it was something so close to you. I'm glad you've had the opportunity to dabble. I'm also glad you've taken the time to learn about it, no matter if you ever do get another chance to participate. A small satisfaction, but something worthwhile for sure.

    Your comments always make me thing. Thank you.

    Cuffs and Floggers

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  9. Lady D,

    Learning what your 'toy' feels is an important step. It gives you the knowledge of when it might become dangerous or mark when you don't plan to. Hope your toy appreciated the effort...LOL

    Thanks so much for giving us your input on the subject. I really love hearing from those who are learning or know more than I do.

    Hugs

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  10. Hi Des,

    You said, 'it's the relationship, folks. That's where it starts. If that's not solid, the rest doesn't work.'

    I couldn't agree with you more. The players might not be a couple, but they have to have an enormous amount of trust for anything D/s to work.

    Oh yum, I can't wait to read your post now. LOL Have fun and thank you for stopping by.

    Hugs

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  11. Great post, Jude! Thanks for explaining the ground rules of BDSM for people who might not be familiar with them. And I loved your excerpt. This is the part that really hit me:

    "For that moment he'd felt vulnerable and alone, but when she came into his arms, his world felt complete and wonderful. She was his soul mate, his lady, and the only person in the world who understood him."

    The world might think you are evil, perverse, lower than dirt for what you desire. But your mistress or master understands you and what you want, and loves you enough to give it to you. It works the other way, too, don't forget. The sub's surrender is a true gift to the dominant.

    Warmly,
    Lisabet

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  12. Hi Jude,

    Great intro to the topic. I think you're right that any scene thrives or fails according to the dom and the subs ability to communicate with each other.

    Great excerpt. I haven't written a female dominant / male sub for ages. Now you've got me itching to return to the genre :)

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  13. Lisabet,

    You make an excellent point. A submissive who surrenders his or her 'self' to their dominant is giving the greatest gift one can give to another. To have the strength and courage to allow someone else to completely control what's happening to you is enormous. Even to admit to another person, knowing they might think you're odd, at the least, is a huge step.

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

    Hugs

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  14. Hi Kim,

    Glad I could pinch the muse a little. LOL Thank you for stopping by and commenting.


    Hugs

    ReplyDelete