The Five Hundred Dildoes of Sweet Granny Franny

In a little white house
On Mulberry Lane
lived a quiet young couple
named plain Dick and Jane

A house that was white
A life that was plain
was life as they knew it
on Mulberry Lane.

One morning when Jane
Was scrubbing the floor
She thought is this all there is?
I thought there’d be more.

We just go to our jobs
We just screw and we eat
I feel like a big blob
I feel like a big cheat.

Then came a loud bump!
And a knock on the door
"I’ve got it!" Said Dick
as Jane scrubbed the floor.

A man was there dressed
In brown with a truck.
"Are you Dick and Jane?
If you are, you’re in luck.

If you truly are Dick
Not Melvin or Manny
If your wife is named Jane
And not Phyllis or Annie
I have a big box for you
From your dear Granny Franny.

Your granny it seems
she's gone to her maker
she left you this box
now sign on this paper."

Dick signed on the paper
the man drove away
"What is it?" called Jane.
"So what did he say?"

"It's my rich Granny Franny
she's just passed away."

"What is it?" said Jane
"So what did she leave you?
A house? Or some money?
Some land? Or that emu?

"Did she leave you her emu
she won playing cards?
Did you leave you that
barn full of valuable cars?

"Did she leave us her
Victorian porcelain dolls?
Did she leave you that Van Gogh
to hang on our wall?"

Dick opened the box
and he reached down inside
what he grabbed in his hands
grossed him out and he cried-

"There are dicks in this box!
Its a box filled with dicks!
Its a box filled with peckers!
Its a box filled with pricks!

"There is no Van Gogh
or red Lamborghini
its a box full of dildoes!
Five hundred fake weenies!"

Dick began dumping the dicks on the floor
One dick, two dicks, three dicks, four!

Red dicks, green dicks, brown dicks, blue!
fat dicks, thin dicks, old dicks, new!

One dick, two dicks, three dicks, four!
tricky dicks, sticky dicks, slicky dicks - more!
doo-hicky dicks, icky dicks, quickie dicks -more!

five stick chick dicks
six sick slick thick dicks

hot dicks, cold dicks, Arab dicks, Jew dicks
gay dicks, straight dicks,
voo-doo-hoo-doo Hindu-doo-dicks

Jane picked one off the floor,
"Look at this dick, Dick -
it's bigger than yours!"

There were dildoes that buzzed
There were dildoes that swelled
There were dildoes that dingled
There were dildoes that smelled

One dildo was shaped
like hands saying grace
One dildo was shaped
like George Clooney's face

There was a dildo of iron
that gave quite a thump.
There a plumulaceous dildo
that plugged in your rump

There was a very long dildo
to be used at both ends
there was a two headed dildo
to be shared with a friend.

There was a big Turkish dildo
that smoked like a hoo-kah,
and a G.I. Joe dildo
built like a bazooka.

There were dildoes for ladies
there were dildoes for men
a toy dildo for Barbie
a toy dildo for Ken.

"I do not like them!" cried Dick
Not one little bit!
They're driving me crazy,
get rid of this shit!"

But Jane did not hear him
no Jane, she did not
Jane already had one
vibrating her twat.

Her body it pleasured,
her nipples it firmed,
her body it spasmed,
her body it squirmed.

Jane began moaning
in ineffable bliss
Jane had dildoes dildoting
in each orifice.

Jane had dildoes above
and dildoes below.
She had one in each ear
and two up her nose.

"These dildoes they're lovely!
These dildoes they tickle!
Here's one for you Dick -
shaped just like a pickle!"

"I do not like them!" cried Dick
"No, not in my house
I do not like to see them
vibrating my spouse."

"But these are sublime -
dildoes are fantastic!
dildoes are divine!
dildoes are dildastic!

They've got me a-tingle
from my teeth to my toes
I can't help if my body
just loves these dildoes!"

"Dildoes are for dykes!
Dildoes are anomolous!
Dildoes are for perverts!
Dildoes are abominous!"

"Oh Dick, you're a dick.
You make it sound sick.
this thing turns me on
it turns me on quick!"

"Well - then lets give them away
lets share with the poor
pack them all right away
send them out the front door.

"to the old folks home
and all of its patients
to the staff of Fox News
to the United Nations."

"But Dick! Just think -
hey, this one is pink -
But what if we used them
only we alone
but what if we used them
when we are at home?"

"I would not use one!
Not even at home!
I would not use one
not even alone."

"But would you use one in the dark?
But would you use one if we parked?
But would you use one with a goat?
And could I stick one down your throat?

But would you use one if we prayed?
But would you use one on a stage
where we both used them in an act
with female Chinese acrobats?"

"I do not like them near or far!"

"Oh do me with one - here they are!"

"I do not like them here or there
I do not like them anywhere
I would not use one in the dark
I would not use one if we parked
I would not use one in an act
with female Chinese acrobats!"

"But may I put one in your ass?"

"C'mon Jane, don't be a spaz."

"But may I put one in your hair?"

"You may not put one anywhere!"

Then came a loud knock
A loud knock on the door
As Jane began hopping
Around on the floor.

Not one knock
Not two knocks
Not three knocks
But four!

Rat a tat tat tat
Came the knock on the door.
As Dick went to answer,
He muttered and swore.

"It's these fucking dildoes!
My house they now haunt.
He flung open the door
"Yeah - what do you want?"

The hand that was knocking
Was attached to a man
An old man in a suit
With a beard and a tan.

A man was there dressed
In a smile and a tux.
"Are you Dick and Jane?
If you are, you’re in luck.

"If you truly are Dick
Not Richard or Ricky
If your wife is named Jane
And not Janet or Vicky

"I’m from the Smithsonian
The world’s biggest museum.
Anything that’s worth seeing
That’s where you can see ‘em.

"I know who you are
I know very well
I came here to see you
You have something to sell.

"You’re the man I must see
Now if I have your attention
Your Grandma bequeathed you
a rare dildo collection.

"We’ll make you an offer
A good offer you’ll see
A ga-zillion ga-dollars
A ga-zillion tax free!"

Dick was so astonished
He whooped and he wheed!
"A ga-zillion ga-dollars!"
And in his pants he did pee.

He shook the man’s hand
He shook the man’s wrist
He punched himself
In the face with his fist.

Well, Dick he was happy
But Jane disagreed
"But what about me?
I’m exploring my needs.

"My needs are complex
My needs are erotic.
My needs are orgasmic
My needs are exotic.

"My view it has grown
new vista’s now beckon."
"Now see here, Jane," said Dick
"A ga-zillion I reckon,

"buys a lot of nice things,
It's the yellow brick road
to the life that we’ve dreamed
and with lots of dildoes."

Now Dick and now Jane
Have moved off to France
Where they have a Villa
And life’s filled with romance.

But once in a while
When Dick isn’t home
Jane frightens the cows
So loudly she moans
With her solid gold diamond
Encrusted dildoes.