Thou shalt not shag

by Ashley Lister

I remember hearing a priest on the radio condemning nudists. His words were, “If the good Lord had intended us to go around naked, we would have been born that way.”

It’s impossible to argue against logic like that. It’s impossible to argue against religion.

Personally I’m not much of a believer. I have a difficult enough time keeping track of fictional worlds, real worlds and royal payments. Trying to focus on another realm of consciousness will seriously impede my opportunities for watching Dexter, 24 and anything else good that appears on the TV.

Perhaps the 10 Commandments could be rewritten to take into account modern issues?

Thou shalt not smoke.
Thou shalt not binge drink.
Thou shalt not shout ‘wanker’ at another driver who cuts you off.

It would mean trimming some of the other commandments, but a lot of them are redundant anyway. We can certainly lose the tenth commandment.

Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s ass (etc).

Without coveting, capitalism would be in a pretty piss-poor state. Coveting is what’s made this world successful for corporate businesses. If I didn’t covet laptops, cars, DVD sets and book collections whole industries would collapse. I really don’t think it’s wise to dissuade humanity from coveting.

9, 8, 7 and 6 are the important ones. These are the commandments that cover lying, stealing, murder and adultery.

I sometimes wonder about those four commandments, and what it says about God’s lack of faith in his creation. Do religious followers really need a rule that tells them not to murder? The rest of us treat this as a given.

I’m a member of a poetry society. We have some rules to ensure events are orderly, and help things run smoothly. No adult material in the family-friendly first half of the event. Try to limit your performance to one poem if possible. That sort of thing.

We haven’t yet told members that they’re not supposed to kill each other. I didn’t think this needed writing down. It’s the same story with lying, stealing and screwing around. We haven’t told members not to do these things. Fortunately, there aren’t many religious types in the group so murder, lying, stealing and adultery haven’t become issues yet.

I could go on. But I have a sneaking suspicion George Carlin has covered this territory before me.

I certainly think we need one new commandment that clarifies the religious position on sex. Something that says, ‘Thou shalt not shag.’ Admittedly, it’s not as erudite as the originals. But it gets the point across and applies to all sexualities, except for celibates, who are already obeying this one. (Celibates will look on this commandment the way the rest of us non-religious types look on the commandment Thou shalt not murder. Celibates will look at the commandment and think, “Well, I wasn’t going to do that anyway!”)

Sex is a sin. It’s fun and it gives pleasure to people. How on earth could an organised religion condone such heresy? I can almost hear that radio priest rephrasing his lines to make the message appropriate for this subject. “If the good Lord had intended us to enjoy sex, he would have made it pleasurable.”

And how can you argue with wise words like those?