Friday, August 8, 2014

The Book I'd Like to Write

by Spencer Dryden

The Book I'd Like to Write
I've been married to an attorney too long. They parse words, like what the meaning of "is", is. The book I'd like to write. Hmmmm. The call did not specify how likely I am to ever write the book. My response requires parsing from the impossible, the improbable and the hopeful.
Of course, the book I'd like to write is: "How I Made Millions Writing Erotica in My Spare Time". Two more come to mind, sure to be best sellers in the guy world: "Pick-up Lines That Never Fail", and the sequel, "How to Give Her a Screaming Orgasm Every Time".
If I do write the last two, they will be pretty short books. The only pick-up line that ever worked for me I used in the least likely place for a successful pick-up—a sauna. I saw this beautiful young woman and I tried my best line, "Hi, my name is Spencer." It worked. We've been married for 25 years. But it turns out ,she had already decided I was "the one", so I guess any line would have worked. As far as the second book goes, buy her a wand vibrator-can't miss with that.
Hopefully, I'll be releasing "The Gueschtunkina Ray Gun" some time in the near future. One blast from this mythical weapon puts a woman into a state of extreme sexual arousal. If I can get it commercialized as a sex toy, I will be writing a book about my millions.

Shift from the impossible to the improbable. I became an at-home dad by accident, but stayed at it by choice. Once, I wanted to become a male Erma Bombeck, but that idea died under a pile of dirty laundry. Now it's all a blur, I can't recall the events or the parenting insights I had. I did my best every day, but on a lot of days my best wasn't very good. My boys have turned out to be fine young men. My book, "How to Raise Boys in The Brave New World" comes down to a few simple things not long enough to turn into a book: 1) Don't kill anybody, 2) tell them you love them and are proud of them every day, 3) you'll never punish them for telling the truth.
Having eliminated the impossible and the improbable, I'm left with the somewhat likely. In all honesty, I hope I'm already writing it. I am a guy who likes to tell stories. You won't see anything from my hand that wins awards for prose, but I am sincerely trying to bring forward a different take on male erotica that features humor, heat and tenderness. In the real world, I think its safe to say that most of us guys sincerely desire to please our women partners but we really don't know how and we aren't very good at talking about it. I say, the only way a guy gets better at sex, is if a woman teaches him, gently, so as not to bruise his fragile ego. That's my story.
Many of my little tales feature a common theme of a woman helping a man understand how to please her sexually. My hope is that a man reading it might have his mind opened, or a woman reading it might pass it along to her man as a way of beginning a conversation. It's probably as ridiculous a hope as writing "How I Made Millions..." or perfecting the Gueschtunkina Ray Gun.



  1. Very amusing, Spencer! "The Gueschtunkina Ray Gun"?? Yiddish, perhaps? Are you channeling Mel Brooks?

    When I was younger all it took was me looking at your face, your ass, and your fingers and deciding if I wanted to. Of course I got called a lot of nasty names. I think the patriarchy has created so many problems for all of us, women and men alike. Women, because we get called names when we do what we want to do, or raped when we don't. Either way we're sluts and everything is our fault. Men, because they don't get to enjoy uninhibited sex with women who are too afraid of being called names. Very few women are brave or oblivious enough not to care.

    Honestly, I get so tired of that old canard about men wanting it all the time, having to beg their wives. The only time my husband has ever been on his knees is when he wanted to be. Remember, men need to make love to feel loved. But women need to feel loved to make love. Treat her right and you'll get laid.

  2. Fiona:
    I channeled Mel Brooks-sort of. He made up schwanzstuker for Young Frankenstein. I'm originally from Milwaukee, WI (USA) from a very ethnic German family. The word gestunken literally means smell, as in stink. I would hear someone say 'ach gestunken'. I kept playing with the sound and anglesized the spelling so it is pronounced pretty much as it is spelled. It's meaningless but I wanted it to sound like a German word.

    In another recent blog I said I want to ask God, Mother Nature or Darwin, "what were you thinking?" It's amazing that men and women ever get it on given how different we are about sexual triggers.

    Thanks for your thoughts.

  3. The problem is in our heads. In how we relate to the world at large and whether or not we care what anyone thinks. When we're young we have the bodies for great sex but not the minds. You want to truly have great sex with a woman, you gotta realize you need to play with her greatest sex organ: her mind. The brain is truly a sex organ for both men and women, learning to use it appropriately is the key to great sex no matter age or physicality.

    1. Thanks Mikey. As usual you hit the nail on the head with a sledge hammer. Okay so where were you when I was 19, still jail bait I suppose. :)

  4. Aloha spencer.

    Great blog thanks. :-). I love your various books you'd like to write. :-). Very clever. :-).

    I want to write books that connect with people's heart and souls. I like the relationship between people at the end of the day. I think you wan to get that across in your stories too.

    I love your one pick up line that worked. :-). I think it comes back to that perspective we talked about on our other blog this week with the sex tops we wrote.

    It's the perspective between men and women. The way we approach things. I've never gone for a pick up line. I'd always go for 'hi my name is...'

    And some lovely eye contact. A great smile from a man. Now that's a thing that woudk work for me. :-) so that brings me back to the question of: why do men think they need to use pick up lines. There's a whole blog in that.

    We should talk about that. :-)

    The make thinks he needs to come up with something clever. Whereas we'd go for a nice smile and a name.

    Is it male ego? Or do we women seem much more complicated than we are and you think that without the equivalent of the Olympics opening ceremony speech - we won't be interested.

    It's on our list. I want to talk about this in out blogs. :-)

    Anyway I enjoyed this blog. Thanks. It brought up some interesting thoughts.

    Aloha Meg Amor. :-)

  5. Thanks Meg:
    I don't know where we get the need for a 'line' I guess it's listening to other guys. I'd love to do a thing about the outrageous lines I heard from women when I was single. They were much better than male lines.

  6. Hi, Spencer,

    I think your message gets through loud and clear. I love your (almost worshipful) perspective on women and sex.

    Back in my sex goddess days, I began to realize how grateful some men were when a woman agrees to have sex with them. From what I could tell, almost all men felt really deprived. Even my husband, who had an amazing number of lovers before we met, tells me that he never really got enough sex.

    I saw that indulging my own desires actually gave me a lot of power over these guys. I really had to wonder what women they'd encountered previously. Was every other gal in the universe either uptight or frigid?

    Anyway, I had a fine time ... and I was lucky in that nobody did me really wrong, or accused me of being a slut - at least not in anything other than an affectionate way.

    You and I are almost the same age. Too bad we didn't meet way back when!

    1. Lisabet:

      LOL! Thanks for the comments. If we had met earlier you would have missed the great adventure you've been on and I would have missed connecting with the love of my life. What I love about writing fiction is I can sleep with any woman I want and my wife isn't bothered.

  7. Spencer, I couldn't tell--are you really working on writing Gueschtunkina Ray Gun? I hope so!

  8. Sacchi:

    The short story, "The Gueschtunkina Ray Gun" was one of the first pieces I wrote. A condensed version was published in the Anthology "Sex Toys 2" edited by F. Lenora Solomon at Ravenous Romance. The editor eliminated some backstory I felt was critical for setting up a series. I did not give away exclusive rights so I have been thinking about self publishing the uncut original. I commissioned some cover art and recently had the cover artist do the little banner which appears here. I have written a second installment and started a third. I want to have three installments before I go to press.

    As far as commercializing the gun itself, I have entertained the notion, but I have no idea how to present it to a sex toy manufacturer. It's not too clear in this photo but I had the artist make the tip of the gun look very similar to the head of a penis. The "real" gun uses trans cranial magnetic stimulation to achieve its result. TCM is unproven science but our shadow government was once actively involved in developing the technology for cyber warfare. I envision a battery powered vibrator. Crazy? E.L.James has product endorsement deals. Why not me? Of course there is the matter of the millions of copies of my book I haven't sold yet.

    Thanks for your interest. Would you like me to put you on the pre-order list? :)

  9. Spencer, Your sense of humor will win them over every time. :-)

  10. I've enjoyed the various iterations of ---what is it ? Gueschtunkina? Wish you success with that fun concept.

    And as far as lines went, enough of them failed to make me wait for a woman's interest, and let her have the first line. I usually went for it, hook line and sinker, as they say.

  11. Thanks Daddy:
    Yes you have it right.
    As far as lines go, by far the best was, "The next time I see you, I'm going to get your clothes off of you."