The Book I'd Like to Write

by Spencer Dryden

The Book I'd Like to Write

I've been married to an attorney too long. They parse words, like what the meaning of "is", is. The book I'd like to write. Hmmmm. The call did not specify how likely I am to ever write the book. My response requires parsing from the impossible, the improbable and the hopeful.

Of course, the book I'd like to write is: "How I Made Millions Writing Erotica in My Spare Time". Two more come to mind, sure to be best sellers in the guy world: "Pick-up Lines That Never Fail", and the sequel, "How to Give Her a Screaming Orgasm Every Time".

If I do write the last two, they will be pretty short books. The only pick-up line that ever worked for me I used in the least likely place for a successful pick-up—a sauna. I saw this beautiful young woman and I tried my best line, "Hi, my name is Spencer." It worked. We've been married for 25 years. But it turns out ,she had already decided I was "the one", so I guess any line would have worked. As far as the second book goes, buy her a wand vibrator-can't miss with that.

Hopefully, I'll be releasing "The Gueschtunkina Ray Gun" some time in the near future. One blast from this mythical weapon puts a woman into a state of extreme sexual arousal. If I can get it commercialized as a sex toy, I will be writing a book about my millions.

Shift from the impossible to the improbable. I became an at-home dad by accident, but stayed at it by choice. Once, I wanted to become a male Erma Bombeck, but that idea died under a pile of dirty laundry. Now it's all a blur, I can't recall the events or the parenting insights I had. I did my best every day, but on a lot of days my best wasn't very good. My boys have turned out to be fine young men. My book, "How to Raise Boys in The Brave New World" comes down to a few simple things not long enough to turn into a book: 1) Don't kill anybody, 2) tell them you love them and are proud of them every day, 3) you'll never punish them for telling the truth.

Having eliminated the impossible and the improbable, I'm left with the somewhat likely. In all honesty, I hope I'm already writing it. I am a guy who likes to tell stories. You won't see anything from my hand that wins awards for prose, but I am sincerely trying to bring forward a different take on male erotica that features humor, heat and tenderness. In the real world, I think its safe to say that most of us guys sincerely desire to please our women partners but we really don't know how and we aren't very good at talking about it. I say, the only way a guy gets better at sex, is if a woman teaches him, gently, so as not to bruise his fragile ego. That's my story.

Many of my little tales feature a common theme of a woman helping a man understand how to please her sexually. My hope is that a man reading it might have his mind opened, or a woman reading it might pass it along to her man as a way of beginning a conversation. It's probably as ridiculous a hope as writing "How I Made Millions..." or perfecting the Gueschtunkina Ray Gun.