Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Crying Out in Ecstasy

I have a confession to make — I’m a very quiet guy during sex.  So quiet that my sexual partners have asked me if I was actually enjoying myself.

For someone who is an introvert by nature, who is naturally a very quiet person, I don’t need verbal exclamations to have a good time in bed.  If anything, allowing myself to be as quiet as I naturally am, by allowing myself to actually be myself, I find I enjoy sex in complete silence.  There’s something to be said for the intuitive movement and interaction of bodies, of engaging in the most primal of acts with an unspoken connection.

But for someone who’s not an introvert, or for someone who is not as confident in bed, that utter silence can be unnerving and intimidating.

Plus, there is the fact that moans and groans and swears and dirty talk turn people on.  (Actually, I like hearing these things from my partner, even though I don’t naturally make these noises myself.)

It’s taken some time, but I’ve learned to be more vocal in bed.  I’ve had to force myself to gasp and moan and cry out with words like “fuck”.  It felt so awkward at first, like I was playing a role that wasn’t true to myself, like I was pretending to be someone else.  But at the same time, I knew it was something that I needed to do.  Sex isn’t just about pleasing myself, it’s about pleasing my partner just as much.  And my partner generally needs these vocalizations to know that he is making me feel good, to encourage him to go faster and harder, for him to continue what he’s doing.

It took some experimentation to get it right.  I recall one time I was toying with being more aggressive and I blurted out “Fuck my hole!” — and my partner and I just burst into giggles.  I didn’t repeat that again.  I’ve also had to experiment with saying my partner’s name in the midst of ecstasy, but it just doesn’t feel as natural or sexual as a moaned “Fuuuuuck….”

This experimentation has been interesting as an author of erotic stuff, too.  To have no dialogue in a bedroom scene makes it boring — but to have too much, or to have unsexy dialogue just ends up killing the scene.  There’s nothing sexy about what reads like a casual conversation over tea while your characters are in the midst of a heated encounter.  (There are some exceptions, like a sex scene in which the characters must be utterly silent for fear of being caught.)

If anything, I think this exploration of dirty talk in my writing has helped me in real life.  In my writing I’ve been able to explore different types of exclamations — shouting a name, swearing, moaning, demanding certain sexual moves, and more — and with the safety of it being text on a screen, I can hit the backspace key if it doesn’t feel right.  Writing dirty sex dialogue has helped me hone what’s hot and what’s not — which has then stuck with me and carried over into the bedroom.

I’m still pretty quiet during sex, preferring not to do much more than some heavy breathing, perhaps, but talking, moaning, and swearing no longer feel so utterly awkward and strange like they used to.  For me, crying out in ecstasy is still a conscious thing — I think about what I want to say before actually saying it.  Maybe, one day, it’ll be automatic, I’ll be getting it so good that I’ll blurt out some dirty phrase and it’ll turn both me and my partner on.

Until then, I’ll keep refining my sex dialogue in my erotica.  ;)

Cameron D. James is a writer of gay erotica and M/M erotic romance; his latest release is Go-Go Boys of Club 21: The Complete Series.  He lives in Canada, is always crushing on Starbucks baristas, and has two rescue cats.  To learn more about Cameron, visit http://www.camerondjames.com.


  1. I once had a fuck buddy who was ... Well, you've heard of screamers? This gal was a hollerer. Or maybe a yeller. In fact, the first couple of occasions we *could* have gone at it at parties, she said she was too 'vocal' to go into a bedroom with other people in the house. That was an understatement. When we finally did the deed, I expected the neighbors to call the cops, she was so loud. "Fuck me! Fuck my pussy!" she'd shout in perfect diction, yelling a lot of other of obscenities during the acrobatics. The surprise dialed the intensity down for an instant, but after getting used to it, it became quite erotic to have her yell what she was feeling with such intensity. Hmmm... Maybe an idea for a story?


    1. I can definitely imagine you writing a fictionalized version of this!

    2. Hehe -- I did have a loud moaner once -- and my neighbour was right outside my bedroom window (as that's where his garden was). I got the guy to quiet down real quick.

  2. Great take on the topic!

    I find writing sex scene dialogue really difficult, actually. It never sounds natural. Personally, I also don't tend to talk or yell much during sex--it's more moaning, sighing and non-semantic "Oh yeah...!" However, as you probably know, writing a scene with lots of "Oooh--aw--ah--Oh, God...Uhn--unh..." gets to sound a bit silly.

    I think believable, hot dialogue during sex takes a lot of skill. Certainly it's an art I haven't yet mastered, in sixteen years of publishing.

    1. I CONSTANTLY struggle with sex dialogue! I find it's usually something you'd never say in real life, but somehow it fits for the characters...

  3. Writing with an intense focus on s single character, either in first person or third, helps to get around the dialogue question. I tend to zero in on the point-of-view character's train of thought (morphing into pure train-of-sensation) during sex scenes to show how she feels. Of course this still means a certain degree of sound effects are necessary, especially from her partner(s).

    1. Some of the hottest scenes I've read had little or no dialogue -- so I think it's all in how you pull it off. :)

  4. Yeah, really interesting take on this topic. I like how you emphasize that sexual noise can become part of the general sexy atmosphere. I wonder if you've ever been with someone with a nature like your own, who shared your tendency toward silent connection? That sounds quite intense and hot to me. For myself, I make a fair bit of noise, but the one thing I've always felt silly doing is crying out someone's name. It feels very weird.


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