by Daddy X
Here are
two flashers from Flash Daddy and two
that didn’t make the cut for obvious reasons.
This one was chosen for the Flash Daddy media
kit’s G-rated excerpt because everything else was laced with Amazon’s taboo
words. :>)
An Almost
Legal Adult
Bob awoke to a rustling in
the kitchen. His daughter Beatrice was back from wherever she goes at night. It
had been a while since they’d had much contact, given the way their respective
schedules conflicted.
He descended the stairs.
“Don’t tell me you went out dressed like that.”
Beatrice turned from the
cocktail she was preparing. “Dad, I’ve turned eighteen and I can wear what I
want. I’m paying rent with what I make on my job. That makes me legally your
tenant.”
“But sweetheart! Why go like
that? All that tight leather. Your bare ass sticks out of those chaps. And when
did you start drinking?”
“I didn’t. But there’s lots
you don’t know about me, Dad. This is for someone in my room.”
“You have a boy in your
room?”
“Well, not exactly.”
“Oh no. Not another girl!”
“No, Dad. A man. I have a man
in my room.”
“Oh my god! Get him out of
here! While you remain under my roof, you will be subject to my rules, no
matter what you pay in rent. Now get him out of my house!”
“But Dad... He’s tied to the
bed.”
“What?”
“Plus, he’s already paid.”
This one was chosen for Flash Daddy just because some
characters are idiots:
Later for Poontang
I answered my mobile without
checking the caller. “Hello.”
“David? It’s your Uncle Nat.”
“Hi Uncle Nat.”
“How’s it going, son?”
“Fine sir.”
“You graduate soon, huh?
That’s what your mama said.”
“Yeah. In a month or so.”
“Well, them girls gonna be
chasing you, boy. Once you’re out of school they’ll be lined up.”
“I’m not much for the ladies,
Uncle Nat.”
“Right. Education first.
Later for poontang.”
“I guess.”
“Just be careful of broads
that come on too strong, too willing.”
“What’s that?”
“Them’s got teeth.”
“Teeth?”
“In the cunt, boy. They’s out
to get you. Bite your dick off.”
“I don’t think—”
“Didn’t nobody ever teach you
nothing? All that schooling?”
“My classes didn’t—”
“You gotta learn about women,
son. How old are you?”
“Twenty two, sir.”
“Twenty two and don’t know
pussy. You know about oriental girls?”
“Asian?”
“Same difference. They’s
slits go sideways.”
“Sideways?”
“Most cunts goes up and down?
Chinks go sideways.”
“I don’t really think—“
“I had dozens of them, boy.
You never had no Oriental chick, I’ll bet.”
“Right, Uncle Nat. But I have
to go now. Thanks for the advice.”
“You bet. Goodbye.”
“Who’s that?” asked Kevin.
“My daft uncle. He’s never
been laid outside a whorehouse, and he still thinks I’m straight.”
This one was left out of Flash Daddy because I’m
obviously no poet:
All That’s Left is
the Longing
Out by the benches
he’s dreaming of wenches
watching young girls stride by.
Through watery eyes
a willowy prize
glides within his
perspective.
Lit from behind her
a light summer jumper
catches breeze in its flowery
folds.
A glimpse of her profile
so luscious and tactile
the old man’s future can't hold.
Now in his purview
(He’d sure like to fuck you)
And diddle her all through
the night.
If he asked her kindly
or subjective-mindly
she’d run away in fright.
This one was rejected for Flash Daddy because of the
idea of the Great White Savior combined with the Asian female sexuality trope. I
had none of that in mind when I read that at any one time, there may be tens of
thousands of these relationships in Bangkok:
Bangkok Power
Parity
“You must think of me as very
old, Sumalee.”
“In Thailand we revere age,
Herbert. Older men possess power.”
“But you have to work so hard
to make me come. A boy your own age would be better for you.”
“I am young, sir, and because
of you, I have a life ahead. I learn English from you. You pay for my education
at university. You charge me no rent. No need sell body to strangers.
“I simply provide for your
welfare, Sumalee. Now that I know you, I
couldn’t bear to see you continue in that brothel. Come here. Take your clothes
off and sit. I want to feel your youth beside me.”
“I am happy to make you feel
sexy, Herbert. Now, touch my pussy. I’ll feel sexy too.”
“You should not pretend, my
sweet. I understand that my body is used up.”
“You still know how to
pleasure a woman. Oh that feels good, Herbert.”
“I can hardly maintain an
erection any more. If not for-”
“You get hard when you fondle
my tits. When I dance for you and make my ass quiver.”
“Yes. But it all goes away so
quickly.”
“Then I’ll show you more, you
silly man. Watch, as you make me come. Use both hands, Herbert. Then your
tongue.”
I don't remember seeing the poem... but it's got some great lines.
ReplyDelete"Later for Poontang" is one of my favorites!
Thanks, Lisabet- Jean tried to school me in the fine points in several poems, but I didn't quite get it right despite her heroic efforts.
DeleteDo you work with a word limit? When I've entered flashers for competitions, there is always a word limit. I find it much more difficult to write short stuff, than an entire novel. You seem to excel at it. Great examples!
ReplyDeleteI acquired my flasher chops at The Erotica Readers and Writers Assn. There, flashers must be under 200 w/c. Used to be 100 w/c. I've seen 'em as low as 50.
DeleteHere's my shortest at 34 words: Not in Flash Daddy.
Mr. Brazoli's Secretarial Challenge
“I don’t think I can fit that in my mouth, sir.”
“Wider. Open wider, dammit.”
“I c-can’t. Mr. Brazaa-agg … I … I caggn. Mm… Mmm… Mmmm.”
“Yeah. Hum baby. Hum like that.”
Good to see you posting again, Fiona. Missed you. :>)
All fun, but I like Later for Poontang best, too, just as Lisabiet does. Snappy punch line, even when you can see it coming.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sacchi- That one sure was fun to write.
ReplyDeleteThe first two made me laugh out loud! I haven't forgotten that I owe you a review of this book--just running behind on most things at the moment. I'm looking forward to it, though. :D
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you left out the last flasher. The trope has soured me so much that it's hard for me to read closely enough to catch your signature humor.
Whether it's word count or pruning stories from a collection, you really are good at knowing when to cut!
You were on my mind when considering the last flasher for this topic, but I figured we know each other well enough by now... Hope I didn't assume too much. I was simply depicting something that goes on in this world. It certainly wasn't meant to be humorous.
ReplyDelete