Even as a child I had a sense of being both top and bottom.
Of course, back then it was more a matter of “I’m the boss of Clifford, and
Joey’s the boss of me.” I could discern the laddered status we assume within a
group. At the time I thought of it as a developing awareness of adult concepts,
and how those concepts structure the building blocks of our lives, though at
the time I probably wouldn’t have worded it like that.
Years later, a heightened gender awareness… ahem…
reconstructed and rearranged those assumptions. Life got more complicated. Now any
girl was usually the boss of me, as long as I had goo-goo eyes for her. My
attraction to girls who had a crush on me, however, seemed to operate in a
state of flux. Maybe we weren’t on the same intellectual level. Would she or wouldn’t
she let me touch her in private places? Private places like the dead-end road where
we ‘parked’. The private places of her body.
Yum.
There was one girl who had the biggest crush on me. Let’s
call her Wendy. Chased me from 7th grade through 11th . She’d
invite me to the class dance months in advance, not leaving an opportunity for
me to ask someone else. I could have called the shots, but never could say no to Wendy.
I knew how bad it felt just having a girl refuse to slow
dance at a Saturday night record hop. I’d feel so rejected I might not ask
another girl all night. How could I refuse to go to an event with Wendy? She
really liked me, and I appreciated that. And though I adopted the attitude of a
tough guy, I never achieved the accepted idea of an alpha, at least not enough to
make her feel bad.
Of course, I still don’t think a man should knowingly make a
girl feel bad. (God knows we do it enough by accident.) Again, even at such tender
age, I realized the irony of those dynamics. Why couldn’t a crush of mine
coincide with a girl who felt the same about me?
And, Wendy wouldn’t put out.
The nature of relationships can shift when our assumptions
take on challenges we hadn’t considered beforehand. What if someone gets sick?
Or loses a job? Which partner will call the shots in the sex department? What
if, after the honeymoon fuckfest has worn off, one has a larger, broader libido
then the other? Who will have to go
wanting? Who will have it up to here?
Ideally a pragmatic (and loving) couple can suss out each
other’s strengths and weaknesses, finding a place on the ladder most comfortable
for each. Trick is to take on or relinquish control within a given area:
Momma X, having worked in book production, is eminently qualified
to structure our social life and to keep detailed track of bills and finances.
I, on the other hand, take control in the kitchen, the car, and generating cash
flow through “farming” and art and antiques. She’s much neater than I, and keeps
the house presentable. We offer supporting roles, no matter if I’m pointing the
way or she is.
Our respective duties tend to balance each other out.
Sometimes I’m the boss of her. More often, she’s the boss of me.
Ah, the very real though not earth-shaking tragedy of crushes that don't align!
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile you've articulated a new formula for a happy and successful marriage: division of bossiness!
It's possible for both people (or several, I suppose) in a relationship to each feel that the other is the boss, and not just in the snide way of jokes about "the wife is always right." It may have something to do with each wanting to make the other happy, which can lead to the problem of, "What do you want to do?" "I dunno, what do you want to do?" in which each one tries to figure out what the other wants. In a long-standing relationship, though, this kind of thing gets worked out.
ReplyDeleteBravo, Daddy!
ReplyDelete"What if, after the honeymoon fuckfest has worn off, one has a larger, broader libido then the other? Who will have to go wanting? Who will have it up to here?"
THIS is exactly why I warned each of my kids not to marry as virgins. I told them the saddest thing is to talk to someone who didn't "take it for a test drive", and after God and everyone has witnessed them pledging to each other for eternity, they discover that once a month is okay for him, while twice a day is barely enough for her. Or vice-versa. If you view marriage as a partnership, then the idea of having to save yourself is ridiculous. Nothing ruins a marriage quicker than one cheating on the other, because their sex drives are misaligned. Religions have a lot to answer for, and this is a big one!
Agreed. You sound like a good mother.
DeleteApparently we have to defer to religion instead of what we learn from experience. If we can commit to some vague entity (living in the clouds) in such uncompromising terms, we won't pay much attention to objectivity. We know that objectivity and critical thinking are anathema to most religions. Otherwise, who would fall for it?
Recently, a writer I know wrote that equality never exists in a one-to-one relationship, while another wrote that it always exists (because, presumably, otherwise it's not a real relationship). Very confusing! Taking turns being the boss sounds like the best deal possible.
ReplyDelete