Ten Things That Turn Me Off

by Annabeth Leong

I want to talk about are things that interfere with my suspension of disbelief while reading romance and erotica, but I'm very aware that people's mileage on this sort of thing does vary. I operate by a certain set of beliefs as a writer, which I can talk about another time if it comes up. In this case, I'm talking about the stuff that bothers me as a reader—what makes me put books down because the spell has been broken. In at least a few of the cases below, it probably comes down to personal preference or experience, so please take this for what it's worth.

1. Alpha Male Jerkface

I almost wrote my entire disbelief post about how I can't personally believe that the alpha male jerkface is as popular as he seems. For a while, I thought this was some wrong-headed imposition on the part of publishers. Then I went to a couple conventions where I met tons of fans who are apparently into this loser and wish they could be with him. Holy Lord, the alpha male jerkface turns me off unless he is recognized as such. If someone is in his horrible clutches and suffering and crying for it, my fetish for extreme pain activates and I can be down. If they think he's romantic or sweet when he's actually being jealous, possessive, and borderline (or outright) abusive, I'm throwing a book across the room. It's not cute, and I can't believe in a hero or heroine who would really be swooning over that crap unless they have a boatload of life issues they're still trying to work out.

Since this is apparently one of the places where I have a strong personal preference that doesn't match the rest of the world, I'll add that I'm the child of an abusive relationship and I've been in abusive relationships myself. I've got a lot of education at this point about how to spot them, and I've got intimate, unfortunate, and painful knowledge of how badly they tend to turn out, even if they look romantic at first.

2. Lack of Protection

I know this one is controversial, but it is a serious, serious turnoff for me (I ignore it as best I can when reading the works of writer friends who believe descriptions of protection get in the way). If there's no protection, I need people to be in the sort of committed relationship where I can believe they've worked out birth control, or I need them to freak the fuck out while it's happening, or immediately after. Maybe it's my age, because I grew up post HIV/AIDS, but I just cannot picture blithely going without protection. I was shown way too many horrifying pictures of venereal diseases in health class. I also spent way too much time having fights with coercive guys who were claiming things like, "When I wear a condom, I could slam my dick in a car door and not even feel it," while I was thinking, "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, getting pregnant right now would be so fucking terrible."

This is not to say I've never had sex without protection, but I have always found it to be a stressful experience involving coercion or extreme drunkenness and great regret the following morning. It's the opposite of hot to me, and it destroys my ability to believe that characters are having fun. (It's a bit different for lesbian erotica—I'm less upset when people forego the dental dams. This probably has something to do with my memory of walking into a health clinic as a teenager, asking how lesbian safe sex would even work (my conservative high school hadn't taught us anything about non-straight safe sex), and being met with utter confusion).

3. Rapid Fire Orgasms

My body doesn't work this way, and I've never been with anyone whose body does. Also, descriptions of rapid-fire orgasms tend to get repetitive and boring anyway.

4. Extreme Athleticism

I find a number of sexual positions difficult and exhausting when I try them out. When I have sex in the shower, I'm usually distracted by my fear of a fatal accident involving slippery tile and my cracked-open skull. It can be hard, sometimes, for me to believe that characters aren't breaking something or falling on their asses. I give exceptions for people who are, say, trained ballerinas, but there are plenty of positions that I think normal people would find challenging, to say the least.

5. 69

Am I the only person in the world who finds that this position is mostly about trying not to choke? At best, it's very difficult multitasking. It often results in a sore jaw, awkward attempts to balance on one elbow, or a literal pain in the neck if I'm on top, or, if I'm on the bottom, trying really hard not to let my teeth go somewhere they're not supposed to go while my nose is buried in my partner's asshole. It's hard for me to believe people do this and enjoy it, based on my own experiences.

6. One-Night Virtuoso

Things that have happened to me during one-night stands: I think I'm good at sucking cock, but my lover totally loses his erection when I try it. I discover that the girl I'm going down on has her period and didn't bother to tell me, not even after I licked her blood-stained tampon string. The condom breaks and the guy I'm with spends a while whispering about how I'm so juicy and it feels so great, like he's not even wearing a rubber—and then we figure out that the condom is broken and freak the fuck out. A certain brand of condom gives me an itchy, terrible rash, and I dry up completely and have to go to the clinic the next day. The girl I hook up with at a party has secretly invited her boyfriend to watch. She also won't reciprocate and go down on me.

Those are disasters. I've also had plenty of experiences that were just plain awkward—bumping teeth and not finding the rhythm and coming too fast or not coming at all. I've had a couple amazing experiences where things just clicked right away, but they've been few and far between, and I'm skeptical of characters who are consistently virtuosic with people they've just met.

7. Women Who Get Raped and Decide 10 Seconds Into It That They Love It

I'll be clear that I read and enjoy nonconsent. I'm also a feminist with some strong opinions about rape culture. Stories that have women decide that they actually love being raped manage to piss me off on both counts, in opposite ways. When I'm looking for nonconsent, I want it to stay nonconsensual, because that's my fetish. If she decides she loves it, that's a total buzzkill for the fetish. As a person who is familiar with realities of real-life rape, it's just irritating bullshit to assert that a woman being raped actually wants it. I've read a few very fascinating explorations of the mixed feelings of a person with a rape fetish in a nonconsensual situation, but I'm not talking about that sort of sophistication here. In its blunt, simple form, this is more stupidity that makes me want to throw something.

8. Infinite Pain Tolerance (and its companion, Terrible Things That Don't Make People Cry)

When someone gets caned, like, 50 times full-out without passing out, my eyebrow climbs into my hairline. A lot of BDSM writing seems to involve very little understanding of how things actually feel or how much they hurt. This is a place where I really want realism, or an acknowledgement that the character in question is extreme for some specific reason. I'm also frustrated by flat emotional reactions to terrible dilemmas (another thing I've noticed a lot in bad BDSM writing).

9. True Submissives

Here's another thing I could write a whole essay about. I am incensed by the idea that certain people are "true submissives" and therefore are naturally inclined to do whatever they're told by a "master," without question or concern for themselves. Asking questions or looking out for oneself does not mean one is not submissive. People who do submit without question are taking part in very extreme behavior. If they are healthy, they do that knowingly, not under a lot of coercion about how a "true submissive" would just do as they were told. This riles me up because the "true submissive" phrasing is often used in a way that portrays abuse masquerading as BDSM. It destroys my belief because in most communities of BDSM players, people won't let that sort of thing fly (or, if they do, it's because something is wrong). Again, sophistication can help. Greta Christina, for example, has written interesting explorations of the line between abuse and BDSM, sometimes involving this sort of unquestioning submission. I'm talking here about non-sophisticated uses of the concept.

10. Things That Would Get Your Ass Arrested

I get distracted by descriptions of behaviors that I don't think a person could get away with in public. My disbelief is especially activated by types of coercion that are so blatantly illegal and visible that I don't think anyone would actually try them. I know people do get away with things and do abuse their power, I just prefer when stories recognize that a risk is being taken.

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There's my long post, set to maximum curmudgeon. I'm sure some of these things don't bother other people, and that there are things I love that would totally throw someone else out of the story. I'll be interested to see what people think in the comments.

Guest Blogger: KyAnn Waters

Born to Alpha, Rise to Alpha, and the Quintessential Alpha

The Alpha male – women adore him, men want to fight him, only the heroine can tame him.

The appeal of an alpha hero, especially in romance writing, is the sureness of his position in the story. He’s strong, confident, knows what he wants and typically that’s the heroine. His prowess is legendary, his skill with a sword unmatched?

But no one wants a hero, not even an Alpha, without flaws? Alpha doesn’t mean A**hole. An Alpha male isn’t afraid. That includes not being afraid to be honest, to show real emotion, and to be giving when necessary. He’s just sure he’s the only one who knows when that time is.

So how does an Alpha become the man everyone looks up to and every woman wants to be with? He has history, circumstances that forced him to step up. Alpha males learn from life's hardships. Instead of giving in to emotions, he rises above them. He’s created, and then defined by his desire to lead. He’s confident in his abilities and then, as an author, I give him a woman who doesn’t conform to his ideals. She’s stubborn and opinionated.

In All Lycan’s Eve – Ellora’s Cave
Kean is born to his station and rises to his responsibilities.

Excerpt:
Kean chuckled with a nod of his head and closed the door. “I can’t wait to sink my teeth into a willing woman.” He raised an eyebrow. “Figuratively speaking, of course.” Because to bite a human made them part of the pack, made them Lycan.

Melville twisted the lid off a long neck bottle of beer. “Aye mate, you give me heart a bit of a jolt. You sounded like your da. Seeing how he’s finally convinced you to take your place.”

“Ah, that he has, but not this Halloween.”

“I’ll drink to that.” Aiden tipped his bottle in agreement and drank.

Kean laughed. “You drink to anything.”

With a heavy heart, Kean acknowledged and accepted that this year’s Halloween party would be his last. His father grew tired of the burdens of leadership. Those burdens would soon be Kean’s. He understood duty. More than that, it would be his responsibility to ensure the continued secrecy of their society and see to the financial obligations of the pack.

In After Dark – Ellora’s Cavemen JOTN Vol II.
Alandro is a vampire who doesn’t rise to Alpha until faced with adversity.

Excerpt:
Alandro took his place beside his father. “Where is she?”

“Just wait.” Vasco reseated himself. “She doesn’t know who she is or more importantly what she is.” He sighed and leaned back in his chair. “We must proceed cautiously.” He steepled his fingers beneath his pointed chin. “She was just a child. We don’t know how much she witnessed of her parents’ death.”

“Their murder.”

Vasco nodded. “And it appears she was raised by the slayer who killed them.”

Alandro leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table. “Then you know who the slayer is?” He narrowed his gaze on his father. “Tell me.” He stood. “So that I can find him. After I drink every last drop of blood from his body, I’ll tear his heart from his chest.”

“Alandro, calm yourself and listen. You don’t understand. The slayer is dead.”

Then what was the problem? If he didn’t have to fight for his bloodmate’s safe return, why wasn’t she already with him? A part of his soul remained vacant without her. Until a few hours ago, he believed he’d spend eternity alone.

In The Cougar Meets Her Master – The Wilder Roses
Colt, with his BDSM lifestyle, is the quintessential Alpha shown by behaviors.

Excerpt:
The dealer set a small pile of chips on the table. “All in,” Colt said and slid the chips into the betting circle. The night would ride on a single turn of the cards. If the house won, he lost. But if the cards played in his favor the night was bound to get interesting.

Taylor spun on the seat and met his stare. A smile tugged on her lips. “You’re feeling lucky?”

“In about two minutes, we’re both going to be feeling lucky.”

The dealer dealt the table. “This is our hand. Winner take all.” The jack of clubs showed face up. He didn’t bother to look at his hole card. Anticipation for the hand paled in comparison to what he felt for Taylor. The dealer worked around the table. The man to the right tapped the green felt for a card and busted. The dealer paused over their cards.

Colt shook his head. “Stay.”

Taylor’s pink tongue peeked from between her lips. One brow arched.

A moment later, Colt flipped over their cards and the dealer announced, “Twenty-one,” and stacked double the chips in the betting circle.

Colt smiled. “I win.”

She swallowed, and the seductive movement in her throat had his dick jumping in anticipation. “So what do you want?”

“Room service.”

The Grip crew would like to thank KyAnn for being here today. To find out more about any of her books, click on the covers, or on the link below.

http://www.kyannwaters.com/

Alpha Dog

Having my academic background in animal behavior gives me a very clear impression on what the alpha male means. The smartest, toughest wolf, the biggest silverback gorilla, or the ram with the biggest horns. When it comes to people though, the definition can vary. Are we talking about the captain of the football team? The class president? The corporate raider or the military officer?

I’ve written several books with traditional “alpha heroes,” but even more with heroes who for one reason or other aren’t. Alpha implies a very social hierarchy. So by definition, the wounded loner isn’t an alpha. I also write a lot of geek heroes, who rely more on brains than brawn. And if you’re setting up a series with a group of men, say a SEAL team or a family of brothers, then by definition only one can be the alpha. But the others…oh, yeah, they can be heroes too.

When we talk about alpha, I think we’re really just talking about ideals. Men with strength and honor and brains and courage. Men who, as Anny said, can wield a frying pan or a hairbrush as well as a gun or sword or baseball bat if necessary. Men who are protective and willing to lay down their lives for their woman, but would rather live for her and with her. He might be a little bossy, but he’s always there for her and willing to subordinate his needs for hers.

Are the heroes in our books realistic? Sometimes. There's a little fantasy mixed in, but there's a lot of truth to a good character too. There are a lot of good men out in the world who may not always have those eight-pack abs, but still have what it takes to make a woman smile. They bring home paychecks, cook meals, and some of them even bring home roses when they know their wife had a crappy day. (Thank you, love!) And yes, they’re still flawed. Goes with being human. And sometimes those flaws are what make us love them all the more.

Gloria Steinem and I Aren't Best Friends

What I’m about to say isn’t going to make me very popular, especially with women’s libbers. I love men. I love being with them. I love talking about them. I love writing them. And I want a man to be a man.

When I think alpha, I don’t think of the heroes in novels from the seventies and eighties. So many of them, while alpha, were also great big jerks. No, what I think of is a man who is in control and who will guide the situation to his will for the good of everyone, not just for a petty whim. The alpha male is in charge and can make a decision. He doesn’t need a committee to get things done. He doesn’t need to ask five people what they think… He gets it done.

My book On Your Knees had this dedication: To all the women who have to be in control but don’t want to be.

That’s the thing. More and more today, many women are being forced into roles they neither want nor enjoy. It’s not how we’re constructed, yet in order for the world to go ‘round, woman have become the decision makers in their homes, in the workplace, in the bedroom.

I contend that quite a few women don’t want all the power that’s been thrust upon them. And that men are being stymied by the shift of dynamics. Yes I believe in equal pay for equal work. I’m thankful for the right to vote. I’m glad my day consists of more than cleaning and cooking and child-rearing. But for God's sake, there’s nothing wrong with a man opening a door for you, having an opinion or being the consummate leader of his pack, so to speak.

As a woman, I like feeling watched over. I like feeling like a world of responsibility doesn’t rest on my shoulders. I think many woman are exactly in that position—everything falls to them. They long for a man who will give them relief from that. There’s no mistaking the popularity of Male Dominant/female submissive BDSM books nor the way ménage books with two men and a woman fly off the shelves. These are books comprised of strong heroines and strong men. Alpha men. It’s the fantasy we seek, because let’s face it—finding a man like the ones in books is near to impossible. But isn’t that what reading fiction, especially romance, is about? Fantasy? Escape? The encounter with the love or the people who take our breath away and, hopefully, remind us of the blush of our new love…way back when? Or model what we once sought or dreamed (or still dream) about in a lover? An alpha: The man who’s comfortable in his position, who knows what he wants—what you want too—and isn’t afraid to do what needs to be done to obtain it. A man others look up to. A man who stands a head and shoulders above…

A man who’s fiercely possessive and who loves his mate with undying passion.

So yes, I feel the men in the books I write—and the books I read—must be alpha.