That's the first thing I think about when discussing bdsm. Bondage. Dominance. Sado-masochism. Ummm. EWWWW. This isn't something that appeals to me. I grimace if I see it portrayed in movies and, unless it's handled very well, I don't love it in books. Don't get me wrong. I write erotica but I prefer stories that portray a couple as equal, loving partners. A little game-playing is okay. I mean, if the hero has a stash of ties and wants to do a little "tie me up, tie me down" stuff, that's no big deal. I have no problems with light spanking either. The heroine and hero know it's not about total domination but about spicing up their sex life and having some fun.
I just finished writing a story about a woman who was an absolute control freak. She refused to let herself be vulnerable enough to trust. The hero plays a few games with her in an effort to break down that iron-hard wall. It worked out for my heroine because she learned that it was okay to not be "perfect" and it was okay to let her guard down and allow someone else into her life. This is about as bdsm as I get. Just enough to make a point.
It's the extremes that bother me. The chains, whips, and ball gags throw me for a loop. Don't know what is so sexy about a woman or man on their knees begging for love or respect or whatever. Sex shouldn't be about dominance. It should be about love, caring, and affection. It should be about giving and receiving pleasure and that's, to me, the bottom line. Anything that causes another pain borders on abuse and doesn't ring my bells.