Thursday, May 20, 2010

An Argument for Luddites

By Ashley Lister

Personally, unless technological innovations improve my life in a fundamental way, they are of no use or interest. So, until technology reaches the stage where I can buy myself a bigger cock that ejaculates bank notes, I’m happy to stay in the comparative dark ages.

I was one of the last people in my social circle to succumb to pressure and buy a mobile phone. There were various reasons for my slow uptake of this technology. Primarily, I’m a cheap bastard. If I don’t need it, I’m certainly not going to pay for it. And I never saw the need for a mobile phone. I seldom use the landline (which, at the time, was only known as a humble phone). I don’t receive many calls, and I had rarely found myself in a situation where I was away from a nearby telephone but needed to talk with someone whose number I knew.

So I resisted. I only gave in and bought one after an unfortunate incident with a flat tyre. Even then, I bought the cheapest mobile phone available on a tariff that allows me to belligerently not use my mobile at a price that accommodates this natural parsimony.

(Funnily, this came about shortly after a telesales call where a young man had been trying to encourage me to buy a mobile phone. This was at a time when the newspapers were filled with stories about people suffering brain/ear problems because of excessive mobile phone use.

CALLER: Congratulations, sir. Your name has been selected to receive a free mobile courtesy of our company.

ME: Mobile phones? They give you ear cancer, don’t they?

CALLER: No, sir. We’re offering you a brand new mobile phone at-

ME: EAR CANCER! EAR CANCER! You’re trying to give me ear cancer! I don’t want ear cancer. Don’t make me have ear cancer.

The telesales caller hung up shortly after my outburst).


I also have issues with iPods: not sure why anyone would need or want one of the bloody things. Discussing this with a colleague recently, he stared at me as though I was an alien visitor.

COLLEAGUE: They’re great for listening to music whenever and wherever you want.

ME: But why would I want to do that?

COLLEAGUE: Don’t you like music?

ME: I like it. But I can manage to exist for two consecutive hours if it isn’t there.

COLLEAGUE: What about when you’re driving?

ME: I tend to concentrate on the roads, try to avoid accidents, that sort of thing.

COLLEAGUE: What about when you’re walking or exercising?

ME: You don’t know me very well, do you? I neither walk nor exercise.


We agreed to disagree. Well, I told him he was a technology obsessed ‘tard and he told me I was a Luddite. And he’s not the first person to call me that.

Yes, I use a computer. Yes, I use the internet, emails and other technological marvels However, I usually find I’m using technology that is not so much cutting-edge, as nearly-obsolete. My recent foray into trying the newest version of Microsoft WORD has meant that a dozen editors I work with regularly have written letters saying, “Why can’t I open this document?” It’s a clear reminder of a lesson that I thought I’d learnt well.

So, until technology produces a device that can make my cock bigger, and enables it to start spurting banknotes on command, I’m content to be a Luddite and live without all these modern innovations.

15 comments:

  1. Oh, Ash, I laughed out loud numerous times as I read this. In fact I still am right now as I type!

    Thanks. :)

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  2. Hi Em,

    I'm delighted to hear I've made you giggle :-)

    Ash

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  4. I can relate, Ash. I especially love the exchange with the cell phone salesman!

    I too went reluctantly into the cell phone thing, and only after a "stranding incident." Turns out, even in downtown Philadelphia, it's getting very difficult to find a payphone. My wife and kids badgered me to buy one for years then gave me a hearty "told ya so" when the stranding occurred. Still, what I have is one of those cheap pay by the drink phones which, by now, I have accumulated about a bazillion points because I never use the thing.

    Thanks for giving me a good laugh!

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  5. Hi, Ash,

    Got to get Steve Jobs working on that dough-spewing monster cock...it's sure to be a best seller!

    I only use my music player for one purpose--to keep me from getting bored out of my gourd while I'm exercising.

    Very funny post! (as usual)

    Warmly,
    Lisabet

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  6. Craig,

    I also got the 'I told you so' lecture when I eventually got stranded and had to succumb to pressure.

    And, like you, I've been managing on the bare minimum of mobiles - feeling satisfied if the damned thing receives a call and holds a charge.

    Best,

    Ash

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  7. Lisabet,

    From what Kathleen was saying, the Steve Job version is likely to work, although it won't respond to expletives :-)

    I hope you're soon feel sufficiently recovered to get on with the exercising.

    Best,

    Ash

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  8. Ash - I'm with you. Unless I have a clear need, I don't want it.

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  9. Hi Kathleen,

    It seems like the reasonable way of thinking. But it also seems like so many people are rushing out to buy the latest electronic trinket because it has a bell, or some other ridiculous excuse for advanced technology.

    Ash

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  10. Thanks for the laugh. I wish I could join you in Luddite-ville but alas my children won't let me.

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  11. Linda,

    One of the advantages of having kids is that they can always work the technology for you. My son gave me a strict talking to this morning for leaving the DVD player on overnight. He actually got me to blush and say I was sorry and promise not to do it again.

    Best,

    Ash

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  12. Ash,

    I didn't laugh once. I agree with everything you said and to this day, don't own a cell phone or an iPod.

    Hubby bought me a cell phone, then took it away after nearly a year because I never used it. Not once, and the minutes were adding up.

    I do exercise, doctor's orders, but I don't need music to do so. I curse well enough to entertain everyone in the vicinity.

    Lovely post.

    Hugs
    Jude

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  13. Hi Ashley!

    I like your dialogue.

    I'm the opposite of a luddite, I'm a natural born gadget freak, I love technology I just can't afford the fun stuff. So my gadgets are always what I can get on eBay on the rebound.

    Garce

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  14. Jude,

    To be honest, I don't think I make enough calls to justify my own mobile phone. However, the potential convenience of it being a helpline, should I ever get stranded again, makes it a necessary accessory.

    As for the exercise - don't believe your doctor! You don't really need to exercise. I'll bet he's just trying to sell you his old, used iPod :-)

    Best,

    Ash

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  15. Garce,

    You're braver than I am, trusting eBay with all the cheats and 'Bidiots' that lurk on its pages :-)

    That said, if I do need advice on any gadgets, I'll be beating a path to your door.

    Ash

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