Mummy Dearest

by Ashley Lister

Lots of people refer to me as a mother, which I suppose is their way of ascertaining that I’ve got a maternal personality. “There’s Ashley, the mother,” they say, as I walk past.

But I’m not the only maternal person in my family. My mother is also maternal too. I should mention here that Mothers’ Day in the US comes a month or so after Mothers’ Day in the UK. We celebrated Mothers’ Day at the end of March and I wrote (and performed) the following poem in honour of my mother.

I hope you enjoy:

To Mummy Dearest

My mother is in hospital
She has been very ill.
And now I’m really worried
That I’m not mentioned in her will.

Of course, I love my mummy dearest
And all she’s done for me.
But love just can’t compete
With her insurance policy.

Or the equity on her property.
Or the assets in her house.
Or the cash she’s stashed in a biscuit tin
Shaped curiously like a mouse.

Or the premium bonds she’s holding
Or the funds in offshore banks.
If she could die, and leave me them,
I’d offer her my thanks.

But I doubt my name is mentioned
As a beneficiary
For, although I love my mummy
My mummy don’t love me

She says I’m not a great son.
I do everything thoughtlessly.
And she blames me for complications
With her episiotomy.

And for never being successful.
Or having a real career
Or visiting her at Christmas
Like her neighbours do each year.

And for never remembering her birthday
Or ever buying a mother’s day gift
And she says it is my thoughtlessness
That’s caused this familial rift.

But I have bought her a plot at the cemetery.
And the funeral costs are all met
But this clearly don’t earn her approval
Cos she hasn’t made use of them yet.

So whilst she’s now ill up in hospital
I’ll collect some fresh flowers from the heath
Lillies are nice and funereal
And look lovely made up in a wreath.

And I’ll send her a card that says get well
I’m sorry that you’re feeling ill.
I hope that you’re soon out of hospital.
And please remember my name in your will.


And, to all those fellow mothers reading this, I hope you enjoyed your Mothers’ Day.