Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Bring On The Zombie Apocalypse!

My personal record for words written in a day is 10k. I've written and submitted a 35k novella in five days. And because of this, I have absolutely no doubt that I could write a novel in a month. I could do NaNoWriMo. I could. Heck- with those figures, I could write a novel in a week.

But then I get to the but. Yes, I could do all of this, but...

Why in God's name would I want to? For a start, writing is exhausting. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let your husband/wife/mother/brother/dog tell you that you have it easy, sat on your can all day, tapping away at your laptop.

Writing is hard. After a night of hammering out ten thousand words, my eyes get a weird crust all around them. They feel full of garbage. My little finger twitches of its own accord, my legs have turned to jelly. I go outside and it's like having a nuclear bomb go off behind my eyes. Sometimes I forget to eat and drink or go to the toilet, and then have to do all three at once.

Shoving ham into your mouth while trying to wee isn't fun. Nor is falling asleep in the middle of hamming and weeing, then waking up passed out on the bathroom floor only to remember that you might have eaten and wee-ed and slept, but you didn't drink.

So now you have a mammoth dehydration headache and a mouth like the insides of a pork chop.

But that's not even the worst thing writing can do to you. That part is actually quite fun! Plus, you managed to complete ten thousand words. Hurrah!

No, the worst part is when you're there, exhausted in your bones and in your soul and just drained from pouring all of that out of you and onto the page...and then you reread it, the next day.

And oh, how it sucks great big donkey balls. How much you hate yourself, for writing such unadultered shite. Life has no meaning. Everything is despair. Bring on the zombie apocalypse because Lord knows it sounds better than slogging away at something you've mysteriously lost the knack for.

Which is all just a long way of saying: no, I don't do NaNoWriMo. And no, I never will. The thought of waking up on the bathroom floor after a month of forgetting to wee, drink, eat, sleep and take it easy on myself is just too grim to bear.

6 comments:

  1. Ah Charlotte,

    I can't believe that anything you'd write would be worth calling down the zombie apocalypse!

    (You know, just for the heck of it, I googled "zombie apocalypse". Got 1,130,000 results, with the top item a link to Wikipedia's article on the topic... guess you're not the only one expecting one!)

    Hugs,
    Lisabet

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  2. No, the worst part is when you're there, exhausted in your bones and in your soul and just drained from pouring all of that out of you and onto the page...and then you reread it, the next day.

    And oh, how it sucks great big donkey balls. How much you hate yourself, for writing such unadultered shite. Life has no meaning.


    Yeah. That just about covers it, as does the rest of the post.

    As always, you have a way with words, and putting a knowing smile on my face.

    Excellent post.

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  3. Charlotte - excellent point. I won't read what I wrote the night before. That way, I can save my big angst implosion for the end.

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  4. 10k words is pretty cool. Whatever words they were I'm sure they would turn into at least 5k usable prose the following morning.

    As to the zombie apocalypse: useful advice on what to do in this situation is available at The Oatmeal, http://theoatmeal.com/comics/zombie_how

    The Oatmeal also offers useful advice on a range of worthwhile topics such as how to tell if your loved ones plan to eat you, how to prepare your pets for war, and how to use a semicolon (really!).

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  5. Charlotte,

    You always get me laughing.

    Best,

    Ash

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  6. Many apologies for being so late replying to lovely comments. The burn out briefly lifted, and I had to go with it!

    Lisabet- oh, it is. It is. Why do you think so many people are expecting the zombie apocalypse? They all know what I've been writing!

    Craig- thanks! It's not hard to write about stuff familiar to you all. We're all stuffed into the same life raft, paddling frantically away from the zombie hordes!

    Kathleen- That's cos you're sensible! I, on the other hand...well. You can tell exactly what my brain's like.

    Not sensible at all.

    Fulani- ah, you bring me the gift of orsum zombie survival info! One day I'll thank you, for saving my life. Because it's going to happen. IT IS.

    Ashley- tee hee! Thanks!

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