Non-Existent Karma

It's not the excuses that bother me. It's the lack of them.

I think I could live a far merrier life, if people could be bothered to even come up with one or two, once in a while. You know, after they've tried to sell me into white slavery, or stolen all my worldly possessions, or shot my gran in the head with a crossbow, or eaten my cat - I'd just appreciate something. And I'm a helpful person, too! I'll even come up with some golden excuses for them, so they don't have to strain themselves too much.

How about:

1. The dog ate my homework, and while it was eating my homework, I shot your gran with a crossbow.

2. The dog ate my homework, and while it was doing so, it also accidentally ate your cat.

3. Because the dog ate my homework, I got kicked off my course, couldn't get a job, and wound up destitute. So you see I had to steal all of your worldly possessions.

4. And sell you into white slavery.

See what I mean? Easy. And although I don't then feel better about any of this, at least I feel like they've accepted some kind of personal responsibility. Enough to blame it on the dog, at least. Instead of one of the following:

1. It's actually your fault that I shot your gran with a crossbow. Because you're an awful person.

2. You're such an awful person that I thought "I know what I'll do today! Eat your cat."

3. I only heard that you're an awful person from someone I just met yesterday. But still I'm sure you deserve to have all your worldly possessions stolen from you.

4. You know how you're an awful person? Well- that's why you're now being sold into white slavery.

And of course, I get variations on the above. You're a liar, you're imagining things, you just don't understand why I had to eat your cat, etc etc. But it all boils down to the same thing: I'm not even worth coming up with a stupid excuse for.

And I suppose I could feel better about that, if I didn't suspect that the universe feels exactly the same way. It's not unfair when my left arm drops off. It's karma, because of that time I looked at someone funny, once, and didn't tell God immediatly that I take it back.

God never has to come up with excuses. Karma doesn't, either. They don't have to apologise for the terrible things that happen to me, because it's all about me learning my lesson for not telling that person the exact right kindly thing that would saved me from having my eyebrows burnt off. It's my fault, because I didn't try hard enough, work hard enough, be better.

Though of course, I know it's not really God or karma telling me this. There aren't any lessons to learn, there's no cause and effect. I just feel that way because I search for meaning and desperately need to know why the universe or other human beings or anything, anything at all could be that cruel.

So cruel that it just does things, without a reason or an excuse. I have to invent a reason, out of old bits of guilt I have stored up and a few things that I said years ago to no-one about something or other that revealed I didn't have quite enough empathy about a situation that has nothing to do with me. I have to fall back on my old standby:

Because I did wrong. Because I'm not better. Because I need to learn my lesson. Because I'm unworthy or obnoxious or just not good enough.

Which is bad, I suppose. And probably unhealthy. But worse than that, always worse than that is the suspicion that all the people I see every day doing these horrible, horrible things...they don't think like that. They don't suspect they did wrong, or worry that they're not better, or try to learn their lesson.

They don't have excuses, because they don't think they need them. Why have excuses, when there's nothing to get out of? Plus, as we've already established, karma doesn't exist. So I guess nothing's going to get them, either.

And besides...shouldn't I feel bad, for wanting something to get them? I'm probably a really terrible person, for wishing ill on them. Only truly evil people want someone to stub their toe, after watching them try to murder another person with a shopping trolley.

Non-existent karma's really going to stick it to me, for that one.