“Do you want a printed receipt or an email?”
She hesitated. A
moments fantasy fluttered through like a moth among old clothes. Handsome beast, tallish, the wisp of a beard,
beneath the uniform blue polo shirt was implied a body like the captain of a
swim team, which maybe he was. Email me
darling, followed by your illicit entreaties of passion to meet me alone.
“Printed,” she said.
The cash register spit out the receipt and he passed it to
her.
“Carry these out for you?” said another young man, duller,
less handsome, an easy conquest. As if.
“No,” she said, ”Thanks, I’ve got it.”
Approaching the glass double doors, pushing the cart with
the reusable environmentally green cloth bags of groceries. Her reflection in the glass, good breasts
that didn’t sag under a jersey cloth pullover, though she had not yet dared to
go braless for fear of which direction her nipples would actually run to when
freed. Mom jeans, sensible mary janes. A good body, she thought. Not a gym body, but good enough. Isn’t it?
Can’t it be? Women, my age. Ridiculous.
In the glass reflection she saw the eyes of the cashier and the bag boy
both watching her as the doors snicked apart to let her pass. Don’t talk about me when I’m gone, boys.
The ridiculous thing, she thought, really, is that either of
them would love to be seduced by the likes of me. Some oedipal thing, they fantasize about
having a full grown woman bring them to bed and make men – no - personal studs
of them. They want that too. What stops us? Decency?
Fear. Of what?
The cart, once on the asphalt rattled, clinking the wine
bottles as she tried to remember which row her dowdy Honda civic was parked in.
How time catches up, she thought. When I was a kid the only sliding doors like
that were on the Starship Enterprise.
Now they’re everywhere. The
future rushes. Its sits on you like a
weight, remembering a past, recent enough, but old enough that they make movies
now mocking the time period when you were young. Time passes, no, it stampedes. It strikes us dumb with the crush of years.
I want to seduce someone.
I want to someone to seduce me.
At home, she unpacked the cloth bags and put the wine
bottles on the counter along with the tortilla chips, organic hummus with roasted
red pepper and artisan cheese. She turned on the kitchen radio where NPR was
discussing a deathbed interview with Jack Ruby.
“ Had you realized you had done anything?”
“ Well, really it happened so fast, and anything else I
cannot recall what happened from the time I came to the bottom of the ramp
until the police officers had me on the ground.”
She found the corkscrew and undid the wine bottle, a bottle
of Hungarian Tokay, very hard to find.
She had always wanted to try it since it was the wine Count Dracula had
served to Jonathan Harker in the novel.
She listened to the interview and remembered her
father. He had been the managing editor
of the small town newspaper. He had been
watching TV when Ruby had shot Oswald. But it was what she had been doing in
that moment that she remembered. She had
been reading a comic book about a scientist who had gotten super speed from a
lab accident. She had gone to
refrigerator to mix things together to give her super powers. That hadn’t worked out. As a girl her favorite TV show had been about
the witch who did things by twitching her nose, married to a stupid man, always
telling her to hide her powers as though he were ashamed of her instead of
celebrating her.
She listened to the radio, remembering. She looked at the groceries. She twitched her nose.
Why not?
In the cabinet she found a candy dish that looked vaguely
ceremonial in a pagan kind of way. She
opened up the Tokay and the other bottle, a cheap red and poured equal amounts
whispering pretend Latin sounds. She
took the blue cardboard jar of salt and poured a ring around it. She had seen it in an old zombie movie and it
seemed like the right thing to do. She
picked an almond from a jar of nuts and dropped it in the dish of wine.
“Eye of newt.”
Drew a gooey piece of red pepper from the hummus.
“Tongue of bat.” It
did look like a tongue.
One more thing to drop in the wine. What, what, what – perfume!
This is fun, she thought, skipping girlishly through the
living room to the bedroom. Whee! I’m
Sorceress Barbie.
She brought the perfume, unused since her bad date from an
online matching service for mature singles.
She unscrewed the cap and poured a dab.
“Blood of birth strangled babe,” she said remembering her
Shakespeare.
Something next, something.
A doll?
She went to the living room, to the flat screen with the red
haired, blue skinned smurf perched on the top, grabbed it up and brought it
back to the kitchen.
The kitchen felt distinctly different somehow. The smell, not of perfume so much. Something sulfurous.
She put the male (it was a male?) smurf doll next to the
candy dish. She touched it between the
legs with a finger and an odd intuition.
Where - where – her shoulder bag. She stopped, found the shoulder bag in the closet and
rummaged through it, found it, the paper receipt. He had touched it, the handsome young man. She held it.
What am I doing? Am I
taking this seriously? God help me. Am I that desperate?
Of course its stupid, but it’s a game. I live alone.
My games are my own, aren’t they?
She brought the receipt, the thermal inked receipt for the
groceries the young man had briefly held in his fingers. She had stopped walking, without
realizing. Had been holding her breath
without knowing it. The top of her head
tingled.
She brought the square of paper to her lips, parted her lips
and exhaled on it.
She felt immediately embarrassed for herself. This is fun, she thought. But its kind of pathetic too, isn’t it
honey? If you say so honey. She looked at the candy dish, the smurf doll
and thought, no. It’s not pathetic. Its me being a goddess. It’s me messing around like a kid again. If I were doing this with a guy, with a
playful guy, with a sexy imaginative guy, with the right guy, we’d be jollying
our way to bed right now. A witch and
her obedient incubus or whatever they’re called. What fun.
A guy with imagination, he’d even know what to do next to carry the game
further. Men my age, they’re such bores
most of them. They talk sports. They talk real estate. They try to impress you. But not one is in touch with their feelings.
Headlights in the drive way, an engine shutting off. The door bell.
She went to the door and looked through the peep hole
lens. It was the young man from the
grocery store. He was waiting, looking
down, sweating innocence, and yet strangely dazed.
She opened the door.
“Good evening,” she said.
“Hello ma’am,” he said slowly. He lifted his hand and held up her blue VISA
card. “You left this.”
She took it from his hand.
“Thank you,” she said. He
continued to stand there in that bewildered, expectant way. Was he waiting for a tip? “Are you feeling all right?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Such a
polite young thing. Darling boy.
“Would you like to come in?”
His mouth opened, closed, his eyes focused than un-focused. “Yes, ma’am.”
She stood aside, he entered.
She closed the door and fingered the card. “How did you know how to find me?”
He stood a little stiffly as though at attention. Somehow he was not all there. “I don’t know,” he said vacantly.
A wave of guilt swept over her. And then a feeling of something a little
frightening. A hard, gem like
flame. She stood quietly with the card
in her fingers watching him for signs of pent up violence. Should she ask him to leave? But he was as docile as a lamb. As if his male brain had shifted into
neutral. She raised her hand, searching
and touched his shoulder. He continued
to stand without moving. Without
awareness.
She thought of the candy dish with its wine and felt a wave
of guilt, and a wicked zing. Suddenly
she wanted to show it to him. To see if
he understood it. To see what he would
do.
But what would he do?
Laugh at her? Go back and brag of
his adventure the way boys did? He was a
strapping young bull. Maybe strong
enough to wrestle her down to the floor – and then?
And yet he continued to stand passively, strangely vacant
and calm as a glass of water. Not quite
looking at her.
“Tell me how you found me.
Did you call the card company?
How do they do it these days with our private information?”
He turned his head, looked down at the carpet. “I don’t know,” he said. “I just knew.
I had to come.” He looked up at her
with eyes that seemed strangely begging, like a dog who’s just peed on the
rug. “You told me to come to you. So I had to come.”
This is what an entranced man looks like. He’s entranced, she thought. She put her fingers to her mouth. A bewitched man. “Close your eyes,” she said softly. He closed his eyes. “Open your eyes.” He did so.
He looked at her, quietly.
Waiting. “You came here because I
told you? How did I tell you?”
That odd begging look.
“I just had to. Because you said
so. I had to.”
“If I told you to take off your shirt, would you do it?”
“Yes.”
“Take off your shirt then.”
He obeyed.
“Your pants.”
He obeyed. He held
them neatly over his arm.
“Everything.”
He removed his shoes, his socks, finally his underwear revealing
his thick penis and stood nude, holding his clothes in his arms. She held her breath looking and looking, his
youth. His virile potency. His perfect helplessness in her hand. “Can you . . .” she said hesitantly, and
pointed between his legs. “Can you - ?”
He did.
The young man, whose name she didn’t know, Smurf perhaps,
stood nude, bluntly tumescent, utterly under her control. She looked at him long and long, imagining
him on her bed. Imagining him obediently
riding her from above. His sleek
symmetry. Youthful rigidity. Delicious docility. A love doll.
A human doll. A sex toy with a
heart beat.
She folded her arms and sighed. “No,” she said.
He continued to wait obediently for whatever she would say,
the swelled knob of his hard phallus raised high, bobbing slightly with his
heart beat.
She wiped away a tear and turned away. This is wrong, she thought. This isn’t seduction. It would be a kind of date rape, he may as
well be drugged. He doesn’t want
me. I could command him to, but it
wouldn’t be the same. Maybe there’s
magic, but there’s no magic inside. This
is empty.
She waved her hand over her shoulder dismissively, without
looking. “Get dressed,” she said. There were the sounds of clothes
rustling. With a pang of regret she
turned to take a last look at his penis, maybe change her mind, but already he had
his underwear on and was zipping his pants.
She watched him put on his shirt covering that flat belly which might
have felt so good tensed up against hers.
After the final shoe was on he stood waiting again in that bewildered stance
for the next thing. She went up to him,
stood close and caressed his placid cheek.
“Don’t think about this,” she said commandingly. “Just don’t think about it. You brought me my card. That’s all that happened. Thank you.
Go.” She opened the door. He
glanced at her, moved forward and out the door with a broken air of cast-offness. She watched him drive away. She leaned against the door, listening to the
fading engine.
She went to the kitchen and poured the wine conjuration into
the sink, and ran water in the dish. She
swept the salt into a dustpan and threw it away.
I don’t want to think about what just happened, I’ll think
about it in the morning. Maybe I should
buy a lottery ticket, see how that works out.
She sat in front of the TV, flipping through the
channels. Then the oldies channel, the
only channel she really watched. The
show was “I Dream of Jeannie”. Again,
the dull male fantasy of the servile woman.
A genie – a fucking genie! It was
insane, this perky little woman, a supernatural being of devastating power, a
virtual goddess in harem pants, reduced to simpering submissiveness to a man
who could never appreciate her gifts. A
man just like the witches’ husband who only wanted her to be ordinary. Yes, master.
Yes, master. Why did she not crush
him with a gesture?
The door bell rang.
She got up and opened it immediately. It was the same young man, his eyes red with
fierce tears. “What the fuck just
happened to me?” he said.
“What is your name?” she said.
“Jack,” he said. “Please don’t hurt me.”
“Of course not Jack,” she said. “Are you upset? Why are you here? I don’t know if you should be here.”
“I’m really confused.”
He wiped his eyes on his forearm.
“Can we talk?”
She searched her thoughts, sniffed the air for danger. And then “Sure.” She opened the door wide and he entered. She waved him to the large wide sofa in front
of the TV. “Sit. Do you need a Kleenex?” She pulled one from a box and handed it to
him.
“I’m not trying to scare you,” he said, “but some really
weird shit just happened to me. ”
She looked at him searching, but there was no danger in
him. Just a beautiful young man. “What?”
“You were inside me,” he said.
“Inside you?”
“It felt intense. You
were inside my head.”
“Lola,” she held out her hand. “Name’s Lola.”
He shook her hand.
“Jack.”
“Yes, I know.”
“I know you,” he said, with fervent intensity. “I feel like I really, really know you like
I’ve never known anybody ever because I felt you in my head. Like we were joined. I don’t want to scare you. Am I too weird? Does that make sense? Do you want me to go away?”
He’s really kind of sweet, she thought. “Jack.
Would you like to stay here on the sofa and watch TV with me
awhile? Maybe talk?”
“Okay.”
“Would you like something to drink? Maybe wine?”
“Okay. I just want to
be here with you for a while. Is that
all right?”
“Sure,” she said. She
went to the kitchen and noticed the candy dish in the sink filled with
water. I don’t know this world anymore,
she thought. This is some other
world. Maybe this is heaven. She poured him some Tokay in a little jelly
jar and brought it to him. He sat
nervously, sipping, eyes down almost fearfully and yet his exhilaration at
being here with her thrilled her to the core.
An intense intimacy radiated from him.
She sat next to him, allowed herself to move closer to him as if
comforting a dangerous animal. He seemed
so troubled by her. So deeply stirred. She lifted her hand, touched his cheek with
her fingers. He leaned his face into her
hand; she felt his warm lips brush her palm as if seeking her there. The little fruit jar in his hand was shaking,
making ripples in the wine. He sighed
into her hand as she caressed him with the other, gently taming him.
“Dear boy,” she said.
“Dear, dear boy.” She put her
arms around him and drew him closer, cautiously and gently, not because she was
afraid of him, but because she was afraid for him. That he might fall apart in her hands and
lose himself. She pressed his head to
her breast, felt his hands travel up her arms and snug her closer. His warm breath pulsing against the skin over
her heartbeat.
I know what to do, she thought. I know another magic, the most ancient and
primal magic. The magic of woman with a
man. Let’s try that.
“I’ll be back after I change,” she said, rising. He remained on the sofa, tranquil and
happy. She crossed the room and opened
the door to her bedroom, looking back over her shoulder. “We’ll get to know each other tonight.”
C Sanchez-Garcia