Thursday, November 13, 2014

Enough Already by Giselle Renarde

I've been putting off writing this post because, as usual, it cuts close to the bone.

This fortnight's topic at The Grip is "craving" and, to be honest, there isn't much I do crave these days. Not even foods. Even so, I knew exactly what I needed to write about. Not my cravings, but my partner's.

I can't decide if six and a half years is a long time to be with a person or not. In my mind, it isn't. Fifty years--that's a long time. Six (and a half) years go by in the blink of an eye. Still, after six (and a half) years you kind of know what to expect from a person.

I vaguely recall a stage at the beginning of our relationship when my girlfriend couldn't keep her hands out of my pants, but that feels like a million years ago. Lately, it hasn't been like that. We talk casually about sex, we have sex fairly frequently, but I don't feel like sex is THE THING that makes this a viable relationship. We're built of so much more.

That's why I didn't know how to react earlier this month when my girlfriend's sex drive skyrocketed. It wouldn't have been weird if it was just one day when she was like, "I NEED you NOW!" But it wasn't just one day. It was every day.

Maybe proximity explained it? She's working a job close to my house and, considering we live in different cities, we've had occasion to be together much more than usual. But she's had jobs in my city before and it's never been quite like this. She went from wanting me once in a while to wanting me every day.

Which was... fine, I guess...

Okay, I don't crave sex the way I used to. I don't think about it every three seconds like I did when I was nineteen. I'm supposedly in the prime of my life, but I'm happy to merely take sex when it comes to me. I won't go out looking for it.

But my girlfriend certainly sought me out--again and again, and in a growling taking-what-she-wants way I found strangely intimidating. You think you know a person, and suddenly she's stripping you bare in the alcove beside the emergency exit at her workplace with the door unlocked, when anybody could walk in and catch you at it...

As I wrote that last sentence, it occurred to me that we've done EXACTLY that on more than one occasion, but that was back at the start of the relationship. It's the same act in a different phase of US. That's why it seems so off.

I kept asking her "What's got into you?" and "Where is this coming from?" and she told me, "It's always been there," and I felt shocked. I felt like she'd been hiding this monstrous craving from me for all these years.

The sex itself wasn't problematic. I don't want to sound like I wasn't into it because, honestly, she does a body good. What became problematic, for me, was that suddenly EVERYTHING was sex. The hours we spent talking every day suddenly became SEX SEX SEX. It was like every other aspect of US fell away and all she could see was SEX.

Everything came to a head when I was about to tell her some stupid work-related nothing one day and she was like, "You know what? SEX SEX SEX."  Two weeks of SEX SEX SEX had gone by and it was starting to feel dehumanizing. I had to speak up. And I did. And we had a big argument, but we kept talking (as we always do when we have a big argument) and she understood completely and apologized and told me everything would go back to normal.

And it did, right away. The SEX SEX SEX vibe disappeared overnight and I felt like I had my girlfriend back.

But the thing I couldn't help dwelling on was like... where did it come from in the first place? Had she really been walking around with all that SEX SEX SEX inside her for six and a half years?

I asked her that question and she said, "You have no idea how much you turn me on."

Apparently not.

So where does it go? That became my primary concern. I don't want to think, speak and act SEX SEX SEX every hour of every day, but I also don't want my girlfriend to feel like I'm shutting her down. Luckily, she's too mature to think that way.

She asked me, "What do you do when you want me and I'm not available?"

I put the want away. I tell it to wait.

She said, "That's what I do too. So what are you worried about?"

Where do I even begin?


  1. Wow.

    I have to think about this some more before I can offer an intelligent comment.

    But thank you for your honesty.

  2. I agree with Lisabet. I still have soap in my eyes from Garce's post, but I wanted to immediately express my awe at your courage to present this deeply personal issue and compliment your ability to articulate it so well.

    I am on thin ice offering any insight into lesbian relationships. One thing that stands out to me immediately though is you have six and a half year relationship but you are not married or co-habituating. In the guy world that long without a house or ring leads to charges of lack of commitment. "They" are usually right. Geography could be a significant contributor to your problem.

    My sister and brother-in-law have had a long distance marriage spanning 20 years. Always it's next year that the promotion is coming that will allow them to live together. They visit by phone several times a day and spend occasional weekends together. My sister's world fell apart about a month ago when she discovered that he's cohabitating with another woman with whom he fathered a child that is now five years old.

    You're being very honest in owning your feelings. It might not be you. A sudden shift in a partner's behavior has to raise red flags about what he/she is doing when you're not together.

    Hopefully others here will have better insight.

  3. The fact that the communication lines are always open—and open for real conversation, the kind where people genuinely want to understand each other—spells a happy resolution to this wrinkle, I'm sure. I don't mean to sound like I'm trivializing it, to be sure—I can see why it's a big issue to tackle. But there's hardly anything in a relationship that communication, collaboration (jointly working to make things right for both parties, rather than "my needs vs. your needs" opposition), and sometimes compromise ("let's agree on these new boundaries, so we can both get *some* of what we want") can't manage, if not necessarily "solve."

    I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but in case it hearing it again helps...

  4. Momma X and I *have* been together over 50 years, and I can tell you that in that time, both of our sex drives towards each other have taken dips and gone to wild highs. Over the years, I think I stayed typically male and wanted sex most all the time, but she has had increases that likely have been mostly hormonal. Back in our early fifties, after thirty five years of marriage, we experienced a surge in her drive that was just the perfect balance. We look back at time quite fondly. What Jeremy says above is good advice. If you two keep talking, you will probably work it out.

  5. I know all about that surge-in-your-fiftes (or, often, forties) thing, although not everyone goes through that stage--sort of like a second adolescence--and I understand why that's not as likely in your case. Still, there may well be at least as much of a psychological factor as a hormonal one, a subconscious sense that those daisies had better be gathered in abundance while they're there, and you can reach for them. Come to think of it, I began writing erotica in my fifties, and I can't say for sure which was cause and which was effect.

  6. Sometimes I wonder if writing erotica full-time steals too much of my sexual energy. Hmm... random thought.

  7. My reaction after thinking about this a while is "be careful what you wish for". It's a bit scary to think you want to be the object of overwhelming desire, then to realize, when it happens, that it's not quite as pleasant as you believed it would be.

    I don't think you should worry. It sounds as though you and Sweet are committed to making your relationship work no matter what.

    There ARE mismatches, though. My husband, whom I've been with for 34 years, has zero interest at all in BDSM. That's a bit rough for me to deal with, as you might imagine.

    Especially since he has the cutest, most spankable butt you can imagine!

    But anyway, I've adjusted to this apparent incompatibility. It's worth it, given his other charms.

  8. Hi Giselle!

    I dunno. I guess I'm going to be the jerk of the group here, but wow. The good thing is that you too can talk and survive a disagreement or an adjustment. I will have to take your word that being the mad sex object of a horny woman can get on your nerves. All I can say is that I have never had the problem and I do not believe it will ever be given to me.

    Ignorant maybe I am, nevertheless you must allow me to distantly envy you and grumble in my dull bed.

    So I dunno.

  9. OK, so... I'm not a member of the OGAG blog team, so perhaps it's easier for me to make a certain type of comment that anyone who was a team member might feel, in the spirit of collegial graciousness, reluctant to make to a blogging partner.

    So I will say what I feel cries out to be said here. Garce, I think your response to Giselle's "close to the bone," deeply personal and fraught confession is obtuse and insensitive. Here's somebody sharing an emotionally raw and intimate struggle to process a complex sexual issue that has thrown the most important relationship in her life into a state of imbalance and confusion... and you can't get beyond "hubba hubba, insatiably horny chick"?

    I get that you're in a place where you feel sexually unfulfilled, where being desired is a poignantly appealing concept. I'm sorry. But that doesn't make it appropriate to insist on viewing a real person's complicated real-world problem (and personally I think Giselle has explained very eloquently why it's a problem) as a reflection of your own fantasies.

    I'm sorry.

    1. Actually, my fantasies are quite different.

      Anyway, I don't think I expressed myself well, sometimes I write comments too late at night, like now. I respect Giselle for her vulnerability and honesty, definitely. Its a very powerful post and I was moved by it as were others here. It's the kind of thing I wish I could have written. I'm also glad, as I said, that she has an intimate relationship with a lover she can speak so honestly to. Most people don't. And I do still envy her.

      That's it. End.


  10. Giselle, your posts are always eye-opening! I agree with those who said that honest communication is likely to help resolve things. I'm also wondering if hormones played a role in your girlfriend's increased desire. I hope you have both worked out ways to get what you both want. I know that peaks of lust are rarely perfectly mutual. (Years ago, I had a husband who craved sex in the morning, while I preferred it at night, after the day's work was over. Arrgh.) This may be an unpopular belief, but I think masturbation is a great thing for anyone who craves it right away while the partner is not available or not in the same state of heat.

  11. Giselle, thanks so much for another very honest post, as others have said. I know how painful and confusing sexual mismatches can be, of whatever variety. I'm in awe at the communication skills you and your girlfriend apparently have, though. When I've found myself in similar positions, I don't think my partners and I have communicated nearly as well. I wish you all the best, and I hope that communication helps you both feel close as you sort these issues out.