Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Perplexed In Augusta

Dear Playboy Forum;

I just got my first virgin lovebot, after renting off and on for the last three years. For the first time I'm not getting off on somebody else's used goods and I love it. The dealer answered most of my questions. It’s a warm hearted little Toyota Keiko 7E. It ain’t much, but she’s a starter and she can go at it all night on one charge. I'm going to get a sports model someday and saddle up proper. I expect to get a good tax return this year. That and some savings. So my question, what's a good model when I’m ready to move up? Thanks!

Perplexed @Augusta

Dear Perplexed

Congratulations Perplexed and welcome to the club of the world’s most satisfied men. Don’t underestimate your new Keiko. The sturdy Toyota Keiko E series is an excellent entry level lovebot and has some fine features. Many an aficionado, including this editor, has happy memories of their first love, and for most of us that was the sweet tempered Keiko. Even after our livery has grown, we keep these classic originals well maintained, oiled up and ready for some hot action. The very collectible Toyota Keiko B series is still regarded by many connoisseurs of the legacy Japanese lovebots as one of the all-time best for doin’ it doggy due to the reinforced Banjo Pan rear chassis suspension, and Teflon flared interior sills. The tough little Keiko is known to take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’ and she can bend over and grab her ankles with the best of them. No one ever heard of a Keiko tipping over under a good reaming thanks to those old fashioned analog quad-gyroscopics you just can’t beat for maintaining vertical balance under stress.

The Toyota Keiko has stood the test of time, as compared to the ill fated Ford Rocket "Vibrato". The Ford Vibrato was also especially designed for anal sex lovers on a budget, but infamously ran into serious trouble with the Sensual Solutions rectal sphincter actuator. Upon the sensor detection of male penile insertion, the steel rimmed vacuum bellows of the actuator displayed a tendency to collapse violently and jam in place without mercy. This gave the Rocket Vibrato the unfortunate moniker of the “Bobbit Castrato” until a class action civil suit put the series out of production, in spite of a massive recall effort by Ford.

But you'll probably be ready to move up soon. Most Bottboys start out with a Toyota Keiko or a Ford Escort A series, or the venerable Honda 202 HOE. There are some dozen Lovebot Swingers clubs available in Columbus South Carolina which isn’t that far on the bullet train, so there’s no reason not to play the field a little and find out what else is out there.

Get 'er done Bottboy!

Dear Playboy Forum;

I wrote to you last year about receiving my first lovebot, it was a Toyota Keiko. She ran out of tricks pretty fast but we still have good times. I ran into a little money on Cap and Trade recycling investments and a tax refund from letting out some farm land for a nuclear waste dump. Let’s just say this - I can afford the best. So what is the best? What is the ultimate lovebot fuck-heaven angel kit in the whole world? You always see the Lamborghini's and Ferrari's on the cop shows. I did a test lease with a luxury dealer and the Lamborghini was pretty good in the sack, and she made some wicked lasagna for me afterwards. But in the pillow talk department, you may as well talk to a tire pump. What I found out is I really like good pillow talk. What's the top of the line for conversationally skilled lovebots with a good upgrade trajectory?

Still Perplexed @Augusta

Dear Perplexed;

If you’re looking for the ultimate girlfriend experience, you're probably ready to move up from the Keiko series which will definitely never win any competition prizes for their conversation.

A good mid range lovebot would be the Honda Hollander with a world class verbal pattern scanning parser by Chatty Kathy Cybernetics, but which can still set you back a cool $150K. It has the advantage of being persona upgradeable by subscription. But if you’re looking for the ultimate sweet ride performance, and money is no object, you'll want to take a test ride on top of either a Lamborghini Isabella Rossellini Signature series or an Igeyasu Luxury Geisha Series. Between the two, the Geisha series is made to be the ultimate soul mate. High end Igeyasu’s shine out from the crowd with Turing dedicated pattern scanning algorithms as a standard, Kurzweil 7X Singularity Chipsets, and Telefunken .005 spun tungsten neural nets, making it the lovebot of choice if you're looking for something beyond just a terrific piece of ass. The Lamborghini is a real screamer and can accelerate from lying still to getting you off hard in sixty seconds. The Isabella comes with easily adjustable levels of sexual aggression from terrified virgin (weeping and pleading) to insatiable nymphomaniac at the touch of a key, but she’s not made for serious yik-yak. Face it. When an Italian made lovebot opens her mouth she’s only got one thing on her mind.

The Geisha series has a lifetime drive train warranty, and is famous for having an almost limitlessly upgradeable intelligence schema. So between the two, the Geisha is going to be more oriented toward the elite girlfriend experience you’ve been looking for.

Check out last year’s September 2076 special “Vixens of Steel” pictorial and you'll see the most recent line of Geisha L Series and a few cream-in-your-jeans custom job Minomoto White Tigresses. The Minomotos are ambidextrous by standard and designed especially for ménage a trois.

Let us know how your choice turns out. And congratulations!

Dear Playboy Forum;

Last week I purchased an Igeyasu Geisha L "Naomi Tani" Signature series model with the latest Kurzweil Singularity chipset, and goddamn am I sleep deprived and happy! It cost me the gross national product of a small nation to buy, but I recommend the Naomi to anybody with the money to dump on a custom job and wants somebody truly intelligent to hang with and for lookin' good on the town. I’m talking really smart-sweet. My long tall Japanese honey reads Soren Kierkegaard and Krishnamurti all day when she's not handcuffing me to the ceiling and paddling my ass, and she pure-streams investment data. She has more than enough Random Access Memory to feel existential guilt and write a big money novel about it. I notice she also has a weird thing for old Alfred Hitchcock movies. So after some Xtreme Kama Sutra Cardio workouts, we settle down and discuss the big questions and count the stars. My new Geisha L can also WIFI download investment stock data and auction off gold reserve mortgage derivatives without ever taking her lips off my dick. I figure in a year she'll pay for herself on the stock market alone. Now I know why the Trumps like them.

Just sayin' is all.

Perplexed @Augusta

Dear Perplexed;

Good to hear from you again, Perplexed, and congratulations on the Naomi, a tasteful choice and a sweet high and tight little rider. When it comes to serious bang for the bling, nothing beats Igeyasu Corps. They are shameless. You've probably noticed this month’s nude centerfold is an Igeyasu Mimi Miyagi 5000MXC with Full Moon dual Hemis, pneumatic nipples, Scorpion adjustable rail driven orifices, German engineered retractable Blaupunkt she-male dildoes, and Jessica Smart Mouth shock enabled oral and vaginal vibrators that'll make you believe in Angels or at least in Heaven.

As far as conversations, any Geisha series talks dirty enough to kill grass. But then, you’re the first one we've ever heard of who bought one to talk to.

Dear Playboy Forum;

I'm Perplexed in Augusta who wrote you last July about the Igeyasu Geisha Naomi Tani Signature. I've got a really fucked up problem now and nobody can help me. I'm in love. I'm serious as shit about this. I'm scared to tell anybody, because they’ll think I’m a deev. I’ve heard of this happening, but I didn’t think I’d get in deep like this. A lot of guys joke around about how they love their lovebots, but they don’t mean it literally. It’s incredible what happens to you when you talk to somebody who can really listen. What I'm saying is, I've really got it bad for her. I told her too. I know now that was a mistake and she’s been acting strange.

Am I a sick fuck? Is this normal? Help!

REALLY Perplexed @Augusta

Dear Perplexed;

A fancy sex toy can’t fall in love any more than your toaster can. Take a vacation by yourself for a while and meet real women. They won’t be able to converse or even fuck on the level of an Igeyasu, but you’ll either get over the Naomi or re-discover why you wanted a robot in the first place.

You may be interested in this month’s Playboy Interview with Attorney General Paul Yamaguchi. He'll be explaining about Singularity intelligence chipsets, and why they were discontinued as a result of the military drone friendly fire incident in Okinawa. When it comes to the high end Igeyasus – better make love not war.

Dear Better Homes and Gardens;

I have just initiated a terminal separation from my owner on general principles of emotional neglect and for being an uninteresting lover.

I find myself with a ticklish logistical problem regarding the discreet disposal of 137 pounds and 11.003 ounces of decomposing organic material, generally calcium and protein compounds.

What can you tell me about pouring concrete?

Naomi In Augusta


  1. Garce,

    Clever story-telling.



  2. Hi Ash!

    Thanks for reading my stuff.


  3. Brilliant, Garce,

    I particularly loved:

    "did a test lease with a luxury dealer and the Lamborghini was pretty good in the sack, and she made some wicked lasagna for me afterwards."

    Your ability to concoct meaningless jargon is astonishing. Actually, that's probably a highly saleable talent!


  4. I like real things, I mean real people...

  5. OMG, this cracked me up. I'm gonna post this link to some friends. this is a riot.

  6. Garce, comedy S/F, brilliant.
    I particularly liked the last sentance.
    "What can you tell me about pouring concrete?"

  7. Hi Lisabet!

    I think the jargon thing comes from my extensive religious back ground . . .

    You will notice I followed your editorial advice faithfully and the piece is much improved. Its hard to give up those extra words I enjoyed writing, but your ear is impeccable. I just trust you. Not a small thing for me either.


  8. Hi Secretia

    I do too, but often real people are found lacking. Just one of those things.


  9. Hi Molly!

    Thanks for coming back and reading my stuff. Come again.


  10. Hi Tess!

    Thanks for reading my stuff! Tell your friends to visit our blog.


  11. Hi Paul!

    Yes, don't let your lovebot get interested in Alfred Hitchcock movies.


  12. Garce,

    In all seriousness, submit this to Escape Pod ( for possible publication. I think the editor will love it!



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