Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A survivor ... not a victim

I've known since I saw this topic just which character my answer had to be - Alisa from Diggin' Up Bones, which was published by Phaze.

She's not a spy, or a kick-ass warrior women, nor is she really sure in herself.

What she is is a survivor.

* * *
"I just want us to be friends again."

Good ol' Zach, everybody's buddy. Even after she pushed him away, he had tried to remain her friend. The annual birthday and Christmas cards he sent her like clockwork testified to that fact. It was the other gifts, the treasured book on Valentine's Day, sent by messenger and without a card, the single red rose delivered on the anniversary of their first date, and the dozens of other little things that he anonymously sent to her that let her know he was still in love with her. And it all nearly broke her heart.

As much as she hated to do it, she had to be firm. She wasn't ready for him yet—and didn't know if she ever would be. She loved him too much to ask him to wait.

"I don't think we can be friends. Now, if you don't mind, I have some work to do." As he pulled his foot back, Alisa gently closed the door and locked it. Leaning against the heavy wood, she allowed the tears to flow. So many years and so much wasted time. Smacking her palm against the door in frustration, she slowly slid down to the floor and brought her knees up against her chest.

It was so unfair. She had just started pulling her life back together, back to the point that she had considered dating again. She needed to find a nice, non-threatening man first, someone who was as opposite from Zach as she could get. Setting his height aside, he was the most physically overwhelming person she knew. His striking features gave silent testimony to his partial Native American heritage and captured feminine attention instantly. His hands—she shivered just thinking about them. So firm, with calluses from farm work and his digs, just rough enough to lightly abrade her skin. His strong, broad shoulders begged a woman to curl up against him and let him shelter her from all the world's problems.

Laughing softly and without humor, Alisa admitted that was part of the problem. If she had told him, he would have smothered her, trying to fix it all for her. She feared he might even have killed for her, if it came down to it.

* * *
Alisa suffered one of the most horribles act another human being can do to another, a voilation of trust, a violation of the body. She suffered rape at the hands of someone she thought she could trust, which destroyed her life. And her relationship with Zach, the love of her life.
She turns away from him, unable to ask for his help, and unwilling to bring him into the dispair she felt.
* * *
Gasping softly, she dropped to her knees, her legs too weak to hold her. Tipping her head into the spray, she flipped her hair over her shoulder and let the water wash away her tears, as they streamed from her eyes.

The emptiness of not having Zack's arms to hold her as she cried returned, along with the horrible, terrifying memory of another man holding her down, violating her.
* * *
When Zach comes back into her life, she finds the courage to try again, to push out the dark memories and embrace what should have been.
* * *
Looking into his eyes, she sank down another inch. She felt her body stretching to accommodate him. Trying to relax her muscles, even as she worried it would hurt, she lowered herself another inch.

Zach groaned softly, his hands caressing his thighs. His touch exhilarated her. She was taking control of her life. She was intimately joined with the only man she had ever loved, and she was obviously turning him on.

She'd been using a battery-operated boyfriend for a while now, but it didn't compare to the real thing in length or girth. The heat and curve of his cock added a dimension plastic never could. Sucking in another deep breath, she held it and ground down against him. Alisa thought she'd pass out as he seemed to fill her completely, his cock pressing against all of her slick inner walls so deliciously.

Zach's hands fisted in the bed sheet as she slowly rocked back and forth on him. Beads of sweat broke out on his forehead as he restrained himself. Her heart bursting with love for him, she tightened her pussy around his cock.

He raised his hands to her breasts, his thumb rolling over her rock hard nipples. Looking down, the sight of his tanned fingers pinching and tweaking her coral colored nipples on her otherwise fair skin caused her pussy to clench in pleasure.

"I need more," she whimpered, jerking against him. "I don't know...I feel so...please, Zach."
His eyes watchful, he moved beneath her. Alisa gasped at the sensations caused by just the slight movement of his cock within her. Closing her eyes, she tossed her head back and gave herself up to the bliss—trusting Zach completely to keep her safe.
* * *
Alisa, although she is just a character, is like many women, and never reported what happened to her. She felt shame, felt it was all her fault, that somehow, she had done something to bring in on herself.
In many ways, this story is my best work, and my most heartbreaking. I love this story.
In the end, Alisa made the choice to be a survivor, and not a victim. She isn't my most charismatic character, or my sexiest. But she is my favorite. The one that I feel the closest to.
For anyone out there who has been through a horrible violation of trust, you are not alone. Whether it was rape, abuse or incest that you SURVIVED, it's never too late to open yourself up to help.
The National Sexual Assult Hotline is 1-800-656-HOPE It's free. It's confidential. It's 24/7
Visit http://www.rainn.org/ for more information on how you can get help, or how you can help others.
Remember - you are not alone.


  1. This story sounds like it has a lot of soul. Its a difficult thing to make a strong character who is also vulnerable. I found myself wanting to be Zach also.

    Very good!


  2. Hello, Michelle,

    A wonderful choice, well-justified. Thank you for sharing Alisa's story.


  3. Thanks Garce. Certainly it absorbed a lot of my soul during the writing process. The rought draft was written in one evening, leaving me exhausted and yet feeling peaceful. The fleshing out and editing process took much, much longer.

  4. Thanks Lisabet. I was actually wondering if anyone was going to comment, and was debating if I had posted the wrong character. But after thinking about it, and debating it all day, I found I still wouldn't have picked any other. She's my favorite.

  5. Michelle,

    One of the reasons I adore being a part of the Grip (and feel guilty for my absence this week) is that I'm working alongside such talented writers.

    This is sensitive and articulate writing.

    It's a genuine pleasure to be writing on the same blog with you.


  6. Ash - Thank you. I worry sometimes that I am a dead weight to the blog, that you could have someone more well known, who is better able to articulate their thoughts. So comments like yours really cheer me up.


  7. Hi Michelle,

    I really appreciated your explanation of why you chose this character—it struck me as sensitive, astute, and sincere. There seems to me an obvious strength in the character of Alisa.

    Thank you for sharing this.

  8. Michelle,

    It sounds like Alisa not only survived but overcame - that takes incredible strength of character. I can definitely see why you picked her.

  9. Thanks Bronwyn. : ) She was a very hard character to get across, so shy and yet strong.


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