Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Death By Ham Slicer

The problem, for me, with the connection between sex and food, is the problem I usually have with many sexy things.

They are not actually sexy in reality.

Like some of the bondage in Anne Rice's Beauty series. It is not sexy. It would kill you. And while most foods will not kill you when mixed with sex - unless, maybe, you leave out some raw seafood on someone's belly for an inadvisable amount of time - I still often experience a disconnect between what fantasy is wanting me to believe and what reality tells me is true.

Now don't get me wrong! I can suspend some of this belief for certain things. Whipped cream, for example. I find whipped cream to be actually quite sexy when spoken about, in a naughty book. A long line of it painted down someone's back...yeah. I can get onboard with that.

Only...you see...my brain is a killjoy. It tells me constantly what whipped cream is really like. You put cold whipped cream on a hot body? It melts into some sort of horrendous sickly goo that tastes like utter, utter shit.

But I can still believe in whipped cream because at least it looks sexy and is believable in the way it's always believable that coffee tastes like the most heavenly thing on the planet just because of its glorious smell. Even though I really think it tastes like donkey poo.

Plus, it won't give you a nasty infection or a horrid burn, the way, say, drizzling just cooked caramel onto someone's body would. Or even hot chocolate, really- it'll take your fookin' nipples off!

And then there's the whole area of things in the vagina. A cucumber I can see. I can get. As long as it's clean, that's cool. There's nothing lurking in a cucumber- no sudden searing heat. No probable yeast infections. Nothing to make a terrible, terrible mess that you'll never see the end of, not even when you're fifty and hooked up to some contraption that keeps your vagina going because in your youth, you were stupid enough to shove a McDonald's apple pie up there.

That's right, folks. A McDonald's apple pie may seem cool on the outside. But inside, it's molten lava! And you can't ever sue because you stuck one of those in your vagina. Everyone knows you're not supposed to put it there.

So you've just got to live with it, forever. Applevaginaitis.

Don't even get me started on sticking actual apples up there. They don't fit, ok? And don't stick it up someone's ass in your erotic story, either, because not only does it not fit, your main character will end up digesting an apple backwards.

And then they'll poop out of their mouths.

Does that sound sexy to you? I didn't think so.

Other things that are not sexy:

1. Mars bars in the vagina. No. No. You're just asking for a yeast infection for your main character and even if you weren't- imagine the mess! Just really think about that, for a second. The toffee. The caramel. Oh dear God, the nougat! Not to mention the fact that you've just wasted a perfectly good sweet treat on a thing that can't taste or swallow. A vagina doesn't even have a tongue.

2. Milk. Ugh. See whipped cream. Body temperature milk? Ugh. And I don't even want to know from whence it came, either. If a character has just shoved it up another character's orifice, I'm going to be very upset.

3. Bananas. And yes, I know loads of people have used bananas sexily. It can be done. But even so mostly what I end up thinking is: bananas break down very, very easily under stress. One light squeeze and they're done for. You know what lightly squeezes? A vagina. In fact, sometimes it doesn't even lightly squeeze, and then it's BANANA ARMAGEDDON.

Not sexy. But there are a lot of foods that can be sexy. Especially if they're meant to be body temperature and taste delicious that way, and if smearing them is fun. Like, say:

1. Chocolate. With one proviso: not as lube. Just something about that says suddenly dry searing agony.

2. Strawberries. What? You can smear strawberries. And they don't taste like shit when slightly warm. Plus, although they mush easily, there's far less bulk for them than there is for a banana. At the most you're going to have a STRAWBERRY MINOR CRISIS.

3. Ham.

Nah, I'm just kidding for that last one. Ham??? Jesus no. For a start, if you laid slices of ham on someone's body, it's only going to look like you're Buffalo Bill trying to re-enact his last costume party. People are going to think your main character is a serial killer. Your heroine is going to think your main character is a serial killer. You've actually written The Deli Counter Murders, instead of Hot Spicy Pancetta Love.

You can see how food is a problem, can't you? It's not just me, is it? Maybe I should try focussing on eating things sexily, rather than picturing dudes covered in ham...


  1. Nicely put. I can vouch for the fact that hot chocolate or hot caramel is hotter than hot wax and much more difficult to get off. Things pushed inside that may not come back out again - not appealling.

    Strawberries. Ah, images of Natasha Kinski in "Tess" being fed a luscious strawberry, almost as plump and desireable as her own lips and saying "I'd rather take it from my own hand sir." Gives me shivers everytime.

    The ham idea took me to a strange place: croque monsieur. This is a French grilled ham and cheese sandwich. I've never understood the monsieur piece of it. When you suggested ham as erotic I immediately mentally renamed the thing cock monsieur - surely that makes a lot more sense.

    Thanks for a fun look at the gap between fact and fantasy and all the places that food can lodge in between.

  2. Charlotte- you adorable nut. Thanks for the laugh.

  3. One of the nicer things I've seen in my local fetish club was a scene where a woman was covered in slices of fresh fruit which a group of people ate off her body. And yes, she needed a shower afterwards. Not just because of the fruit juice, but all those lips against delicate parts of her flesh...

    But you're right, there can be a gap between what's good as a fantasy and what's good in reality (and what might be downright dangerous!) in food as well as other things. Far too many things to list, now I start to think about it.

    Vaginas with tongues - you have them with teeth in horror stories, so why not with tongues in fantasy stories? An alien encounter fantasy for example?

    The croque monsieur thing - according to Wikipedia, first recorded instance on a menu was in Paris in 1910, and first published use was in Proust, 'A la Recherche du Temps Perdu', in 1918. The derivation is 'unclear'

    There's also a croque madame, which if I remember rightly if a croque monsieur with a fried egg on top. No, I can't explain that either...

  4. Banana Armegeddon! Applevaginitis! Oh dear, you've outdone yourself, Charlotte!

    You're completely right, of course. But you're supposed to be so turned on you JUST DON'T CARE. Hard to achieve, even under the best of circumstances for someone like me, but it's enjoyable to imagine being that aroused. That is, in fact, part of the appeal.

    That being said, I do have a scene near that end of Raw Silk involving a (small) mango inserted into the pussy of the heroine. Afterwards, one of the male characters peels and eats it...

    (I'd completely forgotten about this until you mentioned apples...)


  5. Mike- see! I should definitely be focussing on people sexily eating things, rather than not so sexily shoving things up their bums. But maybe Bradley Cooper sexily eaten a banana, rather than Natasha...

    Kathleen- always thrilled to make you laugh, bb.

    Fulani- am definitely going to have explore this tongue vagina thing, now.

    Lisabet- I am a sucker for being just too turned on to care, I have to say. Anyone could probably get away with a hot banana up the bum scene if they got their characters (and me) hot enough to not be bothered!

  6. I used to think Ashley was insane, but compared to you, he's merely crazy! This was brilliant and now I'll have to go write The Deli Counter Murders, with a sex-crazed lunatic as the serial killer.


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