The problem, for me, with the connection between sex and food, is the problem I usually have with many sexy things.
They are not actually sexy in reality.
Like some of the bondage in Anne Rice's Beauty series. It is not sexy. It would kill you. And while most foods will not kill you when mixed with sex - unless, maybe, you leave out some raw seafood on someone's belly for an inadvisable amount of time - I still often experience a disconnect between what fantasy is wanting me to believe and what reality tells me is true.
Now don't get me wrong! I can suspend some of this belief for certain things. Whipped cream, for example. I find whipped cream to be actually quite sexy when spoken about, in a naughty book. A long line of it painted down someone's back...yeah. I can get onboard with that.
Only...you see...my brain is a killjoy. It tells me constantly what whipped cream is really like. You put cold whipped cream on a hot body? It melts into some sort of horrendous sickly goo that tastes like utter, utter shit.
But I can still believe in whipped cream because at least it looks sexy and is believable in the way it's always believable that coffee tastes like the most heavenly thing on the planet just because of its glorious smell. Even though I really think it tastes like donkey poo.
Plus, it won't give you a nasty infection or a horrid burn, the way, say, drizzling just cooked caramel onto someone's body would. Or even hot chocolate, really- it'll take your fookin' nipples off!
And then there's the whole area of things in the vagina. A cucumber I can see. I can get. As long as it's clean, that's cool. There's nothing lurking in a cucumber- no sudden searing heat. No probable yeast infections. Nothing to make a terrible, terrible mess that you'll never see the end of, not even when you're fifty and hooked up to some contraption that keeps your vagina going because in your youth, you were stupid enough to shove a McDonald's apple pie up there.
That's right, folks. A McDonald's apple pie may seem cool on the outside. But inside, it's molten lava! And you can't ever sue because you stuck one of those in your vagina. Everyone knows you're not supposed to put it there.
So you've just got to live with it, forever. Applevaginaitis.
Don't even get me started on sticking actual apples up there. They don't fit, ok? And don't stick it up someone's ass in your erotic story, either, because not only does it not fit, your main character will end up digesting an apple backwards.
And then they'll poop out of their mouths.
Does that sound sexy to you? I didn't think so.
Other things that are not sexy:
1. Mars bars in the vagina. No. No. You're just asking for a yeast infection for your main character and even if you weren't- imagine the mess! Just really think about that, for a second. The toffee. The caramel. Oh dear God, the nougat! Not to mention the fact that you've just wasted a perfectly good sweet treat on a thing that can't taste or swallow. A vagina doesn't even have a tongue.
2. Milk. Ugh. See whipped cream. Body temperature milk? Ugh. And I don't even want to know from whence it came, either. If a character has just shoved it up another character's orifice, I'm going to be very upset.
3. Bananas. And yes, I know loads of people have used bananas sexily. It can be done. But even so mostly what I end up thinking is: bananas break down very, very easily under stress. One light squeeze and they're done for. You know what lightly squeezes? A vagina. In fact, sometimes it doesn't even lightly squeeze, and then it's BANANA ARMAGEDDON.
Not sexy. But there are a lot of foods that can be sexy. Especially if they're meant to be body temperature and taste delicious that way, and if smearing them is fun. Like, say:
1. Chocolate. With one proviso: not as lube. Just something about that says suddenly dry searing agony.
2. Strawberries. What? You can smear strawberries. And they don't taste like shit when slightly warm. Plus, although they mush easily, there's far less bulk for them than there is for a banana. At the most you're going to have a STRAWBERRY MINOR CRISIS.
Nah, I'm just kidding for that last one. Ham??? Jesus no. For a start, if you laid slices of ham on someone's body, it's only going to look like you're Buffalo Bill trying to re-enact his last costume party. People are going to think your main character is a serial killer. Your heroine is going to think your main character is a serial killer. You've actually written The Deli Counter Murders, instead of Hot Spicy Pancetta Love.
You can see how food is a problem, can't you? It's not just me, is it? Maybe I should try focussing on eating things sexily, rather than picturing dudes covered in ham...