Tuesday, June 14, 2016

OMG, I have to write a cowboy story, so kill me NOW by Suz deMello

I'm part of an online group that helps out with a romance readers site--it gives me free exposure on a busy site without much work on my part. This group also puts out a boxed set here and there.

This year, the organizer (rather dictatorially) decided that the theme is...cowboys.

Several people immediately said, "No, thank you, I don't write cowboys."

I said, "Well, I'll try," while feeling dubious.

I am mystified by the attraction some people (and many romance readers) have toward cowboys. They strike me as smelly and stupid, good ol' boys obsessed with either horses or trucks or both.

But I tried and still am trying. Here are my abortive efforts:

This first one was going to be about an underqualified secretary and her new boss:

Her Cowboy “Daddy”

Chapter One

Laura Hendrix smoothed her denim skirt with sweaty, nervous fingers, wishing she’d worn something fancier to meet her new boss. She didn’t know much about him except that the Randalls had hired him to whip the ranch finances into shape.

“Is he permanent?” she asked Dave Randall, the owner of the Double R, as the Randall spread was called.

“Maybe. Probably. I don’t know,” he said, lowering his bulk into a rocking chair tucked into a corner of the whitewashed porch.

“He’s permanent.” Janet Randall’s voice was firm. The other owner and Dave’s wife, Janet had a will like tempered steel and a laser focus on her husband’s welfare. Everyone knew that since 62-year-old Dave’s heart attack, Janet wasn’t taking any chances on his well-being. She’d hired Logan Maxwell sight unseen from the internet while Dave was still in the hospital, presenting the new CFO of the Double R as a fait accompli.

“I hope we get along.” Laura hoped she sounded calm, but her insides were roiling. She had enough hassles avoiding the ranch hands’ unwanted attentions. She liked cowboys well enough, as long as they showered after their work shifts. Often, they didn’t.

And she was worried that she’d fallen short. She had only an AA from the local community college, and knew she didn’t have the accounting skills that the Double R needed.

She needed this job. She had to get along with this guy.

In the distance, a black SUV that had seen better days stopped at the little gatehouse at the ranch’s entrance. The gate opened, and the SUV neared, its tires crunching on the gravel lane leading to the main house.

Dave sighed, and Janet scurried to his side. “What’s up, honeybear?”

“I’m a little tired and thirsty.” He sounded embarrassed, and Laura, knowing he was ashamed of his weakness, slipped discreetly to the other side of the porch as Janet helped him out of his chair.

She turned to Laura as they walked slowly to the screen door. “Please greet Mr. Maxwell and show him around.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Laura’s palms itched, and she again rubbed them on her skirt, then straightened her plaid blouse.

That was as far as I got, having opened Facebook out of sheer boredom.

2d effort: about a waitress who cuts herself and the cowboy who healed her heart:

Luanne’s Cowboy

Chapter One

Triple Forks, Montana
late May

Luanne tugged the bright white cuffs of her plaid uniform shirt down over her wrists, adjusted her denim skirt and grabbed a trayful of breakfasts. Glancing at the order stub tucked beneath a plate of ham and grits, she headed for a booth near the diner’s front door. Balancing the tray on one upturned hand was a skill that continued to elude her, so she held the tray with both hands and set its edge on the table as she served three men at a four-top.

“Hey there, Luanne.”

“Good morning, Mr. Robinson.” She served ham and grits to Dave Robinson, the owner of the Double R, who emphatically shouldn’t be eating that dish. The lean ham was fine, but the grits, laden with heavy cream, butter and salt, should have been off Dave’s diet since his heart attack and surgery. She mentally shrugged, telling herself that criticizing a customer’s order would lead to nothing but disaster.

She needed this job, she thought as she served a Denver omelette to his foreman, who nodded to her with a slight smile. Best to shut up, look pretty, and collect tips.

She didn’t recognize the third man, who she thought of as “Slab of Moo with Flop Two on a Raft”—steak with two eggs over easy on toast. He was sure easy on the eyes, though—an older Sam Waterston type in a plaid western-style shirt, sleeves rolled up to expose brawny, suntanned forearms. Blue eyes twinkled from a nest of crow’s feet.

Something that was knotted up inside her relaxed, but she didn’t know why. She slid his breakfast in front of him, eyed his half-full mug, and said, “I’ll bring more coffee.”

His hand shot forward, grasping her wrist. Startled, she stopped. The something inside of her that had calmed now twisted anew, and she stiffened.

Trapped. She didn’t like that.

She disengaged herself while he asked, “Are you married? You’re not wearing a ring.”

Her mind blanked. “What? I’m only nineteen.” She shot him a look that probably showed how befuddled she was by the question. She barked out a laugh. “Married? No.”

Hell no was more like it. Not after suffering through her parents’ marriage, which had been more like a battlefield, with their kids—Luanne and her fifteen-year-old brother Jack—stuck in the crossfire. She’d left, taking Jack, the day she turned eighteen. She’d gotten a job at the diner and rented a studio apartment for them both. Okay, their little home might be crummy and crowded, but it was safe and peaceful.

She’d never marry, and didn’t plan even to let anyone get too close.

“So will you go out with me Saturday night?”

She huffed out a breath. “No.” Then, remembering her manners, she said, “Thank you, but no.”

And that’s the end of that, she thought, while pouring his coffee without meeting his keen blue gaze.

There's more--this was actually going well until I got to the dinner date. Then it just...went dead.

Then I decided that maybe writing a historical would keep my interest.

Dulcie’s Place  

Chapter One

She’d been a showgirl with bleached hair, a big laugh and bigger tits. When the girls had started to fall, she headed out west to make her fortune in the brawling mining camps that had sprung up after gold had been discovered in California.

Without knowing quite where to go, she’d landed in Sacramento, the gateway to the gold country. She hoped that the miners coming through the town from San Francisco would want a last poke from one of the soiled doves she’d hired.

She liked her life. She’d saved, so her bordello was the finest in Sacramento. The big bar had been carved from a single, massive __________ trunk and stretched fully ____ feet long. The piano had been imported from France—the player she’d hired liked Mozart, and those lively, tinkling refrains added to the relaxed atmosphere.

Stained glass trimmed lamps and windows, also hung with thick, green velvet drapes, which matched rugs scattered over the polished ___floor. The stamped tin ceiling was painted green and gold. The girls, dressed in green, pink, cream and gold, looked and smelled like flowers.  Mirrors reflected all.

Dulcie set her hands on the bar and breathed. Just breathed. Breathed in the good aromas of stewed chicken, perfume, whiskey and men. Lots of men. 

Cowboys, miners and local businessmen crowded the front room of Dulcie’s Place, which hummed and buzzed with conversation and music. The clatter of silverware against fine china came from the dining room behind her, while a discreet bump or two on the ceiling above told her that her girls were doing their jobs in the rooms upstairs.

All was well.

All was perfect.

All was perfect until a roughly dressed cowboy burst in through the elaborately carved front doors with a gun drawn, shouting, “Where’s the no-good asshole who ruined my sister?”

Aaaaand then...you guessed it. I just couldn't think of what would happen next.

But that's understandable, right? I've never written anything Wild West-ish. But I've written stuff set in Britain--a lot of it. I love that sort of thing.

This one just might work:

The Cowboy and His Countess

Chapter One

London, 1870

Nate Fortune rolled the dusty brim of his hat with long, tanned fingers and shuffled his feet, shod in battered boots, on the thick, carved rug. He regarded the somberly dressed man of business across the wide desk, feeling as out of place as Cinderella at a round-up. “You mean to tell me I...I...I...”

When words failed him, the man of business took over. “That is correct, my lord. You have inherited, through your father’s lineage, a manor house in Kent and a hunting box in the Cotswolds, along with the title.”

“I’m, I’m an earl.”

“Yes, you are. Lord Darlingside.”

“Well, there’s a sissy name.”

The man shrugged. “However, you will inherit the funds only if you marry a peeress.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Your holdings have been sorely neglected. When your father became estranged from his family and moved to America, his father, the late earl and your grandfather, lost interest in maintaining his—your—estates. The properties do not generate enough income at present to effect repairs. You need the capital to bring your legacy up to snuff and to do that, you must marry.”

“And marry well.”

“‘Well’ is a comparative term, my lord. Your bride’s dowry need not be considerable. She must, however, be well- born and –bred.”

“A member of the English aristocracy.”

“Yes, my lord.”

Nate rubbed his jaw. “And where shall I find such a lady?”

The man of affairs smiled. “I know just the place.”


Nate glanced at a mirror just inside the entrance to the Almack’s Assembly Rooms and thought he looked like a pansy. The ruffled shirt was beyond ridiculous even without its silk-trimmed collar, which was so high he could scarcely turn his head.

Yes, it's  a familiar formula, but it just might work.

Wish me luck.




  1. Hilarious! However, I TOTALLY understand your frustration. I often tell people I've written pretty much every genre, but I've never really written a cowboy story. I honestly can't see the fascination, though they are apparently very popular.

    Closest I've come is "Spank Me Again, Stranger", which mostly takes place in a rancher's bar in New Mexico. No horses or lariats, though.

    But Sacchi has written cowgirls, fabulous ones. Maybe she can help.

  2. I love this post! It's very interesting to see this far inside someone else's creative process. Thanks for posting your false starts, Suz. It's brave to do so. Maybe some of them would work if you kept going a little more? I find that just about every idea seems bad to me about a page and a half in. It's one of the pitfall points that I've noticed and have learned to pay attention to. In any case, maybe you won't need that suggestion and your last idea will work.

    "I am mystified by the attraction some people (and many romance readers) have toward cowboys."

    Cowboys have never really done it for me either, but I do have a couple of ideas about their appeal. 1) Knights/paladins/cowboys. There is a tradition of a certain sort of noble hero that I think cowboys can be attached to. 2) Horses. I don't know what it is about horses, but there's something very sexy about them. I think a character's deep association with horses can be a very hot thing. 3) Rope. Or maybe that's just because I like BDSM? 4) The Outdoors. Tends to make people rugged, which can be really hot.

    But as Lisabet said, Sacchi is probably the best one of us to ask. The cowgirl story she was reading at the Best Lesbian Erotica readings had all of us in the audience shifting uncomfortably due to elevated pulse and altered breathing... ;)

    1. I've heard it said that women riders can orgasm on horseback. Guess it would touch all the right... ahem... bases.

    2. Depends somewhat on the style of saddle.

      I did think of adding that the cowboy could attract the attention of the woman by his insistence on using a Western-style saddle, with saddle horn, etc. She might enjoy trying it herself.

  3. When it comes to romance, men with most of their teeth tend to read sexier.

  4. That last piece might work if Nate encounters a tomboyish, rebellious girl who hates being at Almack's at least as much as he does, and would rather stay in the country with her horses. She could rebuff him at first if he approaches her to dance, and then slip away early, eluding her chaperone. He gets the hell out of town as soon as he can and retreats to his run-down estate, where they meet again by chance on an early morning ride on the moors, or downs, or through the forest, or whatever the location is. Cotswalds? Must be places to gallop there. She tries to elude him, galloping off, but he can ride even better than she can and catches up. A bit of antagonistic interplay, some grudging companionship, and eventually she confides that she dreams of living in the wild west instead of musty Olde Englande. Love overcomes all, they decide to make his estate into a horse breeding business, or maybe to spend part of each year in England and part in Montana or wherever. Complications could be parents demanding she marry someone richer, or injuries to the girl or her horse, or any number of things.

    My stories generally involve lesbians, so I get to play with two feisty, independent woman striking sparks off each other. In the one Annabeth mentions, my central characters are a young girl competing at bull riding and almost killing her brother when the girl she thought liked her turns to him instead, and a somewhat older woman, a singer with the band at the rodeo, who used to be a champion bullwhip artiste at county fairs. Needless to say, with a bullwhip in the picture, there's certain element of BDSM involved. (All this is a fleshing out of a brief flashback in another story, which focusses on the bull rider a few later visiting Amsterdam after getting in trouble at an international equestrian event.)

  5. Thanks for all your comments--wow, Saachi, your take is wonderful.

    In mine, I'm planning for him to see not one but two appealing women across the room at Almack's. Turns out that one is the "companion" of the other (ahem) giving rise to some hot threesome action later in the story. But I like the idea of making one of them really into horses and breeding them, which would give them something in common besides an insane sexual attraction (which is usually what my characters rely upon).

    So thanks!

  6. My suggestion would be to make the cowperson a cowgirl, to give the story a twist. Then the person who gets romanced could be a woman or a man. But that would require you to "become" a cowgirl, and I'm not sure how convincing you could be. I've never been a fan of westerns. The idea of some smelly guy who never gets to wash and smells like horses and cowshit, trying to romance me is gross. Maybe for a quickie, like a flash fiction about a visit to a dude ranch? I read one involving a tub, which takes care of the smelly part. But as a life-partner? No thanks.

    I find the whole American idolization of the old west to be ridiculous. The folks who want to strap on a gun and stroll around in downtown big cities in 2016 because they think it makes them macho like a cowboy, are pitiful. Why not just strap on what you really want to show, your 12-inch dildo? That symbolic penis that shoots at people is killing way too many these days, and I think part of the blame can be thrown at the feet of the symbolic west that some folks want us to return to...when men were real men, and women and people of color knew their places...and there were no GLBT people. Ri-ight.

    Husband says in reality the first thing you had to do when you entered a town back then was surrender your gun to the sheriff. So no strolling about with your manhood on display. The longing for the halcyon days of yore that never existed is guaranteeing that many of us won't live long enough to see any future days.

  7. Well said, Fiona. Suz, your unfinished cowboy stories are so funny that they point in a certain direction: intentional humor, or parody. How about a spoof of an old Western TV show ("Gunsmoke" or "Maverick")? Maybe a spoof wouldn't be accepted for a serious romance series or anthology, but you could probably publish it somewhere.


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