Wednesday, August 17, 2016

"Fifty Ways to Be an Asshole" A song of entitlement

In the book "Assholes:  A Theory"  philospher Aaron James delineates three guidelines by which a genuine specimen of Asshole may be distinguished from his closely associated sub species - the Ass Clown and the Ass Hat, speaking specifically of the male of the species as delineated apart from the female, otherwise classified as "Bitch".

An Asshole may be identified thus:

1)  He is motivated by an entrenched (and mistaken) sense of entitlement
2)  He allows himself special advantages in his social relationships, and does so systematically.
3)  He is immunized against the complaints of others.

This is extended to Mr James sequel "Assholes:  A Theory About Donald Trump"

I've been fascinated by this election season and I've also been taking some refuge in rediscovering some of my old Paul Simon CDs.  How about this - I've written a song based on Paul Simon's hit "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover".  Everybody sing along  .  .  .

             Fifty Ways to Be an Asshole

I told my lover these elections got me down
Want to throw myself off the 9th Street Bridge and drown.
She said your only problem is the rumbling of your soul.
There must be fifty ways to be an asshole.
There must be fifty ways to be an asshole.

She said its possible if you'll just pay the price,
Man up and grow a pair.  Stop trying to be so nice.
If you really want to win the highest office in the land
you'll have to rearrange your ideas of how to be a man.
There must be fifty ways to be an asshole.

Just jump on the stump, Trump.
Just wave a big wand, Don.
Just serve it up crude, dude.
Ain't nuthin' but true.

Just pull a big flip, Mitt
Don't need to explain shit -
Just pass on the blame, James.
But tell 'em, they're free.

I told my lover I may not be the guy to do that job
Call women pigs, wear my hair red, and act up like a slob.
But it'd sure be nice to if Air Force One was my private plane.
Oh, but can you please explain
about the fifty ways to be an asshole.

She said, why don't you let me write you out a check
Say, a hundred million dollars, just take it and I'll bet
You'll surely find your troubled conscience is all set. 
               There must be -
Fifty ways to be an asshole.
Fifty ways to be an asshole.

Just get off the pot, Scott.
Just jack up the facts, Mack.
kick up a big fuss, Gus -
Just strike a low blow, Joe.
This chicken ain't free.

Just keep up the scare, Jer.
Just wind 'em up tight, Mike
Here comes the Sharknado!
Just build a big wall, Paul.
We're gonna screw 'em all.


  1. My sides are aching, Garce. I'm still trying to work out whether the guy is a congenital asshole, in which case you'd have to give him a smidgen of slack on account of he can't help himself, or if he actually works hard at it. In either case, there's less there than meets the eye.

    1. Hi Bob!

      If you're speaking of the Donald, I think its probably both at the same time. A man using his nature to campaign for something he really shouldn't be. If that's not a sense of entitlement I don't know what is. On the other hand, he knows how to work a crowd.


  2. Hilarious and totally accurate, Garce.

    1. Hi Jean!

      It was fun to write. Thanks for reading my stuff!


  3. Way cool! This reminds me of the stuff I still have a Mad Magazine subscription for. I love this kind of sarcastic humor that views our current milieu with a jaundiced eye. My dad taught me to always question the other guy's motives...he'll almost never care about you. He's just concerned with lying to get you to act the way he wants you to. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Fiona;

      Definitely good advice from a father to a daughter as she steps out into the dating world. I haven't read Mad for a long time, but I used to read every issue a few years ago. My favorite was Don Martin's cartoons. A lot of those guys are dead now. They had a hard time earning a living with their craft too. The pay didn't match the glamor.

      This was actually a last minute thing I tossed off in an afternoon. I was really lost about what to write about on this topic. I was listening to an old Paul Simon CD in my car and the infectious old word-game street hip beat of that song ("get on the bus, gus") stuck in my head and I started playing with it. Once you get that sound, its really a lot of fun to mess with, and my big problem became not what to put in but what to chop out. You should have seen the pile of name rhymes that I had to leave behind.


  4. Absolutely tremendous, Garce! And done so quickly! You got the chops, man.

  5. Hi Daddy X!

    You too man! Thanks for reading my stuff.


  6. Maybe you should send it to the Donald. He might appreciate it.

    A flash of brilliance, Garce!

  7. I hope the name rhymes you didn't use don't go to waste! I'll bet we'll have other topics coming along that could use your Muse this way.

  8. Wow! That was genius.

    Also, I love that sort of academic writing about pop concepts, like a philosophical treatise into the idea of asshole.


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