Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Pissing off Kelly

Cell phones in bathrooms—Cell phones have been addressed in a previous gripe. I have a particular gripe about the uses of these cell phones. NO ONE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU WHILE YOU PEE. Yes, I said it. You’re in the public toilet, turn off the damn phone. And even if YOU don’t care whether you’re peeing is being picked up and broadcast out on sound waves, I care if mine is. And while smello-phone isn’t invented yet, the grunting and groaning of the poor sod next to you doesn’t need to be heard either.

I have been unfortunate enough to have taken a call as the agent on the phone took his pee. And flushed. Then laughed and said, “Oh, you caught me.” Yes. I did catch you, yay for me. What the hell are you thinking, calling me at my job so I could hear you pee as though it’s an elevator symphony? Are you mad? Keep your private activities private, man!

Fat suits—There is a recent trend among talk shows. The idea is to dress the host or some production manager in a fat suit, apply appropriate fat makeup (cause all fatties apparently apply makeup the same) and slip their plus sized bodies into sweats (cause again, all fatties only ever wear sweats as we care not for what people see—low self esteem does this to all and sundry. Do not argue I’m getting started). Then they traipse around town for a few hours, riding buses, trains, trying to get into clubs or go shopping. Sometimes they employ a whine to their voices (because yes, we all whine too) while they ask for directions, the time, a date, or pocket lint.

Then on camera they cry at the unfairness of it all. “Oh I used to be so beautiful and men bought me (insert diamonds, cars, trips to Maui, silk umbrellas here) and now they won’t *sniff* even *sniff, sniff* look at me.” I hate this posing simian. Later on, the talk show host laments over the last acceptable bias in our culture. How the media portrays the sad percentage of large individuals while the radio makes fun.

We all know it’s a bias. Those of us who don’t spend mere hours in a fat suit but entire lives in one, have lived it and usually don’t spend hours bawling our eyes out every day. We are heavy but we aren’t pathetic. We have trouble finding stylish clothes but if we wanted to wear sweats that would be okay. Make up is personal and whining optional. But don’t freakin’ portray all fat Americans as pathetic. We aren’t.

We hold jobs. We have families and friends who love us. We roll our eyes at your stereo-types. And yes, we have ears too. WE HEAR YOU! We aren’t desperate and while we don’t appreciate being made fun of we know you’re doing it. So don’t pander down, or act surprised when you're caught. Don’t pretend you understand my life after a few hours in makeup and video technology. You’ll never know until you’re actually there. Asshats.

Chewing with mouth open—If we chance to be out together enjoying a meal kindly keep your food in your mouth and away from the viewing public. Don’t want to see it. Your luscious smacking and spittle reducing your food into masticated mush is of no interest to me. I don’t want to see it, I certainly don’t want to hear it. Were you raised in a barn?

And on this note, if you are chewing gum or sucking a cough drop DO NOT make sucking noises, PLEASE? I understand you are enjoying your strepsels but kindly keep it to yourself.

Which brings me to nose blowing. We all have occasion to fight the hassles of a runny nose. Some have to do so with more regularity than others due to allergies. I sympathize and completely understand your nose blowing necessities. But after you have blown your brains into your tissue, do you have to look at it? Do you? Did you produce crown jewels that you must inspect? “Hey here’s a pearl and a giant ruby. I’m rich.”

I have seen the nose blowing maneuver regularly. Take a look next time someone blows. Did they peek? Are they proud of what has come out? A smug grin of pleasure? Ew. Just, EW.

Mothering is another one for me. I’m an adult. I do not require mothering so don’t. I know I look young and naïve and perhaps I am, but you lived your freaking life so don’t tell me how to live mine. Do not offer me advice on raising children, on keeping my husband happy, on how to lose weight when you only ever lost five pounds at most. Do NOT mistake the doe eyed look I shoot your way as blissful ignorance. Yes, I do this look very well because it shuts you up unless you are the mothering sort, then I’m screwed.

Don’t pat me on the hand or scold me for not thinking the way you do, I don’t want to hear it. Just piss off and leave me alone. I have a mother and even she’s gotten the message.

~Kelly~

17 comments:

  1. Okay, I concede. You do gripping much better than I do. You have me convinced.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL Anny. I was just getting started. Once I began venting it escalated.

    ReplyDelete
  3. See? I told you you could find things to be pissed off about if you channelled the pissed-off-ed-ness inside you...hmmm...what will my next challenge be for the grippers?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Excellent rant, Kelly. I knew you had it in you!

    Perhaps we could send the names of all tv hosts who don fat suits to Amarinda for her Irish curse so they can mushroom up and see what it's really like to live that way. A few hours when deliberately attempting to draw negative attention does not provide one iota of understanding.

    ReplyDelete
  5. As a chronic nose-blower, I have to speak up in defense. Sometimes I look to see if there's any COLOR to it, to indicate whether or not my sinuses are getting infected. I do not look every time; just when the need to blow or the sneezing is getting excessive.

    I've had sinus issues since age 9 and certain times of the year I'm not pleasant to be around if this if a pet peeve:) I'm not contagious; the environment has simply declared war on my respitory system.

    My son, who inherited the family allergies, has an annoying habit of clearing his throat several times a day. I try to keep mine to a minimum.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You can gripe and bitch with the BEST of them, darling. YAY for you! I soooo get the table manners thing because it's one of mine which I will further address tomorrow. Great rant! Love it and agree with each one.

    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sorry Moll, ew. Check in the bathroom. I'm extremely visual and seeing someone check their kleenex is providing me a mental image I don't want.

    So you are a jeweler eh? Ack!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I promise not to do it in May:) Can't promise not to sneeze, though...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Just give me a heads up so I can look the other way, k'? LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  10. lol, no sucking noises while enjoy a piece of ice from a mixed drink. Got it! :D

    ReplyDelete
  11. The cellphones in the bathroom thing is very nasty...and unfortunately, very common. Ick!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Fantastic gripes! Unlike Anny's yesterday I do not commit any of your sins. Hooray!

    I too think that talking on the phone in the bathroom is gross and completely unnecessary. Unless you are on the phone with your doctor, in which case you should be doing it from your own bathroom, not the stall at Target.

    Hugs!
    Dakota

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dakota-

    "Yeah doc, it's a greenish tint and it has five hairs sprouting out of the top pustulous thing... no, no teeth but it's growling and thrashing in the potty water... a sample? Well, geeze, doc I think it's got a tenticle...."

    LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  14. OH, man--the fat suit thing--I could go off on that one for hours. And the mothering. When you're short AND doe eyed, people actually think it's acceptable to--PAT YOU ON THE HEAD. Trust me. If you value your digits, never, ever do this!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh yea, and I almost forgot. We also...HAVE SEX. Our spouses actually find us attractive despite what society views as a deformity. SO there!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Just for the record, I usually 'inspect' when in private...I don't think I've ever done it in public! So you're safe, Kell...

    ReplyDelete