As with Lisabet, I had a hard time with this topic. Go figure. I've written characters who were obsessed with spanking, rope bondage, rubber, punishment enemas, etc. but that's them, not me. None of those are go-to scenarios.
I guess my deep, dark secret is that the topic I return to is connection. Gay, straight, ménage, whatever, what turns me on like nothing else is that moment of understanding between characters that seems boundless and complete. Bared souls mean so much more than flesh. It's as naked and vulnerable as a person can get.
You can sit next to a stranger on a train and pour out the truth on them like you'd never dare share with someone you knew because of the illusion of safety. (You'd do this for family problems, but if you started talking sex, they'd probably call the police.) No matter what judgment that person forms of you, it's not as if you have to face him/her again. The stranger has no emotional investment in anyone you talk about, so they can be completely impartial. And the best part is that when you reach your stop, you can waltz away unburdened.
It's a weird situation when strangers are safer emotional witnesses than lovers, but complete honesty with someone you know is risky as hell. What if they are so disgusted that they walk out of your life? Or worse, stick around and make your life miserable? That fear keeps us silent. In a perfect world, the person you love has your back. They want you to be happy. They want to be allowed inside your heart. Many people needlessly fear an honest sexual conversation with their lover. That makes me so sad. I'd love to dare everyone to make a sexual confession to their lover, but I know that isn't practical. Sometimes, the fear of rejection is spot on. That makes me even sadder.
In my stories, sexual honesty always turns out well. That's my obsession. Maybe it's not kinky, but in real life, opening up like that is the most dangerous and edgy thing anyone can do.
Excellent post, Kathleen. So very, very true.
ReplyDeleteOur society instills such hang ups in us about our sexuality from early on, that it can be really tough to get past them, and let our lovers know what is in our kinky hearts. So much can be put at risk.
And it is getting through that barrier that makes all other kinky joys possible.
So one might call your obsession "the mother of all kink."
Kathleen,
ReplyDeleteI love the idea that honesty can be construed as kinky. Some might say that's a cynical perspective (what with 'kinky' deviating from the norm) but your argument makes perfect sense to me.
Ash
Craig - I was aiming for the MILF of Kink ;)
ReplyDeleteAsh - I'm full of weird ideas, and not all of them involve leather.
ReplyDeleteI just finished reading and marveling at Lisabet's post and I was thinking of it while you discussed, what is quite true, which is that its easier to bear our sexual secrets to a stranger than our lover. People do that at ERWA parlor all the time. Me too. I was imagining you sitting on a bus next to a stranger, reaching into a florescent pink paper bag and taking out a butt plug and showing it to him. "I bought this for my husband. Its a butt plug. What do you think of them? I figure if he doesn't like it after the first time, I can always use it to stopper a wine bottle."
ReplyDeleteGarce
Garce - I always get the people with the convoluted low-budget Hamlet lives, not the entertaining "do you think this will fit in my husband's butt" ladies.
ReplyDeleteHey, Kathleen,
ReplyDeleteI can see this obsession in your stories. Some of them are about the freedom that comes with honesty - some focus on the barriers standing in the way.
Great post!
Warmly,
Lisabet