Friday, February 11, 2011

Shhhhh! It's a secret!

This topic was really hard for me - not because I didn't have forbidden knowledge at a young age, but because I can't remember a time when I didn't.

It really sucked having to do the whole "Great, Santa is coming" line of crap on Christmas morning at 7, 8, 9, 10, and a few years thereafter, when I knew my folks were lying to me. How? Um, because I was a KID. I had to get something out of my parents bedroom, even though I knew I wasn't supposed to go in there, and I should wait until they got home to get it for me, a few daysbefore Christmas and stumbled upon the stash of Christmas presents sitting under blankets, etc in their bedroom.

Fast forward a few years, and we see me at 11, knowing my parents are freaks! Why? Because they - gasp - have sex! How did I know this? Did I walk in on them? Um, sad to say that wasn't what damaged my fragile psyche. Nope, it was worse, I was in my parents room getting something (again - I was a KID!) and it couldn't wait until they got home to get it for me. I found a dog-eared (the horror of that alone - WTF dog-ears a book?) copy of the Kama Sutra, and some really interesting novelty rings with couples having weird sex on them. Yea know what I am talking about - 69 and woman on top stuff. LOL

The best memory for me though, is at 13 we were visiting my grandparents. And I had started reading romances. And my grandmother would go to the used bookstore and load up on them - the old Harlequin Presents ones and some Silhouette ones as well. She'd get the value boxes, where the store owner just tossed in 10-12 dozens of books and sold them for $2-5.00 or so. And often times, she wouldn't even check them out, just bring the box home and sort through them later.

So we went visiting, and I got to go through her newest 2 boxes. And I read those things like they were candy. The best one though was a secret - no one could know about it. Because somewhere, a goof had been made, and poor grandma wound up with a lesbian romance in her box. And oh what a romance it was. The characters got sexy-nasty with each other. The best scene involved a candle being used in place of a dildo - a term I didn't know at the time.

Keep in mind - at 13, I was naive. I had only kissed one person - a girl (because we were both curious). I only knew about sex from romance novels, and not always was it nice sex. So that book was an eye-opening experience. It also started the faint knowledge that something about the book was captivating to me. Something about two girls caused a curious melting inside of me. The same kind of curious sensation I got when I read about a man and a woman.

While reading this forbidden book of two girls, I had my eyes opened to a new world of possibilities. And got my ass grounded when my mom found the book days later when she was packing my suitcase to head home. Oh the shitstorm that created.

To this day, I have tried to find that book again. But without knowing the author or title, it is hard as hell. So if anyone reading this knows of an old lesbian romance which involves the characters using a candle to have sex, let me know.


  1. ...I was in my parents room getting something (again - I was a KID!)...

    Yep, I know of what you speak.

    (Spoken in a Rod Serling voice) Picture if you will, a ten year old finding a strip of foil with the word "Trojans" emblazoned upon it in his father's dresser.


    Craig had entered the too-much-reality twilight zone...

    Good luck finding the book, and if you do, I'd be curious how you feel about it now...

    Verification word: hedsome


  2. Just on your last point, there's a website that specializes in versions of old erotica/bdsm novels and puts them up for free -

    Technically I guess it's a pirate site since the books are from the 1950s/1960s and won't yet be out of copyright, but I doubt if any of them have been available in print or any other form for at least two or three decades and the publishers are largely defunct. They seem to have around 1700 novels there. You may find the one you're thinking of, especially if you can remember what the cover looked like (there are jpgs of the covers on the site).

    As a side issue, it's interesting to look back at some of those titles and see how things regarded as normal in erotica 50 years ago are very, very taboo for erotic publishers today. Times have changed. A lot. As Craig pointed out, if you find the book you may have very different feelings about it now.

  3. Hi, Michelle,

    I dunno, I think I've read that scene in a bunch of books...!

    But I had no idea that lesbian romance existed back - what, 20 years ago? More? And I'm so envious! I was attracted to women when I was a teenager, but I had literally no idea that this was moderately common, or even that it had a name!

    Great post!

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Hi Michelle,

    nice gentle post that captures that being a kid in an adult world thing very well

  6. Craig -- LOL It's isn't 'ol Rod I have singing to me now, but Prince. LOL Dig if you will the picture ... LOL The weird associations our minds make.

    I have such stark memories about it, given the confusion it made me feel, that I almost hope I never find it, because then if it isn't every thing that I remember ... ya know?


    Fulani - I wish I remembered more about the book. It's just one of those things, I can remember how it made me feel, but not the author, cover, or title.


    Lisabet - *cough* Um, 18-19 years ago. I didn't really understand much myself 'til I was 15. The horror my mom expressed, it made me unable to really allow myself to be curious about it. I knew it was something bad ... thankfully at 15 I wound up with a neighbor with a gay son.


    Mike -- Thanks. : ) I miss it sometimes, being a kid. Hubby tells me that part of what I miss is not really being allowed to truly be a kid.

  7. Good post. Sometimes I think it's better not knowing what the parents are up to at any age. Kind of a EEEEWWWWW!!! factor involved. After all we know my parents only had sex to create their childen (6 times only.) I can't remember where I learned about sex but I know it wasn't at home. Fortunately I read a lot and learned a lot. Thank God for Harlequin.

  8. This was great, I can relate to it. When i was a little kid I discovered a little cartoon book in the glove compartment called "Ass-Trology" which was some kind of Tiajuana bible. My dad was embarassed. Later when Dad moved out I started going through the books in what we called "the bachelor pad" and strangely he didn't try to hide any of the adult stuff from me. That was the first time I read Lenny Bruce. These days I have most of my books in plain sight in the library room upstairs. I don;t hide them from my kid, but near as I can tell he never tries to read any thing.

    Still I can only imagine the freak out it would have caused when your mom found a lesbian romance in your suitcase. She was probably thinking she wouldn;t get to have grand kids.



Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.